Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: “Slim, I”m 83 years old now and I’m just full of aches and pains. I know you’re about my age. How do you feel?” Slim says, “I feel just like a newborn …
July 2006 archive
Elderly Marriage
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:“So I hear you”re getting married?”“Yep!”“Do I know her?”“Nope!”“This woman, is she good looking?”“Not really.”“Is she a good cook?”“Naw, she can’t cook too well.”“Does she have lots of money?”“Nope! Poor as a church mouse.”“Well, then, is she good in bed?”“I don’t know.”“Why in the world do you …
Elderly Drinker
A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked-after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady, (mid eighties). The gentleman walks over, sits alongside of …
Two New Dogs
A girl was visiting her friend who had acquired two new dogs. She asked her what their names were. The friend responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, “Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that”? “Hellooooo,” she answered. “They’re watch dogs!”
She Ain’t Easy… But…
She’s been on her knees more times than Billy Graham. She’s been laid on more kitchen floors than linoleum. She’s done more screwing than Black and Decker. She’s responsible for more merry men than Robin Hood. She’s turned more tricks than Houdini has. She’s been in more motel rooms than the Bible. She’s been boarded …
How to Shower
How to shower like a woman: Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mi rror — make mental note to do …
Chicken and the Harley
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the Farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back …
Elk Hunters
Two hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting. They were quite successful in their venture, and bagged six big bucks. The pilot came back as arranged to pick them up. They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk. But the pilot objected. “The plane …
Two Guys
These two guys meet after not having seen each other for many many years. First guy asks the second guy, “How have things been going?” The second guy speaking very slowly tells the first guy, “I w..a..s a..l..m..o..s..t m..a..r..r..i..e..d.” The first guy says in amazement, “Hey; you don’t stutter any more.” The answer comes, ” …
Big Island Hawaii – Creepy Photo
Normally I wouldn’t think very much of photos like these, however in this instance I actually know the person who took the photo. He said he was on the Big Island of Hawaii and went to visit relative’s grave site. While he was there he took this photo of an unknown person’s grave. When you …
The Pasta Diet
The Pasta Diet1) You walka pasta da bakery.2) You walka pasta da candy store.3) You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.4) You walka pasta da table and fridge. And for those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on nutrition and health. It”s a relief to know the truth after all …
Hillbilly Medical Terms
Benign………………….What you be after you be eight. Bacteria………………..Back door to cafeteria. Barium…………………What you do with dead folks. Cesarean Section……A neighborhood in Rome. Catscan……………….Searching for the cat.Cauterize……………..Made eye contact with her. Colic……………………A sheep dog. Coma………………….A punctuation mark. D&C……………………Where Washington is. Dilate………………….To live longer than your kids do.’, ‘Enema………………Not a friend. Fester……………….Quicker than someone else. Fibula………………..A small …
Tickle Me Elmo
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock …