January 2008 archive
What is a 710?
A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. We all looked at each other and another customer asked, “What is a seven-hundred-ten?” She replied, “You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and …
Investment Tips for 2008
For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations in 2008. 1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. Will merge and become: Hale, …
A Rotten Old Thing
It seems that there were twin brothers by the name of Jones, John and Joe. John was married and Joe was single. Joe was the proud owner of a dilapidated boat. It so happened that Joe’s boat sank on the same day that John’s wife died. A few days later a kindly old lady met …
And so the Story Goes!
The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, “Since you’ve been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is that you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.” Arthur thought about it for a …
Turkey
A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a young boy carrying a wild turkey under his arm. He stopped and asked the boy, “Where did you get that turkey?” The boy replied, “What turkey?” The game warden said, “That turkey you’re carrying under your arm.” The boy look down and …
Hot Date in Tennessee
A young Tennessee man goes to a drug store and says to the pharmacist: ‘I got a hot date tonight, an’ I need me some pertection. How much is a pack a’ them rubbers gonna cost me?’ The pharmacist responds: ‘A three-pack of condoms is $4.99 with tax.’ ‘TACKS!’ the shocked redneck says. ‘Gawd a’mighty, …
iPod Touch
Today I received my brand new iPod touch. This is the 1st Apple iPod I actually bought. This version of the iPod touch is the 16GB model. It is pretty cool. I’m still learning and playing with the settings and syncing, but it definitely won’t take me long to figure everything out. The strange thing …
Bumper Bowling
Today I played bumper bowling against a 4 year old kid. The 1st game I got lucky by getting a strike and I ended up beating him 100 to 86. The second game was more close of 99 to 87. The 3rd game however, I was behind the whole game. I could not hit that …
Things You’ve Always Wanted to Know…
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.) If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that’s more like it!) …
Blonde Logic
Blonde Logic Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, “Which do you think is farther away… Florida or the moon?” The other blonde turns and says “Helloooooo oooo, can you see Florida?” Car Trouble A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She …
Cannibal Restaurant
A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu… + Tourist: $5 + Broiled Missionary: $10.00 + Fried Explorer: $15.00 + Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00 The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, ‘Why …
My Private Part Died Today
An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living the last of his life in a nursing Home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong. “Yes, Nurse Tracy,” said Mr. Wallace, “My Private Part died today and I am very sad.” Knowing her patients were forgetful …
First Kiss
It’s your First Kiss and several questions might come to mind: Is it the right time? Is anyone watching? Does your partner even want to? Is your breath fresh? AND,—Should you use some tongue? Then you say…’What the heck!’ and Just Go for it!!!
Three Men
Three men – a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a Texan are all working together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. “I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total”, says the Genie. The Canadian says, “I am a farmer and …
Great Elephant Story
In 1986, Mike Membre was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Membre approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant’s …
Bubba
Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked, “Is it true theys suin them cigarette companies fer causin People to git cancer?” “Yes, Bubba, sure is true,” responded the lawyer. “And now someone is suin them fast food restaurants Fer makin them fat an cloggin their arteries with all Them burgers an fries, is that …
Fishing at Pearl Harbor
Today my boy and I went fishing over by Pearl Harbor. We were there for 5 hours and didn‚Äö√Ñ√¥t officially catch anything. My boy had a fish on the line, but it was his 1st time reeling in a fish and he was reeling too slowly, so the fish got off. I had a bite …
College Graduation
I finally graduated college with a Bachelor’s Degree of Science in Software Engineering. It seems as though I was on the 10-year plan to obtain a 4-year degree. I swear the only people who go to school longer than me are doctors. Regardless, I switched between 4 different schools and changed degrees just as many …
Job Question
The boss was looking to hire a new manager, so he interviewed dozens and narrowed their search down to three people. In an attempt to pick one of them, he decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours and the one with the best answer would get the job. The …
Ralph the Chicken
Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said,‚Äö√Ñ√¥ you died in your sleep, Ralph. ‚Äö√ѬÆRalph was stunned. I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for send me back! St. …
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