December 2011 archive
Big People Words
A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk! You need to use ‘Big People words,’ she was always reminding them. She asked John what he had done over the weekend? ‘I went to visit …
Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scotland UK:
1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART. 2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP. 3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN! 4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING. 5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER. 6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE. 7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU. 8. DON’T STAND DIRECTLY IN …
Thirsty Taliban
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties. The Taliban asked, “Do you have water?” The Jewish man replied, …
Proof That The World Is Nuts
In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense!) In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman’s genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He …
Photo of a Wife
The old man goes to answer a knock at the door one evening only to find two sherrif deputy’s standing there. “Sir, are you married?” One deputy asked. “Why yes,” the old man replied “for 48 years.” “Do you have a photograph of your wife sir?” the second deputy questioned. The old man pulled a …
Bar Scene
I was standing at the bar and this Chinese guy comes in and stands next to me….I said to him, “Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu?” He says “No, why the fluck you ask me dat, is it coz I Chinee”? “No”, I said…. “It’s because you’re …
Red Cross
The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we’d love to, but our garden hose only reaches to the driveway.
New Clothing Shop
There’s a new Muslim clothing shop that opened in our shopping center, but they threw me out after I asked if I could look at some of the bomber jackets.
Apple Scrapped Their Plans for a New Product
I’ve heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children’s-oriented iPod after realizing that “iTouch Kids” is not a good product name.
Prepare for the Worst
My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I went down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.
Talking Behind My Back
A wife says to her husband “You’re always pushing me around and talking behind my back.” And he says “What do you expect? You’re in a wheelchair!”
Stalker
My girlfriend says she thinks that I might be a stalker. Well…she’s not exactly my girlfriend yet.
My Wife is Dead
A man calls 911 and says “I think my wife is dead”. The operator says, “How do you know?” He says “The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!”
Little Johnny Doesn’t Need Anything
A teacher goes around her class asking each of the kids what do they need at home. 1st kid says “A computer”. Teacher replies “That’d be very useful.” 2nd kid says “a new lawn mower” and gets a similar response. Little Johnny pops up and says ” At my house we don’t need nothin.” The …
Cost of Living
The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can’t afford batteries!
Too Many Immigrants in Britain?
Question – Are there too many immigrants in Britain? 17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said “I am not understanding the question please.”
Japan Funny Erasers
Stopped by a dollar store (100Yen) store and I found these funny erasers. I thought they were neat enough to snap some photos. Some of these are actually pretty neat. Here are the photos. 7
Thrown Out of School
My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said “Son, that’s 3 schools this year! You’d better stop before you’re banned from teaching altogether.”
Love the Hot Weather
The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and low cut tops….although, they do make me look a bit gay.
Pedophile
Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting “pedophile!”and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I’m 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
Penis Enlarger
The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did….she’s 21 and her name’s Lucy.
Turned to Religion
I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we’re stoning her in the morning!
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