September 2013 archive
Old Man Scam **Beware**
Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This one caught me totally by surprise. This is a warning for all men and I wanted to pass it on in case you haven’t heard about it. It’s a ‘heads up’ for those older men who may be …
Idiot Sightings
I handed the teller at my bank a withdrawal slip for $400.00 . I said “May I have large bills, please”? She looked at me and said “I’m sorry sir; all the bills are the same size.” When I got up off the floor I explained it to her. Columbus, OH. When my husband and …
Chinese Restaurant
A couple goes for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and orders the “Chicken Surprise.” The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the …
Fifty Shades of Grey
He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forwards, then backwards, forward, then backwards again …….. back and forth …. back and forth ….. in and out ….. in and out. She could feel the sweat on her forehead and between her breasts, and trickling down the small …
The Dreaded Phone Call From the Boss
My boss phoned me today. He said, “Is everything OK at the office?” I said, “It’s all under control. It’s been a very busy day. I haven’t stopped to take a break all day.” “Can you do me a favour?” he asked. I said “Of course, What is it?” “Pick up the pace a little. …
Dear Mum Letter
A mother passing by her son’s bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, ‘Mum’. With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands. ‘Dear, Mum. It is …
Amazing Discovery
Scientists at CERN in Geneva have announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science.. The new element is Governmentium (Gv). It has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, …
A Message from John Cleese
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea …
Dogs
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, ‘Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?’ ‘HELLLOOOOOOO……,’ answered the blonde. ‘They’re watch dogs’
In a Vacuum
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night… It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, ‘If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?’ She thought for a time and then asked, ‘Is it on or off?’
Blonde on the Sun
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, ‘We were the first in space!’ The American said, ‘We were the first on the moon!’ The Blonde said, ‘So what? We’re going to be the first on the sun!’ The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook …
Knitting
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, ‘PULL OVER!’ ‘NO!’ the …
River Walk
There’s this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank ‘Yoo-hoo!’ she shouts, ‘How can I get to the other side?’ The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, ‘You ARE on the other side.’
At the Doctor’s Office
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor’s office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. ‘Impossible!’ says the doctor.. ‘Show me.’ The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed …
Speeding Ticket
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, ‘I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!’