Dear Santa,
How are you ?…How is Mrs. Claus ? I hope the reindeer and the elves are all doing fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year,
Timmy Jones
Dear Timmy,
Thank you for your letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all
fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried about all the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn’t want you to get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think, instead of video things, I’ll bring you something you can go outside and play with.
Merry Christmas,
Santa Claus
Mr. Claus,
Seeing that I have fulfilled the “Naughty vs. Nice” contract, set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn’t want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don’t you think that a jibe at my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit trite?
Respectfully,
Tim Jones
Mr. Jones,
While I have acknowledged you have met the “nice” criteria, need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorneys have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks more like the bottom of the Burger King fry bin.
Very Truly Yours,
S Claus
Now look here Fat Man, I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting to be polite about this, but you brought my looks and my friends into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I’m about to tweet my boys and we’re gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I’m taking my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I want…You got that, chubby ?
T-Bone
Listen to me Pizza Face,
Seriously ?…You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on one night and never gets caught sweats a hot shot G-banger wannabe? “He sees you when you’re sleeping; He knows when you’re awake”. Sound familiar, genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your shit wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people. Things so bad that if I described them right now, you’d throw up your Totino’s pizza roll all over the carpet of your mom’s crib. You’re not getting what you asked for, but I’m still stopping by where you stays to stomp a mud hole in yo ass and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia.
Claws
Dear Santa,
Bring me whatever you see fit. I’ll appreciate anything.
Timmy
Timmy,
That’s what I thought you said…you little bastard.
Santa