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West Virginia Mountain Woman
A West Virginia mountain woman went to the doctor and was told to go home and come back in a couple of days with a specimen. When she got home, she asked her husband, “What is a specimen?” He replied, “Danged if I know. Go next door and ask Edith. She’s a nurse.” The woman …
Laundry
A woman was unhappy with the way her laundry was done at the local Chinese Laundry, so she wrote a note and put it in the bag with the next collection of soiled clothes : “USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!” She got the clean laundry back, and was still dissatisfied with the results, so the …
10 New Work Rules
It has been brought to management’s attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do, however, realize the critical importance …
Wyoming Cowboy
A WYOMING cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban Sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, “If I tell you exactly …
Three Quaterbacks
God asks Peyton Manning first: “What do u believe?” Peyton thinks long and hard, looks God in the eye, and says, “I believe in hard work and staying true to family and friends. I believe in giving. I was lucky, but I always tried to do the right by my fans.” God can’t help but …
Moved To Alaska
Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it’s total peace and quiet. After six months …
We Do Not Spank
Most of America’s populace think it improper to spank children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have one of “those moments.” One that I found effective is for me to just take the child for a car ride and talk. They usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our …
Minorities – Show Some Compassion
They travel miles in the heat. They risk their lives crossing a border. They don’t get paid enough wages. They do jobs that others won’t do or are afraid to do. They live in crowded conditions among a people who speak a different language. They rarely see their families, and they face adversity all day …
The Flasher
Three older ladies named Rose, Pam and Martha were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park.¬¨‚Ć The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.¬¨‚Ć Rose immediately had a stroke.¬¨‚Ć Then Pam also had a stroke.¬¨‚Ć …
Picture Proof of a Bad Day
Even when you are having a really bad day, someone will still screw you.
Man Test
1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you are gay. It means you haven’t sucked back enough beer with the boys and have ‚spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the ‚Oprah diet…Nancy-pants. 2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaming homo. A …
Fireman Sex
A fireman came home from work one day and told his wife, ‘You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: Bell 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, Bell 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, Bell 3 rings and we’re on the fire truck ready to go.’From …
Happy Thanksgiving
Wishing everybody a Happy Thanksgiving. We hope your day is filled with many thanks, spending time with family or friends, and doing something you enjoy. If you would like to take this opportunity to send a text message to say thank you to a soldier, airman, sailor, or marine, you can do so by going …
Howzit Brahdah
Brahdah‚ came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, ‘You died in your sleep, Brahdah.’ Brahdah was stunned. ‘I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!’ St. …
Divorce vs. Murder
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist,¬¨‚Ćlooked straight into his eyes,and said, ‘I would like to buy some cyanide.’ ¬¨‚ĆThe pharmacist asked, ‘Why in the world do you need cyanide?’ ¬¨‚ĆThe lady replied, ‘I need it to poison my husband.’ ¬¨‚ĆThe pharmacist’s eyes got big and he …
Hi-Tech
Three Women, two younger and one senior citizen, were sitting naked in a sauna. ¬¨‚ĆSuddenly there was a beeping sound. ¬¨‚ĆThe young woman pressed her forearm and the beep stopped. ¬¨‚Ć The others looked at her questioningly. ¬¨‚Ć”That was my pager, ” she said. ¬¨‚ĆI have a microchip under the skin of my arm. ¬¨‚Ć …
Left Brain vs Right Brain
¬¨‚Ć Most of us would see the dancer turning counter-clockwise though you can try to focus and change the direction; see if you can do it. LEFT BRAIN FUNCTIONS¬¨‚Ƭ¨‚Ƭ¨‚Ć uses logic¬¨‚Ƭ¨‚Ƭ¨‚Ć detail oriented¬¨‚Ƭ¨‚Ƭ¨‚Ć facts rule¬¨‚Ƭ¨‚Ƭ¨‚Ć words and language¬¨‚Ƭ¨‚Ƭ¨‚Ć present and past¬¨‚Ƭ¨‚Ƭ¨‚Ć math and science¬¨‚Ƭ¨‚Ƭ¨‚Ć can comprehend¬¨‚Ƭ¨‚Ƭ¨‚Ć knowing¬¨‚Ƭ¨‚Ƭ¨‚Ć acknowledges¬¨‚Ƭ¨‚Ƭ¨‚Ć order/pattern perception¬¨‚Ƭ¨‚Ƭ¨‚Ć knows object name¬¨‚Ƭ¨‚Ƭ¨‚Ć reality based¬¨‚Ƭ¨‚Ƭ¨‚Ć …
Married Couple
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man’s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor …
How to Make a Cross-over Cable
Here is a diagram which shows the standard color code to make a cross-over CAT-5 cable.
Safe Sex Dress
Dad makes prom dress.
Top Secret
TOP SECRET This was sent to me by an associate in the surveillance field. I am sharing it with friends and family on a need to know basis. I can not vouch for its validity. SECURITY PHOTO: CONFIDENTIAL The photo is a video capture from a security camera located in the North Corridor that leads …
Family Vacation
Family on holiday in Australia for a week and a half when husband, wife and their 15 year old son decided to go scuba diving. The husband is in the navy and has had some scuba experience. His son wanted a pic of his mum and dad in all their gear so got the underwater …