Author's posts
New Diet
I have a Golden retriever & I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn”t because I”d ended up …
Mexican Boarder Wall Problem Solved
Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border, take the dirt and raise the levies in New Orleans, and then put the Florida alligators into the border moat! Any other problems you would like for me to solve?
How Do You Feel?
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: “Slim, I”m 83 years old now and I’m just full of aches and pains. I know you’re about my age. How do you feel?” Slim says, “I feel just like a newborn …
Elderly Marriage
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:“So I hear you”re getting married?”“Yep!”“Do I know her?”“Nope!”“This woman, is she good looking?”“Not really.”“Is she a good cook?”“Naw, she can’t cook too well.”“Does she have lots of money?”“Nope! Poor as a church mouse.”“Well, then, is she good in bed?”“I don’t know.”“Why in the world do you …
Elderly Drinker
A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked-after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady, (mid eighties). The gentleman walks over, sits alongside of …
Two New Dogs
A girl was visiting her friend who had acquired two new dogs. She asked her what their names were. The friend responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, “Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that”? “Hellooooo,” she answered. “They’re watch dogs!”
She Ain’t Easy… But…
She’s been on her knees more times than Billy Graham. She’s been laid on more kitchen floors than linoleum. She’s done more screwing than Black and Decker. She’s responsible for more merry men than Robin Hood. She’s turned more tricks than Houdini has. She’s been in more motel rooms than the Bible. She’s been boarded …
How to Shower
How to shower like a woman: Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mi rror — make mental note to do …
Chicken and the Harley
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the Farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back …
Elk Hunters
Two hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting. They were quite successful in their venture, and bagged six big bucks. The pilot came back as arranged to pick them up. They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk. But the pilot objected. “The plane …
Two Guys
These two guys meet after not having seen each other for many many years. First guy asks the second guy, “How have things been going?” The second guy speaking very slowly tells the first guy, “I w..a..s a..l..m..o..s..t m..a..r..r..i..e..d.” The first guy says in amazement, “Hey; you don’t stutter any more.” The answer comes, ” …
Big Island Hawaii – Creepy Photo
Normally I wouldn’t think very much of photos like these, however in this instance I actually know the person who took the photo. He said he was on the Big Island of Hawaii and went to visit relative’s grave site. While he was there he took this photo of an unknown person’s grave. When you …
The Pasta Diet
The Pasta Diet1) You walka pasta da bakery.2) You walka pasta da candy store.3) You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.4) You walka pasta da table and fridge. And for those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on nutrition and health. It”s a relief to know the truth after all …
Hillbilly Medical Terms
Benign………………….What you be after you be eight. Bacteria………………..Back door to cafeteria. Barium…………………What you do with dead folks. Cesarean Section……A neighborhood in Rome. Catscan……………….Searching for the cat.Cauterize……………..Made eye contact with her. Colic……………………A sheep dog. Coma………………….A punctuation mark. D&C……………………Where Washington is. Dilate………………….To live longer than your kids do.’, ‘Enema………………Not a friend. Fester……………….Quicker than someone else. Fibula………………..A small …
Tickle Me Elmo
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock …
The Cork…oops!
Two Arab terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower after their bomb making class, when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his butt. If you do not mind me saying,” said the second, “that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why do you not take it out?” I regret I cannot”, …
New Pharmacology
In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After …
Great One-Liners
1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he wasGod and I didn’t! 2. I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.3. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!4. Some people are alive only because it”s illegal to kill them.5. I used to have a handle …
Why We Broke Up
She told me we couldn’t afford beer anymore and I’d have to quit. Then I caught her spending $65.00 on make-up. I asked how come I had to give up stuff and she didn’t. She said she needed the make-up to look pretty for me. I told her that was what the beer was for. …
Be Careful When You Have a Fast Car, it Could Hurt
A man goes out and buys a new Vette convertible. One night he takes it out for a spin, and stops at a red light. An old man pulls up next to him riding a mo-ped. The old man looks over the Vette and says, “What kind of car ya got there sonny?” The man …
Anal Glaucoma
A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well. “What’s the matter?” he asks “I have a case of anal glaucoma,” she says in a weak voice. “What the hell is anal glaucoma?” “I can’t see my ass coming into work today.”
Why Condoms Come in Boxes of 3, 6, and 12
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, “What are these, Dad? To which the man matter-of-factly replies, “Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.” “Oh I see,” replied the boy pensively. Yes, I”ve …
In The Closet
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman”s husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.’, …
A Boy, A Man & A Donkey
An old man, a boy & a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey & the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking & the boy was riding. The man & boy thought maybe the critics …
Daddy’s Gonna Eat Your Fingers
This one is for all of you who: a) have kids b) had kids c) was a kid d) know a kid!’, ‘As I was packing for my business trip, my 3-year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said…. “Daddy look at this,” and she stuck …
Strange Buzzing Noise
As a woman passes her daughter”s closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter giving herself a real workout with vibrator. Shocked, she asked, “What in the world are you doing?” The daughter replied, “Mom, I”m thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is …
The $1000 Bet
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1,000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the …
Advantages and Disadvantages of Network Topologies
Different network topologies have different advantages and disadvantages. A bus network topology is nice because it is simple and cheap, however it has its limitations. On a bus topology you are limited to the number of hosts you can place on a single bus. A ring topology can be beneficial because it provides redundancy, however …
Management 101
Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office…..but she belonged to someone else. One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said I’ll give you a 1000 dollars if you let me screw you….but the girl said no. Johnny said I’ll be fast, I’ll throw the money …
Texas Drinking Rules
A Mexican drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, “In Mexico our glass is so cheap we don’t need to drink from the same glass twice.” An Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into …
An Indian With One Testicle
There once was a Red Indian whose given name was “Onestone”. So named because he had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, “If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!” The word got …