Author's posts
Thailand Crocodile Show
Today I went over to the Pattaya crocodile farm and watched a crocodile show. The only thing I can say is, “Holy Crap!” This guy climbed into a pit with a bunch of crocodiles. He then began to do things like open their mouths and stick his hand in it. Then he tapped their teeth …
No sex since 1955
A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. “Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?” …
Making Thai Silk
Today I went and watched how Thai silk is made. Here are some photos of the process and the professionals at work.
The Gay Flight Attendant
My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he’ll be landing the …
Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity
1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down. 2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don’t disguise your voice. 3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that. 4. Put your garbage …
Precaution
A senior citizen visits his doctor for a routine check-up and everything seems fine. The doctor asks him about his sex life. “Well…” the man drawled, “not bad at all to be honest. The wife ain’t all that interested anymore, so I just cruise around. In the past week I was able to pick-up and …
Wedding Terms
On their wedding night, the young bride told her groom “Since we’re married now, we can arrange our sex life like this: In the evening if my hair is done, that means I don’t want sex at all. If my hair is somewhat undone, that means I may or may not have sex. Last…. if …
Brooklyn Tony on Math
Brooklyn Tony returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic. “Why?” asks the father. The teacher asked ”How much is 2×3,” I said ”6,” replies Tony. “But that’s right!” says his dad.’, ‘”Yeah, but then she asked me ” How much is 3×2?”” “What’s the fucking difference?” asks the father. “That’s what …
Brooklyn Tony
Theteacher asks her class, “If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence andyou shoot one of them, how many will be left ?”She calls on Brooklyn Tony. He replies, “None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.” Theteacher replies, “The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.”‘, ‘Then Brooklyn Tony …
Should Children Witness Childbirth?
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and …
New Diet
I have a Golden retriever & I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn”t because I”d ended up …
Mexican Boarder Wall Problem Solved
Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border, take the dirt and raise the levies in New Orleans, and then put the Florida alligators into the border moat! Any other problems you would like for me to solve?
How Do You Feel?
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: “Slim, I”m 83 years old now and I’m just full of aches and pains. I know you’re about my age. How do you feel?” Slim says, “I feel just like a newborn …
Elderly Marriage
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:“So I hear you”re getting married?”“Yep!”“Do I know her?”“Nope!”“This woman, is she good looking?”“Not really.”“Is she a good cook?”“Naw, she can’t cook too well.”“Does she have lots of money?”“Nope! Poor as a church mouse.”“Well, then, is she good in bed?”“I don’t know.”“Why in the world do you …
Elderly Drinker
A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked-after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady, (mid eighties). The gentleman walks over, sits alongside of …
Two New Dogs
A girl was visiting her friend who had acquired two new dogs. She asked her what their names were. The friend responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, “Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that”? “Hellooooo,” she answered. “They’re watch dogs!”
She Ain’t Easy… But…
She’s been on her knees more times than Billy Graham. She’s been laid on more kitchen floors than linoleum. She’s done more screwing than Black and Decker. She’s responsible for more merry men than Robin Hood. She’s turned more tricks than Houdini has. She’s been in more motel rooms than the Bible. She’s been boarded …
How to Shower
How to shower like a woman: Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mi rror — make mental note to do …
Chicken and the Harley
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the Farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back …
Elk Hunters
Two hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting. They were quite successful in their venture, and bagged six big bucks. The pilot came back as arranged to pick them up. They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk. But the pilot objected. “The plane …
Two Guys
These two guys meet after not having seen each other for many many years. First guy asks the second guy, “How have things been going?” The second guy speaking very slowly tells the first guy, “I w..a..s a..l..m..o..s..t m..a..r..r..i..e..d.” The first guy says in amazement, “Hey; you don’t stutter any more.” The answer comes, ” …
Big Island Hawaii – Creepy Photo
Normally I wouldn’t think very much of photos like these, however in this instance I actually know the person who took the photo. He said he was on the Big Island of Hawaii and went to visit relative’s grave site. While he was there he took this photo of an unknown person’s grave. When you …
The Pasta Diet
The Pasta Diet1) You walka pasta da bakery.2) You walka pasta da candy store.3) You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.4) You walka pasta da table and fridge. And for those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on nutrition and health. It”s a relief to know the truth after all …
Hillbilly Medical Terms
Benign………………….What you be after you be eight. Bacteria………………..Back door to cafeteria. Barium…………………What you do with dead folks. Cesarean Section……A neighborhood in Rome. Catscan……………….Searching for the cat.Cauterize……………..Made eye contact with her. Colic……………………A sheep dog. Coma………………….A punctuation mark. D&C……………………Where Washington is. Dilate………………….To live longer than your kids do.’, ‘Enema………………Not a friend. Fester……………….Quicker than someone else. Fibula………………..A small …
Tickle Me Elmo
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock …
The Cork…oops!
Two Arab terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower after their bomb making class, when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his butt. If you do not mind me saying,” said the second, “that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why do you not take it out?” I regret I cannot”, …
New Pharmacology
In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After …
Great One-Liners
1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he wasGod and I didn’t! 2. I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.3. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!4. Some people are alive only because it”s illegal to kill them.5. I used to have a handle …
Why We Broke Up
She told me we couldn’t afford beer anymore and I’d have to quit. Then I caught her spending $65.00 on make-up. I asked how come I had to give up stuff and she didn’t. She said she needed the make-up to look pretty for me. I told her that was what the beer was for. …
Be Careful When You Have a Fast Car, it Could Hurt
A man goes out and buys a new Vette convertible. One night he takes it out for a spin, and stops at a red light. An old man pulls up next to him riding a mo-ped. The old man looks over the Vette and says, “What kind of car ya got there sonny?” The man …
Anal Glaucoma
A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well. “What’s the matter?” he asks “I have a case of anal glaucoma,” she says in a weak voice. “What the hell is anal glaucoma?” “I can’t see my ass coming into work today.”