Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books, ‘Titanic’ and ‘My Life’ by Bill Clinton. One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories! His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report. Titanic : Cost – $29.99 Clinton : Cost – $29.99 …
Secretary of State, Dean Rusk, was in France in the early 60’s when DeGaulle decided to pull out of NATO. DeGaulle said he wanted all US military out of France as soon as possible. Rusk responded, “Does that include those who are buried here?” DeGaulle did not respond. You could have heard a pin drop. …
This is one time our elected leaders should pay attention to the advice of Vladimir Putin…. how scary is that? On February 4th, 2013, Vladimir Putin, the Russian president, addressed the Duma (Russian Parliament) and gave a speech about the tensions with minorities in Russia: “In Russia live Russians. Any minority, from anywhere, if it …
A guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. A genie appears and tells him he has been granted one wish. The guy thinks for a moment and says, “I want to live forever.” “Sorry,” said …
A Republican, in a wheelchair, entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Republican looked across the restaurant and asked, “Is that Jesus sitting over there?” The waitress nodded “yes,” so the Republican requested that she give Jesus a cup of coffee, on him. The next patron to …
If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates. ~ Jay Leno The problem with political jokes is they get elected. ~ Henry Cate, VII We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office. ~ Aesop If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these …
There was a bit of confusion at the Local Jay C grocery store this morning. When I was ready to pay for my groceries, the cashier said, “Strip down, facing me.” Making a mental note to complain to my congressman about Homeland Security running amok, I did just as she had instructed. When the hysterical …
Dear Abby, My husband has a long record of money problems. He runs up huge credit-card bills and at the end of the month, if I try to pay them off, he shouts at me, saying I am stealing his money. He says pay the minimum and let our kids worry about the rest, but …
Just wanted to let you know – today I received my 2012 Social Security Stimulus Package. It contained two tomato seeds, cornbread mix, a prayer rug, a machine to blow smoke up my ass, 2 discount coupons to KFC, an “Obama Hope & Change” bumper sticker, and a “Blame it on Bush” poster for the …
A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy. Before the procedure, a beautiful nurse comes into his room, takes his vitals, then tells him to take off all of his clothes. When he is fully undressed, she instructs him to lie down on a table. The man obeys. The nurse then removes all of …
Playboy magazine reportedly offered Sarah Palin $4,000,000 to pose nude in an upcoming issue. Michelle Obama was offered $50 by National Geographic. We all remember when KFC offered a “Hillary” meal, consisting of two small breasts and two large thighs. Now KFC is offering the “Obama Cabinet Bucket.” It consists of nothing, but left wings …
In 2012 both Groundhog Day and the State of the Union address will occur on the same day. This is an ironic juxtaposition of events. One involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to an insignificant creature of little intelligence for prognostication. The other involves a groundhog.
First came the commemorative coins, then the T-shirts, and then the plates! Now, something for the rest of us…Use sparingly…I find that it irritates my ass!
These holes are not only amazing, but some are really terrifying! The sheer scale of these holes reminds you of just how tiny we are. Kimberley Big Hole – South Africa Apparently the largest ever hand-dug excavation in the world, this 1097 meter deep mine yielded over 3 tons of diamonds before being closed. Glory …
Rules for Bullshit Bingo: 1. Before Barrack Obama’s next televised speech, print your “Bullshit Bingo” 2. Check off the appropriate block when you hear one of those words/phrases. 3. When you get five blocks horizontally, vertically, or diagonally, stand up and shout “BULLSHIT!
Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place. Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell — They don’t even serve food anymore, so what’s the loss? The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a ‘party atmosphere’ going in the cabin. And, …
This guy would make an ideal politician and probably do a better job than any we have today. At least he has what is needed in Washington…
In answer to the question, ‘Do you have any dependents?’, I put … ’12 million illegal immigrants, crack heads, unemployable bastards, the cast of The Jerry Springer Show, 140,000 people in our 133 penal establishments in California, leftovers from Katrina, half of Mexico, much of the Congress & staff, most of the Senate and a …
Why did Bernie Madoff go to prison? To make it simple, he talked people into investing with him. Trouble was, he didn’t invest their money. As time rolled on he simply took the money from the new investors to pay off the old investors. Finally there were too many old investors and not enough money …
The teacher said, “Let’s begin by reviewing some American History. Who said, ‘Give me Liberty, or give me Death’?” She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Hodiaki a bright foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up: ‘Patrick Henry, 1775’he said. ‘Very good!’ Who said, ‘Government of the People, by …
If you voted for Obama in 2008 to prove you’re not a racist, vote for someone else in 2012 to prove you’re not an idiot.
Today I went to the Sequoyah birthplace museum near Vonore, Tennessee. This was a very interesting museum because it talked about Sequoyah and the Cherokee Indians. In the museum they talked about the Trail of Tears which relocated the Cherokee indians from Tennessee to Oklahoma. There was all sorts of artifacts and information. Here are …
California: The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks the Governor’s dog, then bites the Governor. 1. The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie “Bambi” and then realizes he should stop because the coyote is only doing what is natural. 2. …
The Pope and Obama are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd. The Pope leans towards Mr. Obama and said, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a …
