Women always say that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts. Here is proof that they are wrong. A year or so after giving birth a woman will often say “it might be nice to have another kid”. You never hear a guy say ” I would like …
Category: Humor
Side Effect
A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him. “I have some good news and some bad news,” says the surgeon. “The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!” “Oh God no!” …
New Chevy
I stopped by the Chevrolet Dealership yesterday, for a look at the new Silverado 1500 pickup. Just for fun, I took it out for a test drive. I wanted to sense that new “feel” before they become extinct. The salesman (a black man wearing an Obama “change” lapel pin) sat in the passenger seat describing …
Old Man Scam **Beware**
Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This one caught me totally by surprise. This is a warning for all men and I wanted to pass it on in case you haven’t heard about it. It’s a ‘heads up’ for those older men who may be …
Idiot Sightings
I handed the teller at my bank a withdrawal slip for $400.00 . I said “May I have large bills, please”? She looked at me and said “I’m sorry sir; all the bills are the same size.” When I got up off the floor I explained it to her. Columbus, OH. When my husband and …
Chinese Restaurant
A couple goes for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and orders the “Chicken Surprise.” The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the …
Fifty Shades of Grey
He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forwards, then backwards, forward, then backwards again …….. back and forth …. back and forth ….. in and out ….. in and out. She could feel the sweat on her forehead and between her breasts, and trickling down the small …
The Dreaded Phone Call From the Boss
My boss phoned me today. He said, “Is everything OK at the office?” I said, “It’s all under control. It’s been a very busy day. I haven’t stopped to take a break all day.” “Can you do me a favour?” he asked. I said “Of course, What is it?” “Pick up the pace a little. …
Dear Mum Letter
A mother passing by her son’s bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, ‘Mum’. With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands. ‘Dear, Mum. It is …
Amazing Discovery
Scientists at CERN in Geneva have announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science.. The new element is Governmentium (Gv). It has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, …
A Message from John Cleese
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea …
Dogs
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, ‘Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?’ ‘HELLLOOOOOOO……,’ answered the blonde. ‘They’re watch dogs’
In a Vacuum
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night… It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, ‘If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?’ She thought for a time and then asked, ‘Is it on or off?’
Blonde on the Sun
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, ‘We were the first in space!’ The American said, ‘We were the first on the moon!’ The Blonde said, ‘So what? We’re going to be the first on the sun!’ The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook …
Knitting
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, ‘PULL OVER!’ ‘NO!’ the …
River Walk
There’s this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank ‘Yoo-hoo!’ she shouts, ‘How can I get to the other side?’ The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, ‘You ARE on the other side.’
At the Doctor’s Office
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor’s office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. ‘Impossible!’ says the doctor.. ‘Show me.’ The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed …
Speeding Ticket
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, ‘I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!’
Car Trouble
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, ‘What’s the story?’ He replies, ‘Just crap in the carburetor’ She asks, ‘How often do I have to do that?’
Florida or Moon
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, ‘Which do you think is farther away… Florida or the moon?’ The other blonde turns and says ‘Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida?
Disneyland Blonde Joke
Two blondes were going to Disneyland . They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland Left. They started crying and turned around and went home.
Speaking German in Texas
In Texas, there is a town named Fredericksburg, where there is a large German-speaking population. One day, a local rancher driving down a country road noticed a man using his hand to drink water from the rancher’s stock pond. The rancher rolled down the window and shouted: “Sehr angenehm! Trink das Wasser nicht. Die kuehe …
Married Life
– The wife’s back on the warpath again. Last night she said she wanted to make a sex movie, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part. – My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off. – I …
Scottish Blood
A wealthy Arab Sheik was admitted to hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his type of blood in case the need arose. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn’t be found locally, so, the call went out. Finally a Scotsman was located who …
The Aisle Seat
Terrorists boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat. Just before take-off, a Royal Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After take-off the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the …
Difficult Things to Say
Words that are difficult to say when DRUNK: 1. Innovative 2. Preliminary 3. Proliferation 4. Cinnamon WORDS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. Specificity 2. Anti-constitutionalistically 3. Passive-aggressive disorder 4. Transubstantiate WORDS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. No thanks, I’m married. 2. Nope, no more booze for me! …
Book Report
Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books, ‘Titanic’ and ‘My Life’ by Bill Clinton. One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories! His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report. Titanic : Cost – $29.99 Clinton : Cost – $29.99 …