Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn’t need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly …
Category: Humor
Two Elderly Gentlemen
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: ‘Slim, I’m 83 years old now and I’m just full of aches and pains. I know you’re about my age. How do you feel?’ Slim says, ‘I feel just like a newborn …
Garage Door
The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open.. His assistant walked up to him and said, ‘This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?’ The boss told her he knew he’d closed the garage door, and walked into …
Seniors
During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, “How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?” “Well,” he said, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub”. “Oh, I understand,” …
A Jack Daniels Fishing Story
I went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bait. Knowing the snake couldn’t bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put …
Miss Bea & Her Condom
Miss Bea was in her eighties, and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring, and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea. As he sat facing her …
Police Quotes
These are actual comments made by 16 police officers. The comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country. 1. “You know, stop lights don’t come any redder than the one you just went through.” 2. “Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch after you wear them a while.” 3. …
Top Four Adult Jokes of 2009
Fourth Place: A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, ‘Ma’am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you’ll forgive me.’ She replies, ‘If your penis is …
Ole’s Logic
Government surveyors came to Ole’s farm in the fall and asked if they could do some surveying. Ole agreed and Lena even served them a nice meal at noon time. The next spring, the two surveyors stopped by and told Ole, “Because you were so kind to us, we wanted to give you this bad …
The Woman Marine Pilot
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But …
The Polish Divorce
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well. One day he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, …
Passports
Dear Sirs, I’m in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this. How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a cable t.v. from them back in 1987, and yet the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on …
Globalization
Question: What is the true definition of Globalisation? Answer: Princess Diana’s death. Question: How come? Answer: An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, riding in a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scotch whisky, (produced in Scotland) followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, …
Zen Teachings
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow.. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone. 2. Sex is like air. It’s not that important unless you aren’t getting any. …
Walking Eagle
President Barack Obama was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation two weeks ago in upstate New York. He spoke for almost an hour about his plans for increasing every Native American’s present standard of living. He referred to his time as a U.S. Senator and how he had voted for …
Gary Coleman’s Casket
It even has his name on it!
Ads That Just Don’t Work Anymore
Brace yourself — the copy reads: Though she was a tiger lady, our hero didn’t have to fire a shot to floor her. After one look at his Mr. Leggs slacks, she was ready to have him walk all over her. That noble styling sure soothes the savage …
Media at its Best
A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Washington , DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion’s cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his …
New Army “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” Uniform
Designed by Hans Wilkie…
Company Names
All of these are legitimate companies, who apparently didn’t spend quite enough time considering how their online name might appear. These are not made up. While several have since been changed, incredibly some of the sites are still up and running under these URL’s. Check them out yourself! 1. ‘Who Represents’ is where you can …
Teachers & Cops:
These are actual comments made on students’ report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded 1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig. 2. I would not allow this student to breed. 3. Your child has delusions of adequacy. …
Things We Should Probably Know, But Don’t
1. Money isn’t made out of paper, it’s made out of cotton. 2. The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp (marijuana) paper. 3. The dot over the letter i is called a ‘tittle’. 4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the …
