Category: Humor
Atheist in the Classroom
A United States Marine was attending some college courses between assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan. One of thecourses had a professor who was an avowed atheist and a member of the ACLU. One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to theceiling and flatly stated, “God, …
Sick of Blonde Jokes
There was a blonde who just got sick and tired of all the blonde jokes she’d hear at the office. So one evening she went home and memorized allof the state capitals. Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a Dumb Blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement, “I’ve …
The Blonde & The Heart Attack
A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. She rushes upstairs to find her husband naked on the bed, sweating and panting. “What’s up?” she asks. “I’m having a heart attack,” cries the husband. The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she’s dialing, her …
Troops Should Pull Out
If you consider that there has been an average of 160,000 troops in the Iraq theatre of operations during the last 22 months, and a total of 2,112 deaths – that gives a firearm death rate of 60 per 100,000 soldiers. For the same period of time, the firearm death rate in Washington DC is …
Finish?
A virile, middle aged Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless. After …
You Know You’re in Texas When…
– The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground. – The trees are whistling for the dogs. – The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance. – Hot water now comes out of both taps. – You can make sun tea instantly. – You learn that a …
Warning: Idiots in the Area
We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.The reason: “Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don’t think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.”From Kingman, KS. I was at the …
Up Nort in Dulut
Ole Vas working at the fish plant up nort in Dulut vhen he accidentlycut off all ten of his finkers. He vent to da emergency room in the Clinik and vhen he got dar daNorsky doctor looked at Ole and said, “Let’s have da finkers and I’ll see vhat I can do. “Ole said, “I …
Pregnant Turkey Story
Last year at Christmas time, my mom went to my sister’s house for the traditional holiday feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store and asked if my sister wouldn’t mind going out to get it. When my …
Eve’s Side of the Story
After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. “So, how is everything going?” inquired God. It is all so beautiful, God,” she replied. “The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem. It is these breasts you have given me. …
A Can of Worms
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup. The …
Observation
A lecturer teaching medicine was tutoring a class on ”Observation”. He took out a jar of yellow-colored liquid. “This”, he explained, “is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant to color, smell, sight, and taste.” After saying this, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His …
$20.00
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to …
Mood Swings
Dear Abby,My husband is not happy with my mood swings. So for Christmas he bought me a mood ring so he would be able to monitor my moods. When I’m in a good mood it turns green. When I’m in a bad mood it leaves a big fucking red mark on his forehead. Maybe next …
Italian Lawyers
A professor of law had just finished a guest lecture at a law school in Italy when an Italian lawyer approached him and asked, “Is it true that a person can fall down on a sidewalk in your country and then sue the land owners for lots of money?” Told it was true, the lawyer …
No sex since 1955
A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. “Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?” …
The Gay Flight Attendant
My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he’ll be landing the …
Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity
1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down. 2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don’t disguise your voice. 3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that. 4. Put your garbage …
Precaution
A senior citizen visits his doctor for a routine check-up and everything seems fine. The doctor asks him about his sex life. “Well…” the man drawled, “not bad at all to be honest. The wife ain’t all that interested anymore, so I just cruise around. In the past week I was able to pick-up and …
Wedding Terms
On their wedding night, the young bride told her groom “Since we’re married now, we can arrange our sex life like this: In the evening if my hair is done, that means I don’t want sex at all. If my hair is somewhat undone, that means I may or may not have sex. Last…. if …
Brooklyn Tony on Math
Brooklyn Tony returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic. “Why?” asks the father. The teacher asked ”How much is 2×3,” I said ”6,” replies Tony. “But that’s right!” says his dad.’, ‘”Yeah, but then she asked me ” How much is 3×2?”” “What’s the fucking difference?” asks the father. “That’s what …
Brooklyn Tony
Theteacher asks her class, “If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence andyou shoot one of them, how many will be left ?”She calls on Brooklyn Tony. He replies, “None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.” Theteacher replies, “The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.”‘, ‘Then Brooklyn Tony …
Should Children Witness Childbirth?
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and …
New Diet
I have a Golden retriever & I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn”t because I”d ended up …
Mexican Boarder Wall Problem Solved
Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border, take the dirt and raise the levies in New Orleans, and then put the Florida alligators into the border moat! Any other problems you would like for me to solve?
How Do You Feel?
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: “Slim, I”m 83 years old now and I’m just full of aches and pains. I know you’re about my age. How do you feel?” Slim says, “I feel just like a newborn …
Elderly Marriage
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:“So I hear you”re getting married?”“Yep!”“Do I know her?”“Nope!”“This woman, is she good looking?”“Not really.”“Is she a good cook?”“Naw, she can’t cook too well.”“Does she have lots of money?”“Nope! Poor as a church mouse.”“Well, then, is she good in bed?”“I don’t know.”“Why in the world do you …
Elderly Drinker
A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked-after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady, (mid eighties). The gentleman walks over, sits alongside of …
Two New Dogs
A girl was visiting her friend who had acquired two new dogs. She asked her what their names were. The friend responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, “Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that”? “Hellooooo,” she answered. “They’re watch dogs!”
She Ain’t Easy… But…
She’s been on her knees more times than Billy Graham. She’s been laid on more kitchen floors than linoleum. She’s done more screwing than Black and Decker. She’s responsible for more merry men than Robin Hood. She’s turned more tricks than Houdini has. She’s been in more motel rooms than the Bible. She’s been boarded …