Phillips, an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed …
Category: Thoughts
The Real Laws
1.Law of Mechanical Repair – After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you’ll have to pee. 2.Law of Gravity – Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe. 3.Law of Probability – The probability of being watched is directly …
Aircraft Maintenance Humor
After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a’gripe sheet,’ which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. …
A Positive Attitude
He finally awoke from his coma, stiff as a board and in pain in the hospital’s ICU, with tubes up his nose & down his throat, wires monitoring every function and a gorgeous nurse hovering over him. It was obvious he’d been in a serious accident. She gave him a deep and steady heartfelt look …
Real Facts
A rhinoceros horn is made of compacted hair. A cat’s lower jaw cannot move sideways. Six-year-olds laugh an average of 300 times a day. Adults only laugh 15 to 100 times a day. Borborygmi is the noise that your stomach makes when you are hungry. In one day, a full-grown oak tree expels 7 tons of water through its …
Darwin Awards
Here is the glorious winner: 1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked. And now, the honorable mentions: …
Do Elephants Remember?
In 1972, Joe Miller was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Tulsa Junior College. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Joe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants …
Male Logic: Critical Thinking At Its Best!
Woman: Do you drink beer? Man: Yes. Woman: How many beers a day? Man: Usually about 3 Woman: How much do you pay per beer? Man: $5.00 which includes a tip (This is where it gets scary !) Woman: And how long have you been drinking? Man: About 20 years, I suppose. Woman: So a …
Bar Room Logic
If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let’s all get wasted together and have the time of our lives. Armand’s Pizza, Washington, DC Fighting for peace is like Screwing for virginity. The Bayou, Baton Rouge, LO No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick …
The Amazing WD-40
I had a neighbor who bought a new pickup. I got up very early one Sunday morning and saw that someone had spray painted red all around the sides of this beige truck (for some unknown reason). I went over, woke him up, and told him the bad news. He was very upset and was …
Find the Cat
What a mess? Can you find the cat in this photo?
Ninja Show Near Mie, Japan
Went to Mie, Japan to checkout a real life ninja show. This was pretty neat because I went to an actual ninja village and learned that the Mie ninja’s were good at the art of implanting a suggestion into a person’s mind in order to get them to do what they want. If I remember …
The Aisle Seat
Terrorists boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat. Just before take-off, a Royal Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After take-off the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the …
Curliest Hair
I had a big lead in a trivia competition at a local bar until the last question, which I got wrong. The question was where do women have the curliest hair? Fiji was the correct answer…hell, how did I know they wanted the name of a country?
Unattended Baggage
I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself. I’m going to take that.’
You Could Have Heard a Pin Drop
Secretary of State, Dean Rusk, was in France in the early 60’s when DeGaulle decided to pull out of NATO. DeGaulle said he wanted all US military out of France as soon as possible. Rusk responded, “Does that include those who are buried here?” DeGaulle did not respond. You could have heard a pin drop. …
Interesting Questions – Oxymorons
1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks? 2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand? 3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know? 4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words? 5. Why do we say something …
Putin’s Speech on Feb. 04, 2013
This is one time our elected leaders should pay attention to the advice of Vladimir Putin…. how scary is that? On February 4th, 2013, Vladimir Putin, the Russian president, addressed the Duma (Russian Parliament) and gave a speech about the tensions with minorities in Russia: “In Russia live Russians. Any minority, from anywhere, if it …
Marriage Counseling
A married couple goes to a marriage counselor to work out some problems. The counselor sits them down and says “Let’s start by talking about what you both have in common.” The husband says, “Well for starters, neither one of us will suck a dick.”
Famous Quotes
America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real, but the moon landing was faked. ~ David Letterman ***** I’m not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. Dammit! I’m a billionaire. ~ Howard Hughes ***** After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box. …
Male Logic
A wife asks her husband, “Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.” A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, “Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?” He replied, “They had avocados.” …
Cowboy Tombstone
Here are the Five Rules for Men to Follow for a Happy Life that Russell J. Larsen had inscribed on his headstone in Logan , Utah . He died not knowing that he would win the “Coolest Headstone” contest. FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE: 1. It’s important to have a …
A Pilot Father’s Tough Love
Since I’m a pilot, one method that I have found very effective is for me to just take the child for a short flight during which I say nothing and give the child the opportunity to reflect on his or her behavior. I don’t know whether it’s the steady vibration from the engines, or just …
The Penis Poem by Willie Nelson
My nookie days are over, My pilot light is out. What used to be my sex appeal, Is now my water spout. Time was when, on its own accord, From my trousers it would spring. But now I’ve got a full time job, To find the f***in’ thing. It used to be embarrassing, The way …