America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real, but the moon landing was faked.
~ David Letterman
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I’m not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. Dammit! I’m a billionaire.
~ Howard Hughes
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After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.
~ Italian proverb
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Men are like linoleum floors. Lay ’em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.
~ Betsy Salkind
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The only reason that they say, ‘Women and children first’ is to test the strength of the lifeboats.
~ Jean Kerr
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I’ve been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage.
~ Zsa Zsa Gabor
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You know you’re a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn’t.
~ Jeff Foxworthy
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When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.
~ Prince Philip
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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
~ Emo Philips.
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Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.
~ Harrison Ford
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The best cure for sea sickness is to sit under a tree.
~ Spike Milligan
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Lawyers believe that a man is innocent until proven broke.
~ Robin Hall
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Kill one man and you’re a murderer, kill a million and you’re a conqueror.
~ Jean Rostand.
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Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million.
~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.
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We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.
~ W.H. Auden
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In hotel rooms I worry. I can’t be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.
~ Jonathan Katz
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If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.
~ Johnny Carson
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I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical.
~ Arthur C. Clarke
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Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.
~ Steve Martin
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Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.
~ Jimmy Durante
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As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind – every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.
~ John Glenn
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If toast always lands butter-side down and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat?
~ Steven Wright
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America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.
~ Doug Hamwell
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The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.
~ George Roberts
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If God had intended us to fly, he would have made it easier to get to the airport.
~ Jonathan Winters
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I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
~ Robert Benchley