Observations
- There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and dipshit’s.
- The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
- I live in my own little world, but it’s OK. Everyone knows me there.
- I don’t do drugs. I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.
- I don’t like political jokes. I’ve seen too many get elected.
- The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
- If life deals you lemons, make lemonade. If life deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Mary’s……………..
- Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.
- Every day I beat my previous record of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
- No one ever says, “It’s only a game!” when their team’s winning.
- Marriage changes passion . . . suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
- Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?
- Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
- Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.
- I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing.
- If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn’t need the freakin’ class!
- Don’t argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
- Wouldn’t you know it! Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.
