The Kumachan – Page 100 – Celebration of free speech

Irish Diabetic

By Dave in Humor
2014-12-19

One day an Irishman goes into a pharmacy – reaches into his pocket and takes out a small Irish whiskey bottle and a teaspoon.

He pours from the bottle onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist.

“Could you taste this for me, please?”

The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it.

“Does that taste sweet to you?” asks Paddy.

“No, not at all,” says the chemist.

“Oh that’s a relief,” says Paddy. “The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar.”

diabetic, irish

I was having a drink at a local restaurant with my friend Justin when he spotted an attractive woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering his courage, he approached her and asked, “Would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”

She responded by yelling at the top of her lungs, “No, I won’t come over to your place tonight!”

With everyone in the restaurant staring, Justin crept back to our table, puzzled and humiliated.
A few minutes later, the woman walked over to us and apologized. “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you,” she said, “but I’m a graduate student in psychology and I’m studying human reaction to embarrassing situations.”

At the top of his lungs Justin responded, “What do you mean, two hundred dollars?”

student

The Male Cycle

By Dave in Humor
2014-12-10

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn’t keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.

happy, suicide

Little Bruce

By Dave in Humor
2014-12-01

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love.

One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny’s father to ask him for her hand.

Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, “Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage.”

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, “Well Bruce, you are only 10… Where will you two live?”

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, “In Jenny’s room. It’s bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely.”

Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, “Okay, then how will you live? You’re not old enough to get a job. You’ll need to support Jenny.”

Again, Bruce instantly replies, “Our allowance, Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That’s 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine.”

Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this.

“Well Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?”

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, “Well, we’ve been lucky so far.”

Mr. Smith no longer thinks little Brucie is adorable.

Jenny, Smith, love, marriage, want

Photos of Countryside Between Phoenix, Arizona and Temecula, California

By Dave in Events, Photos, Travel
2014-11-30

Today I drove down I-10 from Phoenix, Arizona to Temecula, California. Here are photos I took of the countryside along the way. As you can see for yourself that there is a whole lot of nothing. It wasn’t until I turned off at Palm Springs where I started driving up the mountains. Other than that, it was one of the most boring drives I have ever been on.

Palm Springs, driving, horse, suicide

Golf Lessons

By Dave in Humor, Sports
2014-11-29

A foursome of guys are waiting at the men’s tee while a foursome of women are hitting from the ladies’ tee. The ladies are taking their time. When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it 10 feet. Then she goes over and whiffs it completely. Then she hacks it another ten feet and finally hacks it another five feet. She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, “I guess all those f……… lessons I took over the winter aren’t helping”.

One of the men immediately responds: “Well, there you have it…You should have taken golf lessons instead!”

golf, winter, women

Maxine on the Economy

By Dave in Humor
2014-11-27

economy, maxine

Marriage (written by kids)

By Dave in Humor
2014-11-25

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
— Alan, age 10

-No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with.
— Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then..
— Camille, age 10

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
— Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don’t want any more kids.
— Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

-Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
— Lynnette, age 8

-On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
— Martin, age 10

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

-When they’re rich.
— Pam, age 7

-The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that.
— Curt, age 7

-The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It’s the right thing to do.
— Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
— Anita, age 9

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN’T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there?
— Kelvin, age 8

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.
— Ricky, age 10

FOREVER, kids, listen, people, sports, want, wife

Irate Airline Passenger

By Dave in Humor, Thoughts, Travel
2014-11-23

A crowded United Airlines flight was cancelled.

A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travellers.

Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said:-“I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS.”

The agent replied: “I’m sorry, sir. I’ll be happy to try to help you, but I’ve got to help these folks first; and then I’m sure we’ll be able to work something out.”

The passenger was unimpressed.

He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear: “DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?”

Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. “May I have your attention, please?”, she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.

“We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him with his identity, please come to Gate 14.”

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United Airlines agent, gritted his teeth, and said: “F*** You!”

Without flinching, she smiled and said: “I’m sorry sir, you’ll have to get in line for that, too.”

United Airlines, happy, work

Birds of Paradise Flowers

By Dave in Events, Photos, Travel
2014-11-22

Here is a collection of photos I took of birds of paradise flowers, while in San Diego, California.

San Diego

Two Irish Moose Hunters

By Dave in Humor
2014-11-21

Paddy and Mick arrived in Quebec for a moose hunting trip and hired a private pilot to fly them deep into the Canadian wilderness. After many mishaps and adventures, by the end of the trip they had managed to bag a moose each. As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said he could only take the hunters, their gear and one moose, due to load constraints. The hunters objected saying, “Last year we shot two, and the pilot let us take them both…and he had exactly the same plane as yours.”

Not wanting to be outdone by another bush pilot, their pilot reluctantly gave in and everything was loaded. However, even under full power the little plane couldn’t climb above the tree tops and went down in the wooded wilderness. Somehow, surrounded by the moose, clothing and sleeping bags, Paddy and Mick survived the crash.

After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, “Any idea where we are?”

Mick replied, “I’m pretty sure we’re close to where we crashed last year.”

Last, Mick, pilot

Stay!

By Dave in Humor
2014-11-19

I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the local shopping center and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever pup had fresh air. She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically,”Now you stay. Do you hear me?”

“Stay! Stay!”

The driver of a nearby car, a pretty young blonde, gave me a strange look and said, “Why don’t you just put it in ‘Park’?”

Labrador Retriever, parking, shopping

The Correct Way to Weigh Yourself

By Dave in Humor
2014-11-17

correct, weigh, yourself

First Impressions of San Diego, California

By Dave in Events, Photos, Travel
2014-11-16

Today I decided to drive and explore California a little bit. I found my way driving up the coast and I found this nice beach at La Jolla. Here are some photos of my 1st impressions of California.