British Humor is Different
These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old,
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!
FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor’s dog.
FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd. Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.
FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.
Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker–Billy Connolly. “If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, How come they can’t have a headache and sex at the same time?”
Did You Know?
1. Your shoes are the first thing people subconsciously notice about you. Wear nice shoes.
2. If you sit for more than 11 hours a day, there’s a 50% chance you’ll die within the next 3 years.
3. There are at least 6 people in the world who look exactly like you.
There’s a 9% chance that you’ll meet one of them in your lifetime.
4. Sleeping without a pillow reduces back pain and keeps your spine stronger.
5. A person’s height is determined by their father, and their weight is determined by their mother.
6. If a part of your body “falls asleep”, You can almost always “wake it up” by shaking your head.
7. There are three things the human brain cannot resist noticing – food, attractive people and danger.
8. Right-handed people tend to chew food on their right side
9. Putting dry tea bags in gym bags or smelly shoes will absorb the unpleasant odor.
10. According to Albert Einstein, if honey bees were to disappear from earth, humans would be dead within 4 years.
11. There are so many kinds of apples, that if you ate a new one everyday, it would take over 20 years to try them all.
12. You can survive without eating for weeks, but you will only live 11 days without sleeping.
13. People who laugh a lot are healthier than those who don’t.
14. Laziness and inactivity kills just as many people as smoking.
15. A human brain has a capacity to store 5 times as much information as Wikipedia.
16. Our brain uses the same amount of power as a 10-watt light bulb!!
17. Our body gives enough heat in 30 mins to boil 1.5 liters of water!!
18. The Ovum egg is the largest cell and the sperm is the smallest cell !!
19. Stomach acid (conc. HCl) is strong enough to dissolve razor blades!!
20. Take a 10-30 minute walk every day & while you walk, SMILE. It is the ultimate antidepressant.
21. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day.
22. When you wake up in the morning, pray to ask God’s guidance for your purpose today.
23. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.
24. Drink green tea and plenty of water. Eat blueberries, broccoli, and almonds.
25. Try to make at least three people smile each day.
26. Don’t waste your precious energy on gossip, energy vampires, issues of the past, negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.
27. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a college kid with a maxed out charge card.
28. Life isn’t fair, but it’s still good.
29. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Forgive them for everything.
30. Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
31. You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
32. Make peace with your past so it won’t spoil the present.
33. Don’t compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
34. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
35. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: ‘In five years, will this matter?’
36. Help the needy, Be generous! Be a ‘Giver’ not a ‘Taker’.
37. What other people think of you is none of your business.
38. Time heals everything.
39. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
40. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. Each night before you go to bed, pray to God and be thankful for what you accomplished, today.
43. Remember that you are too blessed to be stressed.
They walk among us!
1.They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail
I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang up $46.64 charge. I gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I gave the money back to her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY favor. She became indignant and informed me she was educated and knew what she was doing, and returned the money again. I gave her the money back …. same scenario! I departed the store with the $46.64.
2.They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail
I walked into a Starbucks with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a Grande Latte. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said ‘buy one-get one free.’ ‘They’re already buy-one-get-one-free,’ she said, ‘so I guess they’re both free’. She handed me my free Lattes and I walked out the door.
3.They Walk Among Us!
One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of them shouted, ‘Look at that dead bird!’ Someone looked up at the sky and said, ‘Where?’
4.They Walk Among Us!
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn’t want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, ‘Does the sun rise in the North?’ When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, ‘Oh I don’t keep up with all that stuff.’
5.They Walk Among Us!!
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, ‘The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.’ He responded, ‘Is that Eastern or Pacific time?’ Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, ‘Uh, Pacific.’
6.They Walk Among Us!
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk!
7.They Walk Among Us!
My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.
8.They Walk Among Us!
I couldn’t find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. ‘Now,’ she asked me, has your plane arrived yet?’
9.They Walk Among Us!
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. ‘Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don’t think I’m hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.’
Yep, They Walk Among Us!
Having a Bad Day?
How’s Your day Going? Hope it’s way better than these people experienced…….Yikes!
The Real Laws
1.Law of Mechanical Repair – After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you’ll have to pee.
2.Law of Gravity – Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.
3.Law of Probability – The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
4.Law of Random Numbers – If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.
5.Variation Law – If you change traffic lanes, the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now. This is also true when you change checkout lines at Walmart,
K-Mart and the grocery store.
6.Law of the Bath – When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.
8.Law of the Result – When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, IT WILL!!!
9.Law of Biomechanics – The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
10.Law of the Theatre & Hockey Arena – At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.
11.The Coffee Law – As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
12.Murphy’s Law of Lockers – If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
13.Law of Physical Surfaces – The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.
14.Law of Logical Argument – Anything is possible IF you don’t know what you are talking about.
15. Law of Physical Appearance – If the clothes fit, they’re ugly.
16.Law of Public Speaking — A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET!
17.Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy – As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it OR the store will stop selling it!
18.Doctors’ Law – If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there, you’ll feel better. But don’t make an appointment and you’ll stay sick.
Undesirable Face Tattoo
Brings new meaning to the term, “Dickhead.”
The Parrot
A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.
“Why so little?” she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, “Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.”
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird’s cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, “New house, new madam.”
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought “that’s really not so bad.” When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them and said, “New house, new madam, new girls.”
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised. Moments later, the woman’s husband Keith came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, “Hi Keith.”
Tokyo Tower Guide Book
If you live on the Island of Honshu, Japan or even just traveling, you may want to take the time to stop by Tokyo and visit the Tokyo Tower. This tower is a symbol of Tokyo and it gives you a wonderful 360 degree panoramic view of the city. This as a popular dating spot destination amongst many young Japanese couples.
2014 College Football Humor
Urban Meyer on one of his players: “He doesn’t know the meaning of the word fear. In fact, I just saw his grades and he doesn’t know the meaning of a lot of words.”
______________________________________
Why do Tennessee fans wear orange?
So they can dress that way for the game on Saturday go hunting on Sunday, and pick up trash on Monday.
______________________________________
What does the average Alabama player get on his SATs?
Drool.
______________________________________
How many Ohio State freshmen football players does it take to change a light bulb?
None. That’s a sophomore course.
______________________________________
How did the Georgia football player die from drinking milk?
The cow fell on him.
______________________________________
Two West Virginia football players were walking in the woods.
One of them said, “Look, a dead bird.”
The other looked up in the sky and said, “Where?”
______________________________________
A Notre Dame University football player was almost killed yesterday in a tragic horseback-riding accident. He fell from a horse and was nearly trampled to death. Luckily, the manager of the Wal-Mart came out and unplugged the horse.
______________________________________
What do you say to a Louisiana State University football player dressed in a three-piece suit?”
“Will the defendant please rise.”
______________________________________
If three Florida State football players are in the same car, who is driving?
The police officer.
Chinese Winnie the Pooh Fired on the 1st Day
How do you manage to get fired on the first day in a Winnie the Poo costume? By putting on your costume pants backwards.
Aircraft Maintenance Humor
After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a’gripe sheet,’ which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
*
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
*
P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit
*
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
*
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
*
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
*
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
*
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what friction locks are for.
*
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
*
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.
*
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
*
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
*
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
*
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
*
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget
A Positive Attitude
He finally awoke from his coma, stiff as a board and in pain in the hospital’s ICU, with tubes up his nose & down his throat, wires monitoring every function and a gorgeous nurse hovering over him. It was obvious he’d been in a serious accident. She gave him a deep and steady heartfelt look straight in the eyes, and he heard her slowly say, “You may not feel anything from the waist down.”
He somehow managed to mumble in reply, “Can I feel your breasts, then?”
Now that’s a positive attitude!
Women Golf Pro Advantage
Who says women pro golfers are at a disadvantage to men?
Michelle Wie – pro golfer.
Matching lavender outfit worth $2000.
New pair of French sunglasses worth $500.
NIKE products Endorsements worth $10,000,000.
That handy gadget to hold your putter …. Priceless!!!
Clash of Clans
We have started a new clan in the game Clash of Clans. If you are interested, just search for clans and type in the name “The Ku machan” Anybody is ok to join. The only thing we ask is that you observe our three rules:
1. Have Fun
2. Be respectful
3. Keep it clean (there may be children playing)
Other than that we look forward to seeing you there.
Things You Have Probably Never Seen
Housing estate – Denmark
7,000 trees planted to form guitar on a farm in Argentina
India – As if one head wasn’t bad enough!
A Bugatti Veyron
Buttress tree roots – Costa Rica
Camouflaged mobile phone tower – U.S.A.
Carpet of flowers – Brussels, Belgium
Secondhand mobile phone market – China
Ship & tugboat – Corinth Canal, Greece
Statues bigger than you thought – Easter Island
El Penon de Guatape – 650 Ft stone – Colombia
Ferrari World – Abu Dhabi
Nature’s bridge – India
Golf course – Somewhere in Australia
Living on the edge
Magdeburg Water Bridge – Germany – 500 Million Euros, 6 Years to build, 918 Metres in length
Mandarin duck – China
Most beautiful horse in the world
Night Lights – Times Square, New York
Aerial view of Central Park, New York
Rooftop garden – New York
Niagara Falls – Canada
Supercell storm cloud – U.S.A.
Tibetan Mastiff Dog – Sold for 1.5 Million Dollars
Tosua Pool, Samoa
Window washers at Children’s Hospital – U.S.A.
Real Facts
A rhinoceros horn is made of compacted hair.
A cat’s lower jaw cannot move sideways.
Six-year-olds laugh an average of 300 times a day. Adults only laugh 15 to 100 times a day.
Borborygmi is the noise that your stomach makes when you are hungry.
In one day, a full-grown oak tree expels 7 tons of water through its leaves.
It is illegal for a portrait of a living person to appear on U.S. postage stamps.
Hawaii is moving toward Japan at the rate of almost 4 inches per year.
If you had 1 billion dollars and spent 1 thousand dollars a day, it would take you 2,749 years to spend it all
Indians Don’t Use Saddles
A woman from New York was driving through a remote
part of Arizona when her car broke down.
An American Indian on horseback came along and offered
her a ride to a nearby town.
She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.
The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the
Indian would let out a Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a’ so loud that it
echoed from the surrounding hills and canyon walls.
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service
station, yelled one final ‘Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!’ and rode off.
“What did you do to get that Indian so excited?” asked the
service-station attendant.
“Nothing,” the woman answered “I merely sat behind him on
the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the
saddle horn so I wouldn’t fall off.”
“Lady,” the attendant said, “Indians don’t use saddles.”
Okinawa Expo Park and Churaumi Aquarium
Went and visited the Okinawa Expo Park and the Churaumi Aquarium that is located within the park. This was definitely something to see. The Aquarium is known for having five whale sharks in captivity in this massive tank. The size of it was very impressive. There were other nice things to see around the part such as the vegetation, the spectacular views, the dolphin show, and you must see the whale sharks. There were some other things that were kind of neat such as using PVC pipes to act as mangrove tree roots for fish to live in.
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7 Reasons Not To Mess with Children
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, ‘When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah’.
The teacher asked, ‘What if Jonah went to hell?’
The little girl replied, ‘Then you ask him’.
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, ‘I’m drawing God.’
The teacher paused and said, ‘But no one knows what God looks like.’
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, ‘They will in a minute.’
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to ‘honour’ thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, ‘Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?’
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, ‘Thou shall not kill.’
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, ‘Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?’
Her mother replied, ‘Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.’
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, ‘Mummy, how come ALL of grandma’s hairs are white?’
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. ‘Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer, she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael, He’s a doctor..’
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, ‘And there’s the teacher, she’s dead.’
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, ‘Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.’
‘Yes,’ the class said.
‘Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn’t run into my feet?’
A little fellow shouted, ‘Cause your feet ain’t empty.’
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
‘Take only ONE. God is watching.’
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, ‘Take all you want. God is watching the apples.’