Jesus and the Democrat

A Republican, in a wheelchair, entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Republican looked across the restaurant and asked, “Is that Jesus sitting over there?”

The waitress nodded “yes,” so the Republican requested that she give Jesus a cup of coffee, on him.

The next patron to come in was a Libertarian, with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, “Is that Jesus, over there?”

The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, “My treat.”

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Democrat on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down, and hollered, “Hey there honey! How’s about getting me a cold mug of Miller Light?” He too looked across the restaurant and asked, “Isn’t that God’s boy over there?”

The waitress nodded, so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus a cold beer. “On my bill,” he said loudly.

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him, and said, “For your kindness, you are healed.”

The Republican felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and began to praise the Lord.

Jesus passed by the Libertarian, touched him, and said, “For your kindness, you are healed.” The Libertarian felt his back straightening up, and he raised his hands, and he to began to praised the Lord.

Then, Jesus walked towards the Democrat, just smiling. The Democrat jumped up and yelled, “Don’t touch me … I’m on disability.”

Hold Up

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault.

She says, “But sir, its just a sperm bank!”,

“I don’t care, open it now!!!” he replies.

So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples.

The guy says, “Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!”, she looks at him “BUT, they are sperm samples???” , “DO IT!”

So the nurse sucks it back. “That one there, drink that one as well,” so the nurse drinks that one as well.

Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, “See honey – its not that hard.”

Marriage Counseling

A married couple goes to a marriage counselor to work out some problems. The counselor sits them down and says “Let’s start by talking about what you
both have in common.”

The husband says, “Well for starters, neither one of us will suck a dick.”

The Penis Poem

Penis_Poem

Hillbilly Dream Catcher

Hillbilly dream catcher

Divorce Lawyers

divorce_lawyers

Crappy Day

bad_day

Motivational Posters #10

Famous Quotes

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real, but the moon landing was faked.
~ David Letterman

*****

I’m not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. Dammit! I’m a billionaire.
~ Howard Hughes

*****

After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.
~ Italian proverb

****

Men are like linoleum floors. Lay ’em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.
~ Betsy Salkind

*****

The only reason that they say, ‘Women and children first’ is to test the strength of the lifeboats.
~ Jean Kerr

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I’ve been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage.
~ Zsa Zsa Gabor

*****

You know you’re a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn’t.
~ Jeff Foxworthy

*****

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.
~ Prince Philip

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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
~ Emo Philips.

*****

Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.
~ Harrison Ford

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The best cure for sea sickness is to sit under a tree.
~ Spike Milligan

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Lawyers believe that a man is innocent until proven broke.
~ Robin Hall

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Kill one man and you’re a murderer, kill a million and you’re a conqueror.
~ Jean Rostand.

*****

Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million.
~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.

*****

We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.
~ W.H. Auden

*****

In hotel rooms I worry. I can’t be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.
~ Jonathan Katz

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If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.
~ Johnny Carson

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I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical.
~ Arthur C. Clarke

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Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.
~ Steve Martin

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Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.
~ Jimmy Durante

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As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind – every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.
~ John Glenn

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If toast always lands butter-side down and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat?
~ Steven Wright

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America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.
~ Doug Hamwell

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The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.
~ George Roberts

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If God had intended us to fly, he would have made it easier to get to the airport.
~ Jonathan Winters

*****

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
~ Robert Benchley

Ad in a Vietnamese Newspaper

Why Some Men Have a Dog And No Wife:

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
2. Dogs don’t notice if you call them by another dog’s name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
4. A dog’s parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. Dogs find you amusing when you’re drunk.
7. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
8. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, “If I died, would you get another dog?”
9. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
10. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
11.. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don’t get mad. They just think it’s interesting.
12. If a dog leaves, it won’t take half of your stuff.

Fiscal Debt

Fiscal Debt

Misuse of the Term Towel Heads

text

DEA Agent

A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, “I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.” The rancher said, “okay, but don’t go into that field over there…”, as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, “look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!” Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. “See this fucking badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want… On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!”

The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull…… With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he’d sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs……

“Your Badge! Show him your fucking badge!”

Budweiser Wisdom

Illegal Mexican Versus E.T.

What’s the difference between an illegal Mexican and E.T.? E.T. looked better, smelled better, learned English, didn’t claim benefits, had his own damn bike, and wanted to go home!

Trip Away

The missus asked me, “When you’re on a boys only trip away, do you think about me?”…. Apparently “Only to stop myself from coming too quickly” wasn’t the right answer.

Fortune Teller

I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money. Last night I screwed a girl named “Penny.” Is that spooky or what?

Coming or Going

My wife just came in and said, “I don’t know if I am coming or going.

”I said to her, “Judging by the look on your face, you’re going – ‘cus when you’re coming, you look like a Down Syndrome kid trying to whistle!”

Sorry for not Calling

Sorry for not calling you on New Years, I just got out of jail. I got locked up for punching the heck out of this idiot at a party. In my defense…when you hear an Arab counting down from 10, your instincts kick in.

Back Door

I was banging this nice Lady over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open.

She said, “It’s my husband! Quick, try the back door!”

Thinking back, I really should have ran – but you don’t get offers like that every day!

Text Message

Got this text from my brother recently. It read. “Can I stay at your house for a while? The ol’ Lady kicked me out after she caught me measuring my dick….. It just reaches the back of her sister’s throat!”

Robbed

A guy gets a call from the police telling him that his house was robbed. The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife. A moment of silence passes and the guy says, “I can’t believe they screwed my wife after only five beers!”

Testicle Therapy

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

‘Please allow me to help. I’m a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me, she told him.

‘Oh, no, I’ll be all right. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,’ the man replied..He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, ‘How does that feel’?

Feels great, he replied; but I still think my thumb’s broken!

Male Logic

A wife asks her husband, “Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.”

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, “Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?”

He replied, “They had avocados.”

If you’re a woman, I’m sure you’re going back to read it again! Men will get it the first time.

Cowboy Tombstone


Here are the Five Rules for Men to Follow for a Happy Life that Russell J. Larsen had inscribed on his headstone in Logan , Utah . He died not knowing that he would win the “Coolest Headstone” contest.

cowboy

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:
1. It’s important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.
2. It’s important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It’s important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn’t lie to you.
4. It’s important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.
5. It’s very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me.

Bar Girls

Bar_seats

Romantic Story

My wife, being the romantic sort, just sent me a text…
If you are sleeping, send me your dreams
If you are laughing, send me your smile
If you are eating, send me a bite
If you are drinking, send me a sip
If you are crying, send me your tears
I love you
I replied…I’m taking a shit. What should I do?

A Letter From Little Timmy To Santa

Dear Santa,
How are you ?…How is Mrs. Claus ? I hope the reindeer and the elves are all doing fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year,
Timmy Jones

Dear Timmy,
Thank you for your letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all
fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried about all the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn’t want you to get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think, instead of video things, I’ll bring you something you can go outside and play with.
Merry Christmas,
Santa Claus

Mr. Claus,
Seeing that I have fulfilled the “Naughty vs. Nice” contract, set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn’t want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don’t you think that a jibe at my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit trite?
Respectfully,
Tim Jones

Mr. Jones,
While I have acknowledged you have met the “nice” criteria, need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorneys have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks more like the bottom of the Burger King fry bin.
Very Truly Yours,
S Claus

Now look here Fat Man, I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting to be polite about this, but you brought my looks and my friends into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I’m about to tweet my boys and we’re gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I’m taking my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I want…You got that, chubby ?
T-Bone

Listen to me Pizza Face,
Seriously ?…You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on one night and never gets caught sweats a hot shot G-banger wannabe? “He sees you when you’re sleeping; He knows when you’re awake”. Sound familiar, genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your shit wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people. Things so bad that if I described them right now, you’d throw up your Totino’s pizza roll all over the carpet of your mom’s crib. You’re not getting what you asked for, but I’m still stopping by where you stays to stomp a mud hole in yo ass and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia.
Claws

Dear Santa,
Bring me whatever you see fit. I’ll appreciate anything.
Timmy

Timmy,
That’s what I thought you said…you little bastard.
Santa

Temptation

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, “Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?’

The rabbi responded, “Yes, that is still one of our laws.”

The priest then asked, “Have you ever eaten pork?”

To which the rabbi replied, “Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.”

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, “Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?”

The priest replied, “Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.”

The rabbi then asked him, “Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?” The priest replied, “Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my Faith.”

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes. Finally, the rabbi said, “Beats the shit out of a ham sandwich, doesn’t it?

Drink Responsibly

I would like to share a personal experience with my closest friends about drinking and driving.

As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from an occasional social session over the years.

A couple of nights ago, I was out for an evening with friends and had a couple of cocktails and some rather nice red wine.

Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I’ve never done before ~ I took a cab home. Sure enough, I passed a police road block but, since it was a cab, they waved it past.

I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise; as I have never driven a cab before and am not sure where I got it or what to do with it now that it’s in my garage.