The Computer Swallowed Grandma Poem
The computer swallowed Grandma,
Yes, honestly it’s true!
She pressed ‘control and ‘enter’
And disappeared from view.
It devoured her completely,
The thought just makes me squirm.
She must have caught a virus
Or been eaten by a worm.
I’ve searched through the recycle bin
And files of every kind;
I’ve even used the Internet,
But nothing did I find.
In desperation, I asked Mr. Google
My searches to refine.
The reply from him was negative,
Not a thing was found ‘online.’
So, if inside your ‘Inbox,’
My Grandma you should see,
Please ‘Copy, Scan’ and ‘Paste’ her,
And send her back to me!
Today’s word is: Fluctuations
I was at my bank today; there was a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated . . .
She asked the teller, “Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla of yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?”
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, “Fluctuations.”
The Asian lady says, “Fluc you white people too.”
How to Get Arrested
This actually happened with some guys from Maine .
They dressed the truck up with the guy spread-eagled on the roof.
The driver and passengers put on Moose heads.
They went down the Maine interstate toll road, causing 16 accidents.
And yes…they went to jail. And yes…alcohol was involved.
Sniffer
A man had just Boarded and settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his Black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man.
The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.
The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and that the dog was a ‘sniffing dog’.
‘His name is Sniffer and he’s the best there is. I’ll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.’
The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the Policeman said, ‘Watch this.’
He told Sniffer to ‘search’.
Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.
Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman’s arm.
The Policeman said, ‘Good boy’, and he turned to the man and said, ‘That woman is in possession of marijuana, I’m making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.
‘Gee, that’s pretty good,’ replied the first man.
Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles.
The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent’s arm.
The Policeman said, ‘Two paws mean that man is carrying cocaine, so again, I’m making a note of his seat number for the police.’
‘I like it!’ said his seat mate.
The Policeman then told Sniffer to ‘search’ again.
Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to shit all over the place. The first man was really disgusted by this behavior and couldn’t figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that.
So he asked the Policeman, ‘What’s going on?’
The Policeman nervously replied, ‘He’s just found a bomb.’
Horse Races
A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
‘What was that for?’ the man asked.
The wife replied ‘That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket’.
The man then said ‘When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.
The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied: ‘Your Horse phoned!!!’
Medical News
Medical science has finally found the correct and most accurate way to measure blood pressure for men.
Christmas Shopping
A couple was Christmas shopping on Christmas Eve and the whole place was heaving, packed with other last minute shoppers. Walking through the shopping centre the surprised wife looked up from a window display and noticed her husband was nowhere to be seen. She knew they had lots still to do and she became very upset.
She rummaged in her handbag and found her mobile phoned then used it to call her husband to ask him where he was.
The husband in a calm voice replied: “Darling, you remember the jewellery shop we went into five years ago, where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that one day I would get it for you….?”
His wife’s eyes filled with tears of emotion, she began to cry softly and stifling a sob she whispered: “Yes, I remember that jewellery shop…”
“Well,” he said, “I’m in the pub next to it!”
Sperm Count
An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, ‘Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.’
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the do ctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, ‘Well, doc, it’s like this–first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
‘Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
‘She even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.’
The doctor was shocked! ‘You asked your neighbour?’
The old man replied, ‘Yep, none of us could get the jar open.’
Complete vs. Finished
It has been said that no English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. However, in a recent linguistic conference held in London , England , and attended by some of the best linguists in the world, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese, was the clear winner.
His final challenge was this: Some say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. Please explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand.
Here is his astute answer: “When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. But, when you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED. And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!”
His answer was received with a standing ovation lasting over 5 minutes and it entitled him to receive an invitation to dine with Queen, who decided to call him after the contest. He won a trip to travel around the world in style and a case of 25 year old Eldorado rum for his answer.
Strong Coffee
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband’s libido.
‘What about trying Viagra?’ asked the doctor.
‘Not a chance’, she said… ‘He won’t even take an aspirin.’
‘Not a problem,’ replied the doctor. ‘Give him an ‘Irish Viagra’…
‘What is Irish Viagra?’, she asked.
It’s when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won’t even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went..’
It was a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.
The poor dear exclaimed, ‘Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T’was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!’
‘Really? What happened?’ asked the doctor.
‘Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a smile on his face, a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arms, he sent me cups and saucers flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! T’was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!’
‘Why so terrible?’ asked the doctor, ‘Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn’t good?’
‘Freakin’ jaysus, it was the best sex I’ve had in 25 years! But sure as I’m sittin’ here, I’ll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again.
Matsumoto Castle, Japan
Went to Matsumoto castle today. This is a really cool castle because it lies in the heart of the city with a moat around it and from the castle you have a spectacular panoramic view of the city, the surrounding area, and the mountains. You can clearly understand why this location was chosen to put a castle. Another unique feature to this castle is that it has a moon room. This is where men would go to write poems to their women. This is one of my favorite castles because on the inside of this castle there is a hidden floor. This is where they would store gunpowder and goods like that. Also on the inside of this castle the staircases are at a low angle and not very steep, but the higher you go in the castle the steeper the stairs get and the further apart they become. This is to protect the dignitary from attack and make it more difficult for attackers to fight their way up each floor of the castle.
Nagano, Japan
Stayed at the Island Hotel (2-15-8 Minamichitose, Nagano, Nagano Prefecture 380-0823), Nagano today and snapped a couple of photos from the window of the hotel. Here is what Nagano looks like from that perspective.
A Pilot Father’s Tough Love
Since I’m a pilot, one method that I have found very effective is for me to just take the child for a short flight during which I say nothing and give the child the opportunity to reflect on his or her behavior.
I don’t know whether it’s the steady vibration from the engines, or just the time away from any distractions such as TV, video games, computer, iPod, etc.
Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our flight together. I believe that eye to eye contact during these sessions is an important element in achieving the desired results.
I’ve included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique.
Should work with grandkids also.
The Penis Poem by Willie Nelson
My nookie days are over,
My pilot light is out.
What used to be my sex appeal,
Is now my water spout.
Time was when, on its own accord,
From my trousers it would spring.
But now I’ve got a full time job,
To find the f***in’ thing.
It used to be embarrassing,
The way it would behave.
For every single morning,
It would stand and watch me shave.
Now as old age approaches,
It sure gives me the blues.
To see it hang its little head,
And watch me tie my shoes!!
Are You From Ireland?
I was in a pub last Saturday night, drank quite a few, and noticed two very large women by the bar. They both had pretty strong accents, so I asked, “Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland?”
One of them snapped back saying, “It’s WALES , you friggin’ idiot!”
So, I immediately apologized and said, “I’m sorry. Are you two whales from Ireland?”
That’s pretty much the last thing I remember…
Men
A man was granted two wishes by God, he asked for the best drink & the best woman ever. Next moment he got mineral water & Mother Teresa.
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There are 3 kinds of men in this world.
Some remain single and make wonders happen.
Some have girlfriends and see wonders happen.
Rest get married and wonder what happened!
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Wives are magicians. They can change anything into an argument.
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Why do women live a Better, Longer & Peaceful Life, as compared to men?
A very INTELLIGENT student replied: “Because Women don’t have a wife!”
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“Honey,” said this husband to his wife, “I invited a friend home for supper.”
“What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven’t been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don’t feel like cooking a fancy meal!”
“I know all that”
Then why did you invite a friend for supper?”, “Because the poor fool’s thinking about getting married.” …..”
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COOL MESSAGE BY A WIFE:
Dear Mother-in-law, Don’t teach me how to handle my children. I am living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement!?
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I WILL THINK ABOUT IT:
When a married man says, I’ll think about it – what he really means is that he doesn’t know his wife’s opinion yet.
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TALKING IN SLEEP
A lady says to her doctor: “My husband has a habit of talking in his sleep! What should I give him to cure it?”
The doctor replies: “Give the poor man an opportunity to speak when he’s awake!
Happy Halloween
This guy is from Michigan and usually competes on Food Network’s Halloween Challenges….and wins every time!
Retirement Occupation
As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to “make a difference” in the world. It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other “seniors” who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither.
Harold Schlumberg is such a person:
This is quoted from Harold:
“I’ve often been asked, ‘What do you do now that you’re retired?’ Well…I’m fortunate to have a chemical engineering background and one of the things I enjoy most is converting beer, wine and whisky into urine. It’s rewarding, uplifting, satisfying and fulfilling. I do it every day and I really enjoy it.”
Harold should be an inspiration to us all.
Never Under-estimate the Person Seated Next to You
A guy asked a girl in a university library: “Do you mind if I sit beside you?”
The girl replied with a loud voice: “I DON’T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!”
All the students in the library started staring at the guy; He was truly embarrassed.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy’s table and said:
“I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?”
The guy then responded with a loud voice: “$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT’S TOO MUCH!”
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The guy whispered in her ears: “I study law and I know how to make someone look guilty.”
Colin the Brave
A rich man living in Balwyn decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours.
He also invited Colin, the only aborigine in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters from the BBQ and flirting..
At the height of the party, the host said, ‘I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I’ll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in.’
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Colin in the pool fighting the croc, jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of stuff like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Colin and the croc were screaming and raising hell………… Finally Colin strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a dead goldfish.
Colin then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.
The host says, ‘Well, Colin, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.’
‘Nah, you all right boss, I don’t want it,’ said Colin.
The rich man said, ‘Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet.
How about half a million bucks then?’
‘No thanks…. I don’t want it,’ answered Colin.
The host said, ‘Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?
Again, Colin said “No.”
Confused, the rich man asked, ‘Well Colin, then what do you want?
Colin said, ‘I want the bastard who pushed me in.’
