A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.
‘I’m O. K. but I didn’t like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,’ he answered.
‘What did he say,’ asked the nurse.
‘Oops!’
Now I Believe in Religion
Moe: ‘My wife got me to believe in religion.’
Joe: ‘Really?’
Moe: ‘Yeah. Until I married her I didn’t believe in Hell.’
Golf Gun
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
‘How was he killed?’ asked one detective.
‘With a golf gun,’ the other detective replied.
‘A golf gun! What is a golf gun?’
‘I don’t know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.’
Flight Time
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, ‘Can you tell me how long it’ll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?’
The agent replies, ‘Just a minute.’
‘Thank you,’ the blonde says, and hangs up.
Redneck Murder
Two Reasons Why It’s So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.
Remove the Curse
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, ‘Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.’
The old man says without hesitation, ‘I now pronounce you man and wife.’
Emergency Room
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, ‘I don’t like the looks of your wife at all.’
‘Me neither, doc,’ said the husband. ‘But she’s a great cook and really good with the kids.’
Divorce Court
‘Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,’the divorce Court Judge said, ‘And I’ve decided to give your wife $775 a week.’
‘That’s very fair, your honor,’ the husband said. ‘And every now and then I’ll try to send her a few bucks myself.’
Intelligence
A little boy went up to his father and asked: ‘Dad, where did my intelligence come from?’
The father replied. ‘Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, ’cause I still have mine.’
Family Trends
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values.
Bill said, ‘I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?’
Larry replied, ‘I’m not sure, what was her maiden name?’
Big People Words
A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk! You need to use ‘Big People words,’ she was always reminding them.
She asked John what he had done over the weekend?
‘I went to visit my Nana.’
‘No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use ‘Big People’ words!’
She then asked Mitchell what he had done ‘I took a ride on a choo-choo.’
She said. ‘No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use ‘Big People’ words.’
She then asked little Alex what he had done? ‘I read a book,’ he replied.
That’s WONDERFUL!’ the teacher said. ‘What book did you read?’
Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride and said: “Winnie the Shit.”
Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scotland UK:
1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.
2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.
3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!
4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING.
5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.
6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.
7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU.
8. DON’T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.
9. QUIET PLEASE…WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.
10. DON’T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.
WELL DONE..NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF.
Thirsty Taliban
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties.
The Taliban asked, “Do you have water?”
The Jewish man replied, “I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.”
The Taliban shouted, “Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!”
“OK,” said the old Jewish man, “It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom.”
Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead & said, “Your fucking brother won’t let me in without a tie!”
Proof That The World Is Nuts
In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense!)
In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman’s genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
(Do they look different in reverse?)
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
(A brick?)
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
(Much worse than “going blind!”)
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins,who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time. Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let’s just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. No golf clubs….I hear a 3 iron works well. The husband’s illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
(Ah! Justice!)
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England – but only in tropical fish stores.
(But of course!)
In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, hermother must be in the room to witness the act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought!)
In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.
(Is this a great country or what?)
(Well, not as great as Guam!)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Who volunteers for these tests?)
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of? Did our government pay for this research?)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Ah, geez.)
An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
Starfish don’t have brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)
Turtles can breathe through their butts.
(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)
Photo of a Wife
The old man goes to answer a knock at the door one evening only to find two sherrif deputy’s standing there.
“Sir, are you married?” One deputy asked.
“Why yes,” the old man replied “for 48 years.”
“Do you have a photograph of your wife sir?” the second deputy questioned.
The old man pulled a picture out his wallet and handed to the officers. They looked it over and handed it back to him.
“Sir, I’m sorry but it looks like your wife has been hit by a truck.”
The old man says, “I know son, but she’s got a wonderful personality and she’s a great cook.”
Bar Scene
I was standing at the bar and this Chinese guy comes in and stands next to me….I said to him, “Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu?”
He says “No, why the fluck you ask me dat, is it coz I Chinee”?
“No”, I said…. “It’s because you’re drinking my fucking beer you slant eyed little prick.”
Red Cross
The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we’d love to, but our garden hose only reaches to the driveway.
New Clothing Shop
There’s a new Muslim clothing shop that opened in our shopping center, but they threw me out after I asked if I could look at some of the bomber jackets.
Apple Scrapped Their Plans for a New Product
I’ve heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children’s-oriented iPod after realizing that “iTouch Kids” is not a good product name.
Prepare for the Worst
My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I went down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.
Talking Behind My Back
A wife says to her husband “You’re always pushing me around and talking behind my back.”
And he says “What do you expect? You’re in a wheelchair!”
Stalker
My girlfriend says she thinks that I might be a stalker. Well…she’s not exactly my girlfriend yet.
My Wife is Dead
A man calls 911 and says “I think my wife is dead”.
The operator says, “How do you know?”
He says “The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!”
Little Johnny Doesn’t Need Anything
A teacher goes around her class asking each of the kids what do they need at home.
1st kid says “A computer”.
Teacher replies “That’d be very useful.”
2nd kid says “a new lawn mower” and gets a similar response.
Little Johnny pops up and says ” At my house we don’t need nothin.”
The teacher asks him to think again carefully as everybody needs something.
Little Johnny replies, “no I’m sure.”
“When my sister started going out with a Muslim, I remember my dad saying,
“Well, that’s the last damned thing we need.”