Rode the train to the Kamakura station to get a first hand look at the Great Buddha or Daibutsu in Japanese. This buddha was made out of bronze and you can go inside of it which is a pretty neat experience. Once inside if you touch the bronze that the sun is beating down on it is hot to the touch, but if you touch the side that is away from the sun it is cold to the touch. This buddha was created in 1252 and stands approximately 13.35 meters tall.
Great Buddha (Daibutsu)
Honest Advertising
BMW’s campaign for their factory approved “pre-owned” cars.
Costume Party
A couple was invited to a swanky costume party. The Mrs. got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, decided to go the party.
Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished ,naturally, since he was her husband.
Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed. So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had. He said: “Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you’re not there.”
“Did you dance much ?”
“I’ll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you’re not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to….”
Nymphomaniac Convention
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane..He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat .. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”
She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston.”
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs. Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your business role at this convention?”
“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”
“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”
“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. “I’m sorry,” she said, “I shouldn’t really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name..”
“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba.”
Will I Live to See 80?
I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing ‘fairly well for my age. (Now over 65.)
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn’t resist asking him, ‘Do you think I’ll live to be 80?’
He asked, ‘Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?’
‘Oh no,’ I replied.. ‘I’m not doing drugs, either!’
Then he asked, ‘Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?
‘I said, ‘Not much…. my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!’
‘Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or flying?’
‘No, I don’t,’ I said.
He asked, ‘Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?’
‘No,’ I said.
He looked at me and said,… Then why do you even give a shit?
An Airline With a Sense of Humor
Kulula is a low-cost South-African airline that doesn’t take itself too seriously. Check out their new livery!
Kulula is an Airline with head office situated in Johannesburg .
Kulula airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight “safety lecture” and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— —
On a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, “People, people we’re not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!”
—o0o—
On another flight with a very “senior” flight attendant crew, the pilot said, “Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.”
—-o0o—
On landing, the stewardess said, “Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you’re going to leave anything, please make sure it’s something we’d like to have.”
—-o0o—
“There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane.”
—o0o—
“Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.”
—o0o—
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Durban Airport , a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: “Whoa, big fella. WHOA!”
—o0o—
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in the Karoo , a flight attendant on a flight announced, “Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted.”
—o0o—
From a Kulula employee: ” Welcome aboard Kulula 271 to Port Elizabeth. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised.”
—o0o—
“In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favourite.”
—o0o—
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Kulula Airlines.”
—-o0o—
“Your seats cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.”
—o0o—
“As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses..”
—o0o—
And from the pilot during his welcome message: “Kulula Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!”
—o0o—
On Kulula flight 255 just after a very hard landing in Cape Town, the flight attendant came on the intercom and said, “That was quite a bump and I know what y’all are thinking. I’m here to tell you it wasn’t the airline’s fault, it wasn’t the pilot’s fault, it wasn’t the flight attendant’s fault. It was the asphalt.”
—o0o—
On a Kulula flight into Cape Town on a particularly windy and bumpy day, during the final approach the Captain really had to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what’s left of our airplane to the gate!”
—o0o—
Another flight attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing: “We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.”
—o0o—
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a “Thanks for flying our airline.” He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, “Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?” “Why, no Ma’am,” said the pilot. “What is it?” The little old lady said, “Did we land, or were we shot down?”
—o0o—
After a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg , the attendant came on with, “Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal..”
—o0o—
Part of a flight attendant’s arrival announcement: “We’d like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think of Kulula Airways.”
—o0o—
Heard on a Kulula flight: “Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing. If you can light ’em, you can smoke ’em.”
Questions to Ponder
Can you cry under water?
_____
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
_____
Why do you have to “put your two cents in”…. but it’s only a “penny for your thoughts”? Where’s that extra penny going to?
_____
Once you’re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
_____
Why does a round pizza come in a square box ?
_____
What disease did cured ham actually have?
_____
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
_____
Why is it that people say they “slept like a baby ” when babies wake up like every two hours?
_____
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
_____
Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV?
_____
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
_____
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They’re going to see you naked anyway..
_____
Why is “bra” singular and “panties” plural?
_____
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
_____
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
_____
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?
_____
If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?
_____
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs!
_____
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
_____
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
_____
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
_____
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
_____
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
_____
Why do they call it an asteroid when it’s outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it’s in your ass?
_____
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
SlamFest
I got a ticket to go to the SlamFest that is being held on Camp Zama, Japan. This is like the Japanese WWE wrestling. It was a cool event that was put on for the United States and Japanese military and their families. It was a lot of fun and had some (quite literally) big stars. After the event they were signing autographs and shaking hands. It was definitely a really cool event and here are my photos of this experience.
Best Toast
John Murphy hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!”
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the Best toast of the night.”
She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?” John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.”
“Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, “John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.”
She said, “Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he’s only been in there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.”
Technical Support
This is India. It’s where you call when you have a technical problem with your computer.
How to Get Permission to Play Golf
During the 4th hole the following conversations took place:
First Guy :
You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend… I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.
Second Guy :
That’s nothing; I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool.
Third Guy :
Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her. They continue to play the hole when they realised that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him : ‘You haven’t said anything about what you had to do to come golfing this weekend. What’s the deal?’
Fourth guy :
I just set my alarm for 5 am. When it went off, I gave the wife a slap on her ass and said: ‘Golf course or intercourse? ‘ She said: ‘ make sure you wear sun-block.”
Ask Dad
“Mom? I’ve got a questions. The guys at school are using words I don’t understand.”
“What words, dear?”
“Pussy and Bitch.”
Mon inhaled sharply, buth then said: “Oh, that’s easy. A pussy is a cat, like our litle Fluffy. A bitch is a female dog, like our Sandy.”
He then found his Dad out in the garage.
“Dad, the guys at school are using words I don’t understand.”
“What words, son?”
“Pussy and bitch. I asked Mom, but I don’t think she told me the right meanings.”
Dad said: “Son, never ask your mother about these things, as me instead. Let me explain it like this.”
He pulled a Playboy from his workbench, turned to the centerfold, drew a circle around the pubic area and said: “Son, everything inside the circle is pussy.”
“Okay, Dad. Then what’s a bitch?”
Dad replied: “Everything outside the circle.”
For Those Who Don’t Like Heights
Formerly — the Sears Tower
Not content with having the tallest building in America , the owners of Willis Tower in Chicago have installed four glass box viewing platforms which stick out of the building 103 floors up.
The balconies are suspended 1,353 feet in the air and jut out four feet from the building’s Skydeck. They are 4x10x10, made of solid glass, floor included…
Visitors get their first view from The Ledge — four glass balconies suspended from the Tower.
Designers say the platforms – collectively dubbed The Ledge – have been purposely created to make visitors feel as they are floating above the city. The reward is unobstructed views of Chicago from the building’s west side and a heart-stopping (well, duh!) vista of the street and Chicago River below – for those brave enough to look straight down. It’s like walking on ice.
John Huston, one of the owners of the Willis Tower, even admitted to getting ‘a little queasy’ when he ventured out on to the balcony. However, after 30 or 40 trips, he seems to have gotten used to it.
Long way up: Even the floor of the platforms are glass – few are brave enough to look straight down. Although some adults felt dizzy after experiencing The Ledge, children seemed to take it in their stride.
Fearless: Five-year-old Anna Kane spreads out on the floor of the 10ft square box which is 1,353 ft up.
Thrill seekers: The boxes jut out four feet from the building and were specifically designed to attract visitors. The Willis Tower has always been about superlatives – tallest, largest, most iconic.
The Ledge is the world’s most awesome view, the world’s most precipitous view, the view with the most wow in the world. The balconies are 10ft high and 10ft wide, can hold five tons, and have glass which is 1.5 inch thick.
Inspiration came from the hundreds of forehead prints visitors left behind on The Skydeck windows every week. Now, staff have a new glass surface to clean: floors!
Architect Ross Wimer said: ‘We did studies that showed a 4′ X 4′ deep enclosure makes you feel like you’re detached from the building particularly since there’s only room for one row of people.’
The Ledge is accessible from The Skydeck which attracts 25,000 visitors on clear days. They each pay $15 to take an elevator ride up to the 103rd floor of the 110-story office building that opened in 1973.
After seeing this I think I will sit in my sturdy, favorite chair.
Banana Split
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, ‘Crushed nuts?’
‘No,’ he replied, ‘Arthritis.’
An 82 Year-old Man
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, ‘You’re really doing great, aren’t you?’
Morris replied, ‘Just doing what you said, Doc: ‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.”
The doctor said, ‘I didn’t say that.. I said, ‘You’ve got a heart murmur; be careful.’
Three Old Guys
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, ‘Windy, isn’t it?’
Second one says, ‘No, it’s Thursday!’
Third one says, ‘So am I. Let’s go get a beer..’
A Senior Citizen
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
‘So I hear you’re getting married?’
‘Yep!’
‘Do I know her?’
‘Nope!’
‘This woman, is she good looking?’
‘Not really.’
‘Is she a good cook?’
‘Naw, she can’t cook too well.’
‘Does she have lots of money?’
‘Nope! Poor as a church mouse.’
‘Well, then, is she good in bed?’
‘I don’t know.’
‘Why in the world do you want to marry her then?’
‘Because she can still drive!’
Couple in Their Nineties
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they’re physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. ‘Want anything while I’m in the kitchen?’ he asks.
‘Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?’
‘Sure..’
‘Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?’ she asks.
‘No, I can remember it.’
‘Well, I’d like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so not to forget it?’
He says, ‘I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.’
‘I’d also like whipped cream. I’m certain you’ll forget that, write it down?’ she asks.
Irritated, he says, ‘I don’t need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream – I got it, for goodness sake!’
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.
‘Where’s my toast?’
Hospital Regulations
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn’t need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
‘I don’t know,’ he said. ‘She’s still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.’
Nippon Maru Maritime Training Ship
Took the train over to the Sakura-gicho train station in Yokohama today to wander around and see what sights were to be seen. While there I boarded the Nippon Maru maritime training ship that is permanently docked in Yokohama and now used as a museum.
Two Elderly Gentlemen
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: ‘Slim, I’m 83 years old now and I’m just full of aches and pains. I know you’re about my age. How do you feel?’
Slim says, ‘I feel just like a newborn baby.’
‘Really!? Like a newborn baby!?’
‘Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.’
Garage Door
The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open.. His assistant walked up to him and said, ‘This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?’ The boss told her he knew he’d closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.
As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant’s question about his ‘garage door.’
He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, ‘When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?’
She smiled and said, ‘No, I didn’t. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires.
Fuji Television Building
Passed by the Fuji Television building today in Odaiba, which is a part of, Tokyo, Japan. This is a landmark building because of it’s unique design. You can spot this building from all around Tokyo.