Best Toast

John Murphy hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!”
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the Best toast of the night.”

She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?” John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.”
“Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, “John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.”
She said, “Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he’s only been in there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.”

Metallica Concert at the Saitama Super Arean, Japan


Took a 90 minute train ride to go to the Saitama Super Arena in Saitama, Japan to watch a Metallica concert. This concert was awesome, however getting tickets for the event wasn’t exactly easy. Here is a part of my experience.

Beware of Bears Near Fort Steele, Canada

Got a Pencil?

Denny’s Pub in Germany

Technical Support

This is India. It’s where you call when you have a technical problem with your computer.

How to Get Permission to Play Golf

During the 4th hole the following conversations took place:

First Guy :
You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend… I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.

Second Guy :
That’s nothing; I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool.

Third Guy :
Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her. They continue to play the hole when they realised that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him : ‘You haven’t said anything about what you had to do to come golfing this weekend. What’s the deal?’

Fourth guy :
I just set my alarm for 5 am. When it went off, I gave the wife a slap on her ass and said: ‘Golf course or intercourse? ‘ She said: ‘ make sure you wear sun-block.”

Ask Dad

“Mom? I’ve got a questions. The guys at school are using words I don’t understand.”

“What words, dear?”

“Pussy and Bitch.”

Mon inhaled sharply, buth then said: “Oh, that’s easy. A pussy is a cat, like our litle Fluffy. A bitch is a female dog, like our Sandy.”

He then found his Dad out in the garage.

“Dad, the guys at school are using words I don’t understand.”

“What words, son?”

“Pussy and bitch. I asked Mom, but I don’t think she told me the right meanings.”

Dad said: “Son, never ask your mother about these things, as me instead. Let me explain it like this.”

He pulled a Playboy from his workbench, turned to the centerfold, drew a circle around the pubic area and said: “Son, everything inside the circle is pussy.”

“Okay, Dad. Then what’s a bitch?”

Dad replied: “Everything outside the circle.”

For Those Who Don’t Like Heights

Formerly — the Sears Tower

Not content with having the tallest building in America , the owners of Willis Tower in Chicago have installed four glass box viewing platforms which stick out of the building 103 floors up.

The balconies are suspended 1,353 feet in the air and jut out four feet from the building’s Skydeck. They are 4x10x10, made of solid glass, floor included…

Visitors get their first view from The Ledge — four glass balconies suspended from the Tower.

Designers say the platforms – collectively dubbed The Ledge – have been purposely created to make visitors feel as they are floating above the city. The reward is unobstructed views of Chicago from the building’s west side and a heart-stopping (well, duh!) vista of the street and Chicago River below – for those brave enough to look straight down. It’s like walking on ice.

John Huston, one of the owners of the Willis Tower, even admitted to getting ‘a little queasy’ when he ventured out on to the balcony. However, after 30 or 40 trips, he seems to have gotten used to it.

Long way up: Even the floor of the platforms are glass – few are brave enough to look straight down. Although some adults felt dizzy after experiencing The Ledge, children seemed to take it in their stride.

Fearless: Five-year-old Anna Kane spreads out on the floor of the 10ft square box which is 1,353 ft up.

Thrill seekers: The boxes jut out four feet from the building and were specifically designed to attract visitors. The Willis Tower has always been about superlatives – tallest, largest, most iconic.

The Ledge is the world’s most awesome view, the world’s most precipitous view, the view with the most wow in the world. The balconies are 10ft high and 10ft wide, can hold five tons, and have glass which is 1.5 inch thick.

Inspiration came from the hundreds of forehead prints visitors left behind on The Skydeck windows every week. Now, staff have a new glass surface to clean: floors!

Architect Ross Wimer said: ‘We did studies that showed a 4′ X 4′ deep enclosure makes you feel like you’re detached from the building particularly since there’s only room for one row of people.’

The Ledge is accessible from The Skydeck which attracts 25,000 visitors on clear days. They each pay $15 to take an elevator ride up to the 103rd floor of the 110-story office building that opened in 1973.

After seeing this I think I will sit in my sturdy, favorite chair.

Senior Citizens Stylish Clothes

Banana Split

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, ‘Crushed nuts?’

‘No,’ he replied, ‘Arthritis.’

An 82 Year-old Man

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, ‘You’re really doing great, aren’t you?’

Morris replied, ‘Just doing what you said, Doc: ‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.”

The doctor said, ‘I didn’t say that.. I said, ‘You’ve got a heart murmur; be careful.’

Three Old Guys

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, ‘Windy, isn’t it?’
Second one says, ‘No, it’s Thursday!’
Third one says, ‘So am I. Let’s go get a beer..’

A Senior Citizen

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
‘So I hear you’re getting married?’
‘Yep!’
‘Do I know her?’
‘Nope!’
‘This woman, is she good looking?’
‘Not really.’
‘Is she a good cook?’
‘Naw, she can’t cook too well.’
‘Does she have lots of money?’
‘Nope! Poor as a church mouse.’
‘Well, then, is she good in bed?’
‘I don’t know.’
‘Why in the world do you want to marry her then?’
‘Because she can still drive!’

Couple in Their Nineties

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they’re physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. ‘Want anything while I’m in the kitchen?’ he asks.
‘Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?’

‘Sure..’
‘Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?’ she asks.

‘No, I can remember it.’

‘Well, I’d like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so not to forget it?’

He says, ‘I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.’

‘I’d also like whipped cream. I’m certain you’ll forget that, write it down?’ she asks.

Irritated, he says, ‘I don’t need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream – I got it, for goodness sake!’
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.

‘Where’s my toast?’

Hospital Regulations

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn’t need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

‘I don’t know,’ he said. ‘She’s still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.’

Nippon Maru Maritime Training Ship


Took the train over to the Sakura-gicho train station in Yokohama today to wander around and see what sights were to be seen. While there I boarded the Nippon Maru maritime training ship that is permanently docked in Yokohama and now used as a museum.

Two Elderly Gentlemen

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: ‘Slim, I’m 83 years old now and I’m just full of aches and pains. I know you’re about my age. How do you feel?’

Slim says, ‘I feel just like a newborn baby.’

‘Really!? Like a newborn baby!?’

‘Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.’

Garage Door

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open.. His assistant walked up to him and said, ‘This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?’ The boss told her he knew he’d closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant’s question about his ‘garage door.’

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, ‘When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?’
She smiled and said, ‘No, I didn’t. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires.

Fuji Television Building


Passed by the Fuji Television building today in Odaiba, which is a part of, Tokyo, Japan. This is a landmark building because of it’s unique design. You can spot this building from all around Tokyo.

Driving by Tokyo Tower


Drove through Tokyo today and snapped these photos of Tokyo Tower. It’s so weird seeing a big tower that looks like the Eiffel Tower in the middle of one of the most populated cities in the world.

Sakura-gicho, Yokohama, Japan

Visiting Sakura-gicho in Yokohama, Japan, offers a delightful mix of modern attractions and scenic beauty. Located on the shores of Tokyo Bay, this vibrant area is a favorite destination for both locals and tourists. The area is a harmonious blend of contemporary architecture, shopping, entertainment, and historical landmarks, providing a variety of activities for everyone.

One of the standout attractions is Landmark Tower, one of the tallest buildings in Japan. The tower offers breathtaking views of the city and Tokyo Bay from its observation deck, Sky Garden, located on the 69th floor. On clear days, you can even see Mount Fuji in the distance. The tower also houses a hotel, offices, and numerous shops and restaurants, making it a hub of activity.

Another popular spot is the Cup Noodles Museum, an interactive and engaging place where visitors can learn about the history of instant ramen and even create their own custom cup noodles. It’s a fun and educational experience for all ages, allowing a hands-on look at one of Japan’s most famous culinary inventions.

For those looking to shop, eat, and relax, there are plenty of stores and eateries around the area. Queen’s Square Yokohama, located near Landmark Tower, is a large shopping and dining complex that offers a wide variety of options. From high-end fashion boutiques to casual cafes, there’s something for everyone.

If you’re seeking some thrills, head to Cosmo World, a small amusement park featuring the iconic Cosmo Clock 21 Ferris wheel. This giant Ferris wheel not only offers fantastic views but also has colorful LED lights that create a stunning display at night. The park has a variety of rides and games, making it a fun stop for families and couples alike.

Sakura-gicho is also a popular dating spot for young Japanese couples. The picturesque waterfront, coupled with the numerous attractions and cozy cafes, creates a romantic atmosphere. Strolling along the waterfront promenade, enjoying the evening lights, or taking a boat cruise around the bay are all popular date activities.

Overall, Sakura-gicho in Yokohama is a lively and charming destination that captures the essence of urban Japan while providing a serene escape with its beautiful bay views and diverse attractions. Whether you’re there for the views, the food, the shopping, or the fun, this area has something to offer everyone.

Seniors

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, “How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?”

“Well,” he said, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub”.

“Oh, I understand,” I said. “A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup.”

“No” he said. “A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?”

Not the Sharpest Tools in the Shed

When Grandma Goes To Court

A Jack Daniels Fishing Story

I went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bait.

Knowing the snake couldn’t bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. There was that same snake with two more frogs in his mouth.

Turtle Burgers

Here’s a new twist on how to serve burgers and if you don’t cook, give this handy little guide to someone that does and request them.

Handmade ground beef patties, topped with sharp cheddar cheese, wrapped in a bacon weave, then the next step, add hotdogs as the heads, legs with slits for toes and tail.

Next step. Place on an oven rack, covered loosely with foil and baked for 20-30 minutes at 400 degrees. A little crispy, not too crunchy…just how a turtle should be, no?

Miss Bea & Her Condom

Miss Bea was in her eighties, and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring, and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea.

As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom.

Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity! Surely Miss Bea had flipped or something… ! But he certainly couldn’t mention the strange sight in her parlor.

When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer.

“Miss Bea,” he said, pointing to the bowl, “I wonder if you would tell me about this?”

“Oh, yes,” she replied, “isn’t it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package. It said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know… I haven’t had a cold all winter!”

How HOT is it This Summer?

Police Quotes

These are actual comments made by 16 police officers. The comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country.

1. “You know, stop lights don’t come any redder than the one you just went through.”
2. “Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch after you wear them a while.”
3. “If you take your hands off the car, I’ll make your birth certificate a worthless document.”
4. “If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”
5. “Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that’s the speed of the bullet that’ll be chasing you.”
6. “You don’t know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?”
7. “Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I’m the shift supervisor?”
8. “Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.”
9. “The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. WasMickey Mouse a cat or a dog?”
10. “Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.”
11. “Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”
12. “In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC.”
13. “Just how big were those ‘two beers’ you say you had?”
14. “No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we can.”
15. “I’m glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.”
16. “You didn’t think we give pretty women tickets? You’re right, we don’t.. Sign here.”

Top Four Adult Jokes of 2009

Fourth Place:

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,
his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, ‘Ma’am, if your heart is as soft as your breast,
I know you’ll forgive me.’
She replies, ‘If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I’m in room 221..’

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Third Place :

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife’s arm.

The wife turns over and says ‘I’m sorry honey, I’ve got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.’

The husband, rejected, turns over.

A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.

‘Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?’

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Runner Up:

Bill worked in a pickle factory.
He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day
to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed.  He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

‘What’s wrong, Bill?’ she asked.

‘Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?’

‘Oh, Bill, you didn’t’ she exclaimed.

‘Yes, I did.’ he replied.

‘My God, Bill, what happened?’

‘I got fired.’

‘No, Bill. ¬†I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?’

‘Oh…she got fired too.’

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Winner:

A couple had been married for 50 years.

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, ‘Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.’

‘I know,’ the old man said. ¬†’We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago..’

‘Well,’ Granny snickered. ¬†’Let’s relive some old times..’

Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

‘You know, honey,’ the little old lady breathlessly replied, ‘My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.’

‘I wouldn’t be surprised,’ replied Gramps. ¬† ‘One’s in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal