Government surveyors came to Ole’s farm in the fall and asked if they could do some surveying. Ole agreed and Lena even served them a nice meal at noon time. The next spring, the two surveyors stopped by and told Ole, “Because you were so kind to us, we wanted to give you this bad news in person instead of by letter.” Ole replied, “What’s the bad news?” The surveyors stated, “Well, after our work we discovered your farm is not in Minnesota, but is actually in South Dakota!” Ole looked at Lena and said, “That’s the best news I have heard in a long time, why I just told Lena this morning, I don’t think I can take another winter in Minnesota.”
The Woman Marine Pilot
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left. “Janie, do you have a story to share?’
”Yes ma’am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn’t break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke,
and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.
”Good Heavens,’ said the horrified teacher.
‘What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?
“Stay away from Mommy when she’s been drinking.”
Banyan Town Restaurant
Today I went and ate at the Banyan tree restaurant in the city of Naha in Okinawa prefecture of Japan. It was a nice novelty restaurant to eat at because the whole setting is like you up in a big treehouse. It’s pretty neat and it gives you some interesting views of the city. Here are some of the photos I took.
The Polish Divorce
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well. One day he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete.
I don’t think you understand.
Does either of you have a real grudge?
No, we have carport, and not need one.
I mean what are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland .
Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her..
Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white.
Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.
What makes you think that?
I got proof.
What kind of proof?
She going to poison me.
She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom.
I can read… it say: ~~~Polish Remover~~~
Passports
Dear Sirs,
I’m in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this. How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a cable t.v. from them back in 1987, and yet the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date.
For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand? My birth date you have on my social security card, and it is on all the income tax forms I’ve filed for the past 30 years. It is on my health insurance card, my driver’s license, on the last eight damn passports I’ve had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I’ve had to fill out before being allowed off the plane over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done at election times.
Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother’s name is Maryanne, my father’s name is Robert and I’d be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when I die!!!!!!
I apologize, I’m really pissed off this morning. Between you an’ me, I’ve had enough of this bullshit! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my address?
What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthal asses working there! Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don’t want to dig up Yasser Arafat, I just want to go and park my ass on a sandy beach. And would someone please tell me, why would you care whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I’d sure as hell not want to tell anyone!
Well, I have to go now, ’cause I have to go to the other end of the city and get another copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of $60. Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day?? Nooooo, that’d be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You’d rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some idiot to confirm that it’s really me on the damn picture – you know, the one where we’re not allowed to smile?! (bureaucratic morons) Hey, you know why we can’t smile? We’re totally pissed off!
Signed – An Irate Citizen.
P.S.. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it’s me? Well, my family has been in this country since 1776……..I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had security clearances up the yingyang……….However, I have to get someone ‘important’ to verify who I am – you know, someone like my doctor WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN INDIA!
Sincerely,
You Sure In Hell Should Know Who I Am…………………..And you want to run our health care system?!?
Globalization
Question:
What is the true definition of Globalisation?
Answer:
Princess Diana’s death.
Question:
How come?
Answer:
An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, riding in a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scotch whisky, (produced in Scotland) followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles, treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines.
This is sent to you by a New Zealander, using American Bill Gates’ technology, and you’re probably reading this on your computer, that uses Taiwanese chips, and a Korean monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by Indian truck drivers, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Samoan watersiders, and trucked to you by Afghani illegals……That my friends, is Globalization!
Zen Teachings
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow.. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.
2. Sex is like air. It’s not that important unless you aren’t getting any.
3. No one is listening until you fart.
4. Always remember you’re unique. Just like everyone else.
5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
6. If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
7. Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticise them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
8.. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
10. If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.
11. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.
12. Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.
13. Don’t worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
14. Good judgment comes from bad experience … and most of that comes from bad judgment.
15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.
17. Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.
18. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our arse – then things just keep getting worse.
20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Topsy Turvy
I bought one of those Topsy Turvy’s like what you see on T.V. It looked like an interesting design and I wanted to see how well it worked. I planted some tomatoes in it and kept it watered very nicely. The cool thing about this design is that you are taking the dirt out of the ground and putting it above ground so the sun can keep it warm in order to allow the plant to grow nicely. The other nice thing is that you can’t over water this. If you over water it, the water just drips right out the bottom. The concept of this is really good because when you think about what some of the biggest polluters on the planet are it is shipping plants and vegetables from the country to the city. This is doing two things. 1. It is cutting down on pollution because you no longer need to ship to the city. 2. It is good for the planet by converting carbon dioxide into oxygen. By having vertical farms like this you are maximizing efficiency of places where you can grow.
This first photo is taken from June 26th, 2010.
These two photos were taken from July 1st, 2010.
A couple of downsides to the Topsy Turvy is that the tarp cloth construction of it rots out over time. This isn’t a prolonged solution. Also, after 1 year the dirt inside become really hard, so you need to periodically change the dirty. I would say that if you use it for just one year it is a good thing, but you probably won’t be able to get a prolonged usage out of it. Nice concept, nice design, construction needs some improvement if you want any type of long term solution.
Web Hosting Provider
Looking for a company that is reliable and cheap to host your website? Check out Dreamhost.com and if they look like they have exactly what you need, Click Here to sign up.
Walking Eagle
President Barack Obama was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation two weeks ago in upstate New York.
He spoke for almost an hour about his plans for increasing every Native American’s present standard of living. He referred to his time as a U.S. Senator and how he had voted for every Native American issue that came to the floor of the Senate. Although President Obama was vague about the details of his plans, he seemed most enthusiastic and spoke eloquently about his ideas for helping his‚”red sisters and brothers.” At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribes presented Obama with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name, “Walking Eagle.” The proud President then departed in his motorcade to a fundraiser, waving to the crowds. A news reporter later asked the group of chiefs how they came to select the new name they had given to the President. They explained that‚”Walking Eagle” is the name given to a bird so full of shit it can no longer fly.
Gary Coleman’s Casket
It even has his name on it!
Ads That Just Don’t Work Anymore
Brace yourself — the copy reads: Though she was a tiger lady, our hero didn’t have to fire a shot to floor her. After one look at his Mr. Leggs slacks, she was ready to have him walk all over her. That noble styling sure soothes the savage heart! If you’d like your own doll-to-doll carpeting, hunt up a pair of these he-man Mr. Leggs slacks. Such as our new automatic wash wear blend of 65% “Dacron” and 35% rayon-incomparably wrinkle-resistant. About $12.95 at plush-carpeted stores.
Part of it reads, “A GIFT OF PLEASURE My ____est — the spirit of Christmas-giving” Â is ______ in the land. A gift that represents that spirit, and brings pleasure to everyone, both great and small, is more ___________. Such a gift, my friends, is LUCKY STRIKE. “Santa Claus.”
Reads, “How soon is too soon? Not soon enough. Laboratory tests over the last few years have proven that babies who start drinking soda during the early formative period have a much higher chance of gaining acceptance and “fitting in” during those awkward pre-teen and teen years. So, do yourself a favor. Do your child a favor. Start them on a strict regimen of sodas and sugary carbonated beverages right now, for a lifetime of guaranteed happiness.”
Read the bottom line above….apparently we have a “T” zone. Why wasn’t this taught in health class?
Some excerpts from the ad above: It says- “this young man is 11 months old- and he isn’t our youngest customer by any means. For 7-Up is so pure, so wholesome, you can even give it to babies and feel good about it.
-By the way, Mom, when it comes to toddlers- if they like to be coaxed to drink their milk, try this: Add 7-Up to the milk in equal parts, pouring the 7-Up gently into the milk. It’s a wholesome combination- and it works!
Media at its Best
A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Washington , DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion’s cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her under the eyes of her screaming parents.
The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.
Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A reporter has watched the whole event.
The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, ‘Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I’ve seen a man do in my whole life.’
The Harley rider replies, ‘Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.’
The reporter says, ‘Well, I’ll make sure this won’t go unnoticed. I’m a journalist, you know, and tomorrow’s paper will have this story on the front page…So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?’
The biker replies, ‘I’m a U.S. Marine and a Republican .’
The journalist leaves.
The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:
——————————————————————–
U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH
——————————————————————–
That pretty much sums up the media’s approach to the news these days.
New Army “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” Uniform
Designed by Hans Wilkie…
Company Names
All of these are legitimate companies, who apparently didn’t spend quite enough time considering how their online name might appear.
These are not made up. While several have since been changed, incredibly some of the sites are still up and running under these URL’s. Check them out yourself!
1. ‘Who Represents’ is where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity. Their Web site is:
www.whorepresents.com
2. ‘Experts Exchange’ is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at:
www.expertsexchange.com
3. Looking for a great pen? Look no further than ‘Pen Island.’ It can be found at:
www.penisland.net
4. Need a therapist? Try ‘Therapist Finder’ at:
www.therapistfinder.com
5. Then there’s the ‘Italian Power Generator’ company. Check it out at:
www.powergenitalia.com
6.’IP computer’ software, there’s always:
www.ipanywhere.com
7. And the designers at ‘Speed of Art’ await you at their wacky Web site:
www.speedofart.com
Teachers & Cops:
These are actual comments made on students’ report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded
1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
6. The student has a ‘full six-pack’ but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
7. This child has been working with glue too much.
8. When your daughter’s IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming..
10. If this student were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.
11. It’s impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.
12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.
These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers. The comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:
1. “You know, stop lights don’t come any redder than the one you just went through.”
2. “Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch after you wear them a while.”
3. “If you take your hands off the car, I’ll make your birth certificate a worthless document.”
4. “If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”
5. “Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that’s the speed of the bullet that’ll be chasing you.”
6. “You don’t know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?”
7. “Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I’m the shift supervisor?”
8. “Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.”
9. “The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?”
10. “Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.”
11. “Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”
12. “In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC.” (National Crime Information Center)
13. “Just how big were those ‘two beers’ you say you had?”
14. “No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we can.”
15. “I’m glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.”
AND THE WINNER IS….
16. “You didn’t think we give pretty women tickets? You’re right, we don’t.. Sign here.”
Things We Should Probably Know, But Don’t
1. Money isn’t made out of paper, it’s made out of cotton.
2. The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp (marijuana) paper.
3. The dot over the letter i is called a ‘tittle’.
4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.
5. Susan Lucci is the daughter of Phyllis Diller.
6. 40% of McDonald’s profit come from the sales of Happy Meals.
7. 315 entries in Webster’s 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.
8. The ‘spot’ on 7UP comes from its inventor, who had red eyes. He was albino.
9. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents, daily.
10. Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and sister.
11. Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing the shark’s stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.
12. Most lipstick contains fish scales.
13. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn’t wear pants.
14. Ketchup was sold in the 1830’s as a medicine.
15. Upper and lower-case letters are named ‘upper’ because in the time when all original print had to be set in letters, the ‘upper case’ letters were stored in the case on top of the case that stored the smaller, ‘lower case’ letters.
16. Leonardo Da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time.
17. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.
18. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos..
19. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan; there was never a recorded Wendy before!
20. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: orange, purple, or silver.
21. Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa’s lips.
22. A tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion will make it instantly go mad and sting itself to death.
23. The mask used by Michael Myers in the original ‘Halloween’ was a Captain Kirk mask painted white.
24. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar.
25. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can’t sink in quicksand.
26. The phrase ‘rule of thumb’ is derived from an old English law, which stated that you couldn’t beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.
27. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was the Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.
28. Celery has negative calories! It takes more calories to digest a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with. It’s the same with apples.
29. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.
30. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.
31. The “Guinness Book of Records” holds the record for being the book most often stolen from public libraries.
32. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a space suit is dangerous.
33. George Carlin said it best about Martha Stewart: “Boy, I feel a lot safer now that she’s behind bars. O.J. Simpson and Kobe Bryant are still walking around; Osama Bin Laden too, but they take the ONE woman in America willing to cook, clean, and work in the yard, and they haul her off to jail.”
The Are Finally Together
Judy got married and had 13 children. Her first husband, Ted, died of cancer. She married again, and she & Bob had 7 more children. Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later. Judy again, remarried … and this time, she & John had 5 more children. Judy finally died, after having 25 children.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, “Lord, they are finally together.” Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret:
“Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?”
Margaret replied:….”I think he means her legs, Ethel..”
Perspective
Two women are chatting in office
Woman 1: I had sex last night, did you?
Woman 2: Yes.
Woman 1: Was it good?
Woman 2: No, it was a disaster… my husband came home, ate his dinner in
three minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in five minutes,
rolled over and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?
Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out to a
romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour. When we came
home he lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay. We
then had an hour long session of fantastic sex and afterwards talked for an hour. It was like a fairytale!
At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.
Husband 1: You wanted sex last night, how was it?
Husband 2: Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate,
screwed my wife and fell asleep. It was great! What about you?
Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there’s no dinner because they cut the electricity because I hadn’t paid the bill; so I had to take my wife out to dinner which was so expensive that I didn’t have money left for a cab. We had to walk home which took an hour – and when we got home I remembered there was no electricity so I had to light f@8%king candles all over the house! I was so angry that I couldn’t get it up for an hour and then I couldn’t come for another hour. After I finally did, I was so aggravated that I couldn’t fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another hour!
Involuntary Muscular Contractions
A professor at the Mississippi State Univ. was giving a lecture on ‘Involuntary Muscular Contractions’ to his first year medical students.
Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, ‘Do you know what your asshole is doing while you’re having an orgasm?’
She replied, ‘Probably turkey hunting with his buddies.’
It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom…
Tarzan Sex
When Jane initially met Tarzan of the jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.”Tarzan not know sex,” he replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was. Tarzan said, “Oh,…Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree.”
Horrified, she said, “Tarzan you have it all wrong,…but I will show you how to do it properly.” She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground. “Here” she said, “you must put it in here.” Tarzan removed his loincloth showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer, and then gave her a mighty kick right in the crotch!
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed: “What in the hell did you do that for?”
Tarzan replied, “check for squirrel.”
In Memory of Paul Maidman
New Truck
I bought a new Chevy Avalanche
And returned to the dealer yesterday
Because I couldn’t get the radio to work.
The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.
‘Nelson,’ the salesman said to the radio.
The radio replied, ‘Ricky or Willie?’
‘Willie!’ he continued and ‘On The Road Again’
Came from the speakers.
Then he said, ‘Ray Charles!’, and in an instant
‘ Georgia On My Mind’ replaced Willie Nelson.
I drove away happy, and for the next few days,
Every time I’d say, ‘Beethoven,’
I’d get beautiful classical music, and if I said,
‘Beatles,’ I’d get one of their awesome songs.
Yesterday, some guy ran a red light
And nearly creamed my new truck,
But I swerved in time to avoid him.
I yelled, ‘Ass Hole!’
Immediately the radio responded with,
“Ladies and gentlemen,
The President of The
United States
Damn I love this truck…
The Husband’s T-shirt
My wife was always after me to go shopping with her. Then I began wearing my favorite t-shirt. Now she doesn’t want me to go shopping with her anymore.
