Just when you think that you have everything for camping out and sitting around the fire at the lake someone comes up with something new.
A Cardiologist’s Funeral
A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life…. A huge heart… covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket was rolled inside.The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, ‘I am so sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral….. I’m a gynecologist.’
The proctologist fainted.
Lesbonics
1 . What do you call a pantry full of lesbians?
A. licker cabinet.
2. What do you call an Eskimo lesbian?
A. Klondike .
3.. What do you call 100 lesbians with guns?
A. Militia Etheridge.
4. Why can’t lesbians diet and wear make-up at the same time?
A. Because they can’t eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on their face.
5. What do you call two lesbians in a canoe?
A. Fur Traders…
6. What is a lesbian dinosaur called?
A. Lickalotapuss.
7. What do you call a lesbian with long fingers?
A. Well Hung.
8.. Did you hear that Ellen DeGeneres drowned?
A. She was found face down in Ricki Lake.
9. How can you tell a tough lesbian bar?
A. Even the pool table doesn’t have balls.
10. What do you call lesbian twins?
A. Lick-a-likes..
11.. What’s the definition of confusion?
A. Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market..
12. What’s the difference between a Ritz cracker and a lesbian?
A. One’s a snack cracker, the other’s a crack snacker.
13. What do you have when you’ve got 50 lesbians and 50 Government workers?
A. 100 people that don’t do dick.
Enoshima Aquarium
Even though it is March and the weather is still cold I got tired of being stuck in doors from the winter and decided to take the train to the east coast of Japan to visit Enoshima and check out their aquarium.
While there I watched the dolphin and sea lion show. The show really reminded me that this is Japan’s version of Sea World. It was an entertaining show and I had a lot of fun watching it. You can also see there were wind surfers out playing in the waves.
While walking through the aquarium I got to see some crabs, jellyfish, stingrays and other assortments of fish.
Married Woman
The other night I was invited out for a night with the ‘girls.’
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, ‘I promise!’
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up
and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another
9 times..
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted
solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when
totally smashed… 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos
MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him
‘MIDNIGHT’… He didn’t seem pissed off in the least.
Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said ‘We need a new cuckoo
clock.’
When I asked him why, he said, ‘Well, last night our clock cuckooed
three times, then said ‘oh shit.’ Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its,
throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and
then tripped over the coffee table and farted.
2nd Opinion
Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years. He eventually decided to go and see a doctor.
The doctor said, ‘Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.’
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men’s clothing store and thought, ‘That’s what I need… A new suit.’
He entered the shop and told the salesman, ‘I’d like a new suit.’
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, ‘Let’s see… size 44 long.’
Joe laughed, ‘That’s right, how did you know?’
‘Been in the business 60 years!’ the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit; it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, ‘How about a new shirt?’
Joe thought for a moment and then said, ‘Sure.’
The salesman eyed Joe and said, ‘Let’s see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.’
Joe was surprised, ‘That’s right, how did you know?’
‘Been in the business 60 years.’
Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, ‘How about some new underwear?’
Joe thought for a moment and said, ‘Sure..’
The salesman said, ‘Let’s see… size 36.
Joe laughed, ‘Ah ha! I got you! I’ve worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old..’
The salesman shook his head, ‘You can’t wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.’
Speeding
I got stopped for speeding yesterday. I thought I could talk my way out of it until the officer looked at my dog in the back seat.
Looking for a Good Book
Confucius say, “If you are in a book store and cannot find the book for which you search, you are obviously in the…..
Bumper Stickers Seen on Military Bases
“Except For Ending Slavery, Fascism, Nazism and Communism, WAR has Never Solved Anything.”
” U.S. Marines – Certified Counselors to the 72 Virgins Dating Club.”
” U.S. Air Force – Travel Agents To Allah”
“Stop Global Whining”
“When In Doubt, Empty The Magazine”
Naval Corollary: Dead Men Don’t Testify.
“The Marine Corps – When It Absolutely, Positively Has To Be Destroyed Overnight”
“Death Smiles At Everyone – Marines Smile Back”
“Marine Sniper – You can run, but you’ll just die tired!”
“What Do I Feel When I Kill A Terrorist? Recoil.”
“Marines – Providing Enemies of America an Opportunity To Die For their Country Since 1775”
“Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Anyone Who Threatens It”
“Happiness Is A Belt-Fed Weapon”
“It’s God’s Job to Forgive Bin Laden – It’s Our Job To Arrange The Meeting”
“Artillery Brings Dignity to What Would Otherwise Be Just A Vulgar Brawl”
“One Shot, Twelve Kills – U.S. Naval Gun Fire Support”
“My Kid Fought In Iraq So Your Kid Can Party In College”
“Machine Gunners – Accuracy By Volume”
“A Dead Enemy Is A Peaceful Enemy – Blessed Be The Peacemakers”
“If You Can Read This, Thank A Teacher. If You Can Read It In English, Thank A Veteran”
“Some people spend an entire lifetime wondering if they made a difference in the world. But, the Marines don’t have that problem.” – Ronald Reagan
Cajun Duck Hunter
A Cajun went duck hunting one day way up north near Shreveport and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn’t like Cajuns.
The game warden ordered the Cajun to show his hunting license, and the Cajun pulled out a valid Louisiana hunting license. The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt and said, “This duck ain’t from Louisiana. This is a Texas duck.
You got a Texas huntin’ license, boy?”
The Cajun reached into his wallet and produced a Texas hunting license. The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said, “This ain’t no Texas duck. This duck’s from Arkansas . You got a Arkansas license?”
The Cajun reached into his wallet; and produced an Arkansas hunting license. The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said “This ain’t no Arkansas duck. This here duck’s from Mississippi . You got a Mississippi huntin license?” Again the Cajun reached into his wallet and brought out a Mississippi hunting license. The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the Cajun “Just where the hell are you from?”
The Cajun turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said, “You tell me. You’re the expert.”
The Rule Maker
Do you know who makes the rules?
As sportsmen, it is absolutely imperative that in all of the sports we engage, we, without hesitation, play by the rules …
We take care to understand the rules, we discuss the rules amongst ourselves, and we study the rules …
As golfers, we are ruled by the rules ..
Lord knows there are all kinds of rules in that game .
And as citizens, we must follow the rule of law for so many things we do every day..
But just in case you have been pondering this for all your life as to whom actually makes the rules, please note the following:
Tee House Sign
A crusty old golfer comes in from a round of golf at a new course and heads into the grill room. As he passes through the swinging doors he sees a sign hanging over the bar:
Cold Beer: $2.00
Hamburger: $2.25
Cheeseburger: $2.50
Chicken Sandwich: $3.50
Hand Job: $50.00
Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers. She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer. “Yes?” she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, “May I help you?”
The old golfer leans over the bar an whispers, “I was wondering, young lady,” he whispers, “are you the one who gives the hand-jobs? “She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs: “Yes Sir, I sure am.” The old golfer leans closer and into her left ear and says softly, “Well, wash your hands real fucking good because I want a cheeseburger.”
Will I live to be 80?
I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing ‘fairly well’ for my age. (Now over 60.)
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn’t resist asking him, ‘Do you think I’ll live to be 80?’
He asked, ‘Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?’
‘Oh no,’ I replied.. ‘I’m not doing drugs, either!’
Then he asked, ‘Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?
‘I said, ‘Not much…. my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!’
‘Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?’
‘No, I don’t,’ I said.
He asked, ‘Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?’
‘No,’ I said.
He looked at me and said,… ‘Then, why do you even give a shit?’
Taking Advantage
The madam opened the red light district brothel door in youngstown ohio and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
“May I help you sir?” she asked..
“I want to see sandy,” the man replied..
“Sir, sandy is one of our most expensive ladies of the nite. Perhaps you would prefer someone else”, said the madam.
“No, I must see sandy,” he replied.
Just then, sandy appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to sandy, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left..
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see sandy. sandy explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row, as she was so expensive.. There were no discounts. The price was still $5000.
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to sandy, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid sandy and they went upstairs.
After their session, sandy said to the man, “No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?”
The man replied, ” Cleveland Ohio .”
“Really”, she said. “I have family in Cleveland .”
“I know.” the man said. “Your sister died, and I’m the lawyer for her will. I was instructed to deliver your $15,000 inheritance in person.”
The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain.
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer
You May Be a Taliban If…
1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can’t afford shoes.
3. You have more wives than teeth.
4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon “unclean.”
5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6. You can’t think of anyone you haven’t declared Jihad against.
7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.
10. You’ve always had a crush on your neighbor’s goat.
11. Your cousin is president of the United States
Social Security Sex
Two men were talking. ‘So, how’s your sex life?’
‘Oh, nothing special. I’m having Social Security sex.’
‘Social Security sex?’
‘Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!’
Loud Sex
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, ‘I’ve got a big problem,
doctor. Every time we’re in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this
ear splitting yell.’
‘My dear, the shrink said, ‘that’s completely natural. I don’t see what
the problem is.’
‘The problem is,’ she complained, ‘it wakes me up!’
Quiet Sex
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife
during a recent lovemaking session, ‘How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?’
She glanced at him casually and replied, ‘You’re not home!’
Confounded Sex
A man was in a terrible accident, and his “manhood” was mangled and torn
from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn’t cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for small, $6,500 for ‘medium, $14,000 for ‘large.’
The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected. “Well, what have the two of you decided?” asked the doctor.
The man answered, “She’d rather remodel the kitchen.”
Wedding Anniversary Sex
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary The husband yells, ‘When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads: ‘Here Lies My Wife-Cold As Ever’.’
‘Yeah,’ she replies, ‘when you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads: Here Lies My Husband – Stiff At Last.”
Quiet Sex
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, ‘How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?’
She glanced at him casually and replied, ‘You’re not home!’
Women’s Humorous Sex
My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, “This will make you happy tonight.” He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn’t get back in.
Elderly Sex
One night an 87 year old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92 year old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor assisted living
apartment Killing him instantly.
Brought before the court on charge of murder, the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense. She began coolly, ‘Yes, your honor, I figured that at 92, if he could have sex … He could fly.’
Traffic Ticket
A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff’s deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education than any cop from Nowhere, Tennessee . He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Tennessee deputy’s expense.
The deputy says, ‘License and registration, please.’
‘What for?’ says the lawyer..
The deputy says, ‘You didn’t come to a complete stop at the stop sign.’
Then the lawyer says, ‘I slowed down, and no one was coming.’
‘You still didn’t come to a complete stop, Says the deputy. License and registration, please.’
The lawyer says, ‘What’s the difference?’
‘The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that’s the law. License and registration, please!’ the Deputy repeats.
Lawyer says, ‘If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I’ll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don’t give me the ticket.’
‘That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir,’ the deputy says.
At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the daylights out of the lawyer and says, ‘Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?’
His and Hers Diary
Her Diary
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.
Conversation wasn’t flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn’t say much. I asked him what was wrong.
He said, ‘Nothing.’ I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn’t upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.
On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can’t explain his behavior. I don’t know why he didn’t say, ‘I love you, too.’ When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore .
He just sat there quietly, and watched TV . He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed . About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep – I cried. I don’t know what to do. I’m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
His Diary
My Snowmobile wouldn’t start today, but at least I got laid.
Happy New Year!
Happy 2010! With every new year there are things we reflect upon and things we look forward to. In 2009 we have tried to post a lot more content to the website as time permitted, to include adding many more jokes. For 2010 we will continue to try to add more content, as well as , improve on the ease of use for both the website and for the photo gallery. Although this gallery has served its purposed, it isn’t as user friendly as it could be. We will try to rectify that.
On a more personal note, us here at The Kumachan hope the new year brings much happiness, good health, and good fortune. Now lets get posting to welcome in 2010 with a roar. Cheers!
Winter Statistic
98% of Americans say “Oh Shit” before going in the ditch on a slippery road. The other 2% are from Michigan, and they say, “Check this out.”
