Dog For Sale
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: ‘Talking Dog For Sale ‘ He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
‘You talk?’ he asks.
‘Yep,’ the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says ‘So, what’s your story?’
The Lab looks up and says, ‘Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.’ ‘I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.‚Äô I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.’
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
‘Ten dollars,’ the guy says.
‘Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?’
‘Because he’s a liar. He never did any of that shit.
Circumcised
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the principal’s office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.
‘I thought I told you to call your mom!’ she said. ‘I did,’ he said, ‘And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she’d come and pick me up from school.’
Muslim Pussy
What does a Muslim Pussy look like? What were you thinking of?
Cow vs Sheep
A man walks into the bedroom carrying a sheep in his arms and says, “Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache.”
The wife, laying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, “If you weren’t such an idiot, you’d know that’s a sheep, not a cow.”
The guy replies, “If you weren’t such a presumptuous bitch, you’d realize I was talking to the sheep.”
Boobs vs Willies
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, ‘Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?’ The father, surprised, answers, ‘Well, son, a woman goes through three phases.
1. In her 20s, a woman’s boobs are like melons, round and firm.
2. In Her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
3. After 50, they are like onions’. ‘Onions?’ ‘Yes, you see them and they make you cry.’
This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, ‘Mom, how many kinds of ‘willies’ are there?’ The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, ‘Well dear, a man goes through Three phases also.
1. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and Hard.
2. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
3. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree’. ‘A Christmas tree?’
‘Yes — dead from the roots up and the balls are just for decoration.’
Ear infection
This is so true! They always ask at the doctor’s office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what’s wrong–and sometimes it is embarrassing.
There’s nothing worse than a doctor’s receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it:
A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The receptionist said, “Yes, sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?” He replied, “There’s something wrong with my dick.”
The receptionist became irritated and said, “You shouldn’t come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. “Why not? You asked me what was wrong, and I told you.”
The receptionist replied, “Now you’ve caused some embarrassment in this room full of people.. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private.”
“You shouldn’t ask people questions in a room full of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone,” the man said. Then he walked out and waited several minutes before re-entering.
The receptionist smiled smugly and said, “Yes?”
“There’s something wrong with my ear.”
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. “And what is wrong with your ear, sir?”
“I can’t piss out of it.”
The waiting room erupted in laughter…
Tweety Turns 60
Tweety bird turns 60 years old and was quoted saying, “I tawt I taw a pu … a put … oh I don’t know wat da fut I taw!”
Priceless Speeding Ticket
Telling Husband you’re going out for the night with the “Girls”… $0.00.
Red Leather Jacket for night out with the “Girls”… $200.00.
Getting a Radar photo speeding ticket while out with the “Girls”… $90.00.
Having husband open the mailed radar ticket, looking at the “photo proof” and seeing you, his dear wife, with another man’s dick in her hand … PRICELESS!
Why Rio got the Olympics
Rio:
or Chicago:
Rio:
or Chicago:
Rio:
or Chicago:
Rio:
or Chicago:
Rio:
or Chicago:
Rio:
or Chicago:
When the question is asked if the Olympics can come to Chicago, the answer is:
Eye Make-up
How important is eye makeup? Ladies, the best way to attract a man is with your eyes. That’s why it’s so important to have your eye makeup perfectly applied. Remember, if it weren’t for the excellent application of proper eye makeup this young lady probably wouldn’t get a second look from most guys…
I could be wrong!
Clothes Donation
I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world. I told them to piss off!! Anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving!!
Leather Smell
When a woman wears a leather dress, …A man’s heart beats quicker, And his throat gets dry, He goes weak in the knees, And he begins to think irrationally. Ever wonder why? It’s because she smells like a new truck.
Tokyo Disneyland
Tokyo Disneyland is was quite an experience. This time of year they are ready for Halloween and have all the necessary Disney decorations up. The park is big enough that it will take some time to get through, but overall it is a really fun experience. It truly is a magical place and great way to soak in all of the Disney magic.
Tokyo DisneySea
Today I went to Tokyo DisneySea. It was pretty cool to go there and seeing this ginormous spinning globe when you first get there. Then once you go inside there is what looks like some European street with boat rides in the water in the middle. On the far side of the water is a pirate attraction that is being overlooked by a volcano that erupts every hour on the hour. It is a pretty cool setting with some really neat attractions like Journey to the center of the earth, Indiana Jones, 20,000 leagues under the sea, and so on.
I would have to say the design of the park definitely can use some improvements. The biggest improvements that I think the park needs is the restaurants. There are so few restaurants that there are long lines for every one. I waited an hour and a half for a bad lunch that ended up costing me 4,000 yen or about $44.52 US dollars. Also, you better know what you want to eat prior to going to a specific restaurant because each one has something different and if you don’t like what they have then will need to walk around the park to find one that you like. Another major improvement the park needs is more drinking stands. I walked around the park all day looking for something to drink and it seemed that the only drinks that were available were from the restaurants. If you are looking for a bottle of water to carry around with you, I say you better have brought it with you because you probably won’t have any good luck finding it in the park. Finally, the last thing that you better have already known about before you get to the park is that there are these things called quick passes. I’m not exactly sure how it works, but when the park opens you have 1 hour to go register for a quick pass. Once you get a quick pass then get to go to all the attractions in this fast line that is only about a 15 minute wait. Of course I was not aware of the quick pass so I was stuck waiting an hour and a half for every ride that I wanted to go on. There were some rides like Journey to the Center of the Earth and Indiana Jones that I did not go on because those both had four hour lines. That’s crazy to be standing there 4 hours for one ride with nothing to drink. If that park wanted to make some real money, the would put drink stands in each of the attraction lines because people would buy that right up. Anyway, it was neat to go see and experience once, but I’m not sure how soon I’ll be going back.
Hot Chili
I went to Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented ‘you’re definitely going to s**t yourself’ road-kill chilli. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.
Here’s the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No ‘Watson’s Movement 2’. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as ‘thunder and lightning’.
Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for Bunnings, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the den. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn’t until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me.
Oh, don’t look at me like you don’t know what I’m talking about. I’m referring to that ‘Uh, Oh, Shit, gotta go’ pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The habaneras in the chilli from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.
There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.
I don’t know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate… Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here’s what I mean, and I’m sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could’ve warned that poor clerk, but didn’t. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. …….BIG mistake!!!!!
Here’s the thing. When you laugh, it’s hard to keep things ‘clamped down’, if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun. Suddenly things were no longer funny. ‘It’ was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I’d make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.
Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable ‘Oh my God’, floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of ‘Shock and Awe’. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, ‘Son-of-a-bitch!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?’, then quickly left.
Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, ‘Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.’
My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, ‘IT’S YOU!’, then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.
Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chilli, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Lowes. I can’t say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter.
Bastards claim they’re going to have to repaint the store.
The College Graduation
Three women go down to Mexico to celebrate college graduation.
Apparently someone slipped something into their drinks, and they woke up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.
The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says, “I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the Almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent.” They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.
The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words‚ “I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent.” They throw the switch and again nothing happens. Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.
The last one (you knew it), a blonde, is strapped in and says, “Well, I’m from the University of Tennessee and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, an I’ll tell ya right now, y’all ain’t gonna electrocute nobody if you don’t plug this thing in.”
Fuji Safari Park
Went to Fuji Safari Park near the base of Mount Fuji in Japan. The park was rather neat because you could walk around and pet some animals, but there was also a part of the park where you drive your vehicle through these big Jurassic Park gates and then there are animals walking along the side of your vehicle as you drive through. That was a pretty neat experience.
Old Fart Football
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, ‚ÄòSeven Points.’
His wife rolls over and says, ‘What in the world was that?’ The old man replied, ‘its fart football.’
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says ‚ÄòTouchdown, tie score.’
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, ‘Aha. I’m ahead 14 to 7.’
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, ‘Touchdown, tie score.’
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, ‘Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.’ Now the pressure is on the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he’s got, and accidentally shits in the bed.
The wife says, ‘What the hell was that?’
The old man says, ‘Half time, switch sides.
The Best Engine in the World
A notable gynecologist once said, “The best engine in the world is the vagina.” It can be started with one finger. It is self-lubricating. It takes any size piston. And it changes its own oil every four weeks. It is only a pity that the management system is so fucking temperamental.
Example of “Bitter Sweet”
A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and mixed emotions when he turned to his wife and said, “Honey, that’s a bunch of crap; I bet you can’t tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time.”
She said, “You have the biggest penis of all your friends.”
Belly Button Tattoo
Be glad it’s not your kid.
Pants and Panties
Mike was going to be married to Karen so his Father sat him down for a little chat.
He said, ‘Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your Mother, and said, ‘Here, try these on..”
She did and said, ‘These are too big. I can’t wear them.’
I replied, ‘Exactly… I wear the pants in this family and I always will.’ Ever since that night, we have never had any problems.
‘Hmmm,’ said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try.
On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, ‘Here, try these on..’
She tried them on and said, ‘These are too large.. They don’t fit me.’
Mike said, ‘Exactly.. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don’t want you to ever forget that.’
Then Karen took off her panties and handed them to Mike. She said, ‘Here, you try on mine.’
Mike did and said, ‘I can’t get into your panties.’
Karen said, ‘Exactly. And if you don’t change your smart-ass attitude, you never will.’