Went down to the USS Missouri (The Mighty MO) located in Pearl Harbor, Hawaii and took a tour and snapped some photos. Here are some of the photos. This was quite an experience. The USS Missouri shoots projectiles the size of a Volkswagen Bug up to 30 miles. Wow! Also it was quite a thing to stand on the exact spot where the Japanese signed their surrender to World War II in Tokyo Bay. If you ever get the opportunity, definitely go visit the USS Missouri and take in the whole experience.
Took a tour of the USS Bowfin in Pearl Harbor, Hawaii. Here are some of my photos from that experience.
A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there’s an ad for ‘Bear Removers.’He calls the number, and the bear remover says he’ll be over in 30 minutes.The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He’s got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
“What are you going to do,” the homeowner asks?
“I’m going to put this ladder up against the roof, then, I’m going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van.”He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
“What’s the shotgun for?” asks the homeowner.
“If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog.”
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, ‘we’re not coming out until you leave!’
The old man frowned, ‘I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.’
Holding the bucket up he said, ‘I’m here to feed the alligator.’
Some old men can still think fast.
A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn’t want to spend a fortune.
‘Well,’ said the clerk, ‘I have a very large bullfrog. They say it’s been trained to give blowjobs!’
‘Blowjobs!’ the woman replied.
‘It hasn’t been proven but we’ve sold 30 of them this month,’ he said.
The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it’s true…no more blowjobs for her! She bought the frog.
When she explained froggy’s ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.
In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.
‘What are you two doing at this hour?’ she asked. The husband replied, ‘If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is gone.’
A father passing by his son’s bedroom was astonished to see that His bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to ‘Dad.’ With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.
Dear Dad:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, Tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it’s not only the passion..Dad she’s pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
St acy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone. We’ll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.
In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.
Don’t worry Dad. I’m 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I’m sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.
Love,
Your Son John
PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I’m over at Tommy’s house. I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a report card That’s in my center desk drawer. I love you. Call me when it’s safe to come home.
Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, she can’t stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks, “what’s sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?”
The woman replies, ‘It’s Keith, the midget.”
The picture was taken in 1918. It is thousands of men preparing for war in a training camp at Camp Dodge in Iowa. A gift from some of our grandfathers.
My wife and I went to the State Fair, and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, “THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR”
My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs and said, ‘He mated 50 times last year.’ We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, “THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR.”
My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, “That’s more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him.” We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, “THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR.”
My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, “That’s once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one.” I looked at her and said, “Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow.”
I never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their heads and women with their hearts.
FOR EXAMPLE:
One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, “I don’t feel like it; I just want you to hold me.”
I said, “WHAT??!! What was that?!”
So she says the words that every man on the planet dreads to hear…
“You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.”
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, “Can’t you just love me for who I am and not for what I do for you in the bedroom?”
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day, I opted to take the day off work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to take, so I told her we’d just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to complement her new clothes, so I said, “Let’s get a pair for each outfit.”
We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you… she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn’t even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, “That’s fine, honey.” She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, “I think this is all, dear, let’s go to the cashier.”
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, “No honey, I don’t feel like it.”
Her face went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, “WHAT?”
I then said, “Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You’re just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.”
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, “Why can’t you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?”
Apparently, I’m not having sex tonight either… but at least now she knows I’m smarter than her.
The Transformative Effects of Marriage on the Y-chromosome.
Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men….that night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over their eyes .
After a few days they meet again…..The engaged girlfriend said: “The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4” stilettos and mask. He said, “You are the woman of my life, I love you…then we made love all night long.”
The mistress stated: “Oh Yes! The other night we met in his office. I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn’t say a word. We just had wild sex all night.”
The married one then said: “The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mother’s for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes.
My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV controller and a beer, and said, “Hey Batman, what’s for dinner?”
A supporter of Australian Football team Geelong Cats wanting a permanent reminder of the team’s AFL triumph has been left by a tattoo saying his team were “Gay Premiers 2007”. In a celebratory trip to Thailand last week “Neville”, a dyed-in-the-wool Cats fan, had 15 cans of beer to ease the pain of the 5-¬¨Œ© hour experience.
He paid $150 for the privilege. And to ensure the Phuket tattooist got it right, he wrote down exactly what he wanted on his right and left arms, under the headings “right arm” and “left arm.” “I gave them a piece of paper and wrote down on the right arm, I wanted the new Geelong emblem they’ve got out now … and Day Premiers 2007.”
“And on the left arm side I wrote “left arm” and the two grandkids names and Night Premiers 2006″. The tattooist took him literally – almost. Now he has “right arm” written on his right arm, just above “Gay Premiers 2007” because the tattooist marked in “Gay” instead of “Day”.
Guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.
Guy behind the counter says, ‘Male or female?’
Customer says, ‘Female.’
Counter guy asks, ‘Black or white?
Customer says, ‘White.’
Counter guy asks, ‘Christian or Muslim?’
Customer says, ‘What the hell does religion have to do with it?’
Counter guy says, ‘The Muslim one blows itself up.’
The Pentagon announced TODAY the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF)
These boys will be dropped off in Iraq and have been given onlythe following facts about terrorists :
1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don’t like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.
5. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
The Pentagon expects the problem in Iraq to be over by next Friday.
A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all perish.
They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl, “Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?”
She giggles and shyly replies, “Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.”
St. Peter says, “Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate.”
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, “Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?”
The girl is a little reluctant but replies, “Well, once I fondled and stroked one.”
St. Peter says, “Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate.”
All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line.
When she reaches the front, St.Peter says, “Reva, What seems to be the problem?”
The girl replies, “If I’m going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jessica sticks her ass in it!
After being married for 44 years, I took a careful look at my wife one Day and said, ‘Honey, 44 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a Sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old gal. Now I have a $500,000.00 home, a $45,000.00 car, nice big bed and plasma screen TV, but I’m sleeping with a 65-year-old woman. It seems to me that you’re not holding up your side of things.’
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old gal, And she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Aren’t older women great? They really know how to solve a mid-life crisis…
Casa D’Ice Restaurant is just 10 miles southeast of Pittsburgh in North Versailles, PA ). The owner changes the signs whenever he gets another idea…Or just wants to make a [political] statement and WOW! The only problem? He uses some pretty foul language to make his points.
With apologies to Jeff Foxworthy, our troops in Afghanistan prove they’ve trained their sense of humor with the following:
“You may be a Taliban if . . .
1) You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.
2) You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can’t afford shoes.
3) You have more wives than teeth.
4) You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon “unclean.”
5) You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6) You can’t think of anyone you HAVEN’T declared Jihad against.
7) You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
8) You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
9) You’ve ever uttered the phrase, “I love what you’ve done with your cave.”
10) You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.
11) You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.
12) You’ve ever had a crush on your neighbor’s goat.
A man goes deer hunting and successfully fills his freezer with venison. One night he cooks some up for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won’t tell the kids what kind of meat it is. The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue. ‘Well’ he said, ‘It’s what mommy calls me sometimes’. The little girl screams, ‘Don’t eat it!!!….. It’s an asshole!!!
Happy Easter!
The pineapple water tower by the Dole cannery.
