A man goes deer hunting and successfully fills his freezer with venison. One night he cooks some up for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won’t tell the kids what kind of meat it is. The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue. ‘Well’ he said, ‘It’s what mommy calls me sometimes’. The little girl screams, ‘Don’t eat it!!!….. It’s an asshole!!!
Peep Show For Easter
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Happy Easter!
Hawaii Pineapple by the Dole Cannery
The pineapple water tower by the Dole cannery.
A Little Something For Dog Lovers
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The other end of the rainbow
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Another dream shattered
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Finally, someone has managed to photograph the pot at the end of the rainbow! Wouldn’t you know it?
Women vs Men
Woman’s Perfect Breakfast
She’s sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
Woman’s Revenge
“Cash, check or charge?” I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. “So, do you always carry your TV remote?” I asked.
“No,” she replied, “but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.”
Understand Women
(A man’s perspective)
I know I’m not going to understand women.
I’ll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.
Marriage Seminar
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, “It is essential that husbands and wives know each other’s likes and dislikes.”
He addressed the man, “Can you name your wife’s favorite flower?”
Tom leaned over, touched his wife’s arm gently and whispered, “It’s Pillsbury, isn’t it?
Cigarettes and Tampons
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, “Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, “You see, it’s like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store
to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco
and some rolling papers; cause it’s sooo-ooo–oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own ………so does she.
Wife vs Husband
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, “Relatives of yours?”
“Yep,” the wife replied, “in-laws.”
Words
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day…
30,000 to a man’s 15,000.
The wife replied, “The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men…
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, “What?”
Creation
A man said to his wife one day, “I don’t know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
“The wife responded, “Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
Who Does What
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, “You should do it because you get up first,
and then we don’t have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, “You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.”
Wife replies, “No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.”
Husband replies, “I can’t believe that, show me.”
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says “Hebrews.”
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and lose), he wrote on a piece of paper, “Please wake me at 5:00 AM.” He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, “It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.”
Ed Zachary Disease
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A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese sex therapist Dr. Chang.
So she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room Dr. Chang said ‘OK take off all your crose. ‘The woman did a s she was told. ‘Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room.’ Again the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said ‘OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me.’ So she did. Dr.Chang shook his head slowly and said ‘Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary diease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates.’ Worried the woman asked anxiously ‘Oh my God Dr.Chang what is Ed Zachary Disease ?’ Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied ‘Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass.’
Fairy Tale
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Retirement Info
Here’s a little retirement info for you:
If you had purchased $1,000.00 of Delta Air Lines stock one year ago you would have $49.00 left. With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1,000.00. With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left. But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all of the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have had $214.00. Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle. It’s called the 401-Keg.
Cold is a Relative Thing in Michigan
60 above zero:
Floridians turn on the heat.
People in Michigan plant gardens.
50 above zero:
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
People in Michigan sunbathe.
40 above zero:
Italian & English cars won’t start.
People in Michigan drive with the windows down.
32 above zero:
Distilled water freezes.
The water in Lake Michigan gets thicker.
20 above zero:
Floridians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, wool hats.
People in Michigan throw on a flannel shirt.
15 above zero:
New York landlords finally turn up the h eat.
People in Michigan have the last cookout before it gets cold.
Zero:
People in Miami all die.
Michiganders close the windows.
10 below zero:
Californians fly away to Mexico
People in Michigan get out their winter coats.
25 below zero:
Hollywood disintegrates.
The Girl Scouts in Michigan are selling cookies door to door.
40 below zero:
Washington DC runs out of hot air.
People in Michigan let the dogs sleep indoors.
100 below zero:
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Michiganders get upset because they can’t start the Mini-Van.
460 (-459.67 F below zero):
ALL atomic motion stops (absolute zero, zero on the Kelvin scale.)
People in Michigan start saying…”Cold enough fer ya?”
500 below zero:
Hell freezes over.
Michigan public schools will open 2 hours late.
Movie Scenes That Are Not Quite Right
Hey, Samari Warrior, what time is it?
Hey, Dude!…Put your finger on the trigger!
Trojan War? Check. Jet in the sky? Check.
Costumes?….Bows?….Arrows?….Cell phone?…Action!
What? Oh, I remember now….Adidas….Founded in 1635
Hillary’s Dreams
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Funny Signs
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Puppies For Sale
I will soon have bird dog pups for sale. Anyone who is interested please contact me as soon as possible. The litter will probably be between 7 to 10 pups , which I will sell at a very reasonable price. Here is a photo of the parents of the litter, to give you an idea of what the pups should look like. Please contact me soon, as they will go fast.
Bubba and the Psychiatrist
Bubba went to a psychiatrist. ‘I’ve got problems Every time I go to bed I think there’s somebody under it. I’m scared. I think I’m going crazy.’
‘Just put yourself in my hands for one year,’ said the shrink. ‘Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears.’
‘How much do you charge?
‘Eighty dollars per visit, replied the doctor.’
‘I’ll sleep on it,’ said Bubba.
Six months later the doctor met Bubba on the street. ‘Why didn’t you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?’ asked the psychiatrist.
‘Well Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!’
‘Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?’
‘He told me to cut the legs off the bed! – Ain’t nobody under there now!’
Sex is Missing Again
Folks generally aren’t very creative in choosing names for their dogs. That’s why there are so many named Rover and Spot. But have you heard the plight of the fellow who thought he’d be cute and name his dog Sex? It goes like this:
“One day Sex and I took a walk and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking for that dog. A policeman came by and asked what I was doing in this alley at midnight. I told him I was looking for Sex. My case comes up next Tuesday.” “But that ain’t the worst part. One day I went to the town hall to get a dog license for Sex. The clerk asked me what I wanted. I told him I wanted a license for Sex. He said, “I’d like to have one, too.” Then I said, “You don’t understand. She’s a dog.” He said he didn’t care how she looked. When I told him I’d had Sex since I was 5, he said, “You must have been an early bloomer.” “When I decided to get married, I told the minister I wanted to have Sex at the wedding. He told me I’d have to wait until after the wedding. When I protested that Sex had played a big part in my life and that my whole life revolved around Sex, he said he didn’t want to hear about my personal life.” “After my wife and I were married, I took the dog with us on the honeymoon. When I checked into the hotel, I told the clerk I wanted a room for my wife and wanted one for Sex. She said, “Every room in the hotel was for sex.” I said, “You don’t understand. Sex keeps me awake at night.” The clerk said, “Me, too.” “When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. When I told the Judge I had Sex before I was married, he grinned and said, “Me. too.” “Now that I’ve been thrown in jail, married, divorced and had more trouble with that dog than I ever imagined, I’m in counseling. My psychiatrist asked me what my problem was. I said, “Sex has died and left my life. It’s like losing a best friend and I’m so lonely,” I told him. He said, “Look, you and I both know that sex isn’t man’s best friend. Get yourself a dog.”
It’s time to play “Find the Canadian!”
This week’s challenge is especially difficult. View the attached candid photograph and use logic to locate the clues that will let you “Find the Canadian!” Do you have the skill? Do you have the ability? Do you know enough about your northern cousins? Can you find the Canadian?
Is America at War?
As I came out of the supermarket that sunny day, pushing my cart of groceries towards my car, I saw an old man with the hood of his car up and a lady sitting inside the car, with the door open. The old man was looking at the engine. I put my groceries away in my car and continued to watch the old gentleman from about twenty-five feet away.
I saw a young man in his early twenties with a grocery bag in his arm, walking towards the old man. The old gentleman saw him coming too and took a few steps towards him. I saw the old gentleman point to his open hood and say something. The young man put his grocery bag into what looked like a brand new Cadillac Escalade and then turned back to the old man, and I heard him yell at the old gentleman saying, “You shouldn’t even be allowed to drive a car at your age.” And then with a wave of his hand, he got in his car and peeled rubber out of the parking lot.
I saw the old gentleman pull out his handkerchief and mop his brow as he went back to his car and again looked at the engine. He then went to his wife and spoke with her and appeared to tell her it would be okay. I had seen enough and I approached the old man. He saw me coming and stood straight and as I got near him I said, “Looks like you’re having a problem.” He smiled sheepishly and quietly nodded his head.
I looked under the hood myself and knew that whatever the problem was, it was beyond me. Looking around I saw a gas station up the road and told the old gentleman that I would be right back. I drove to the station and went inside and saw three attendants working on cars. I approached one of them and related the problem the old man had with his car and offered to pay them if they could follow me back down and help him.
The old man had pushed the heavy car under the shade of a tree and appeared to be comforting his wife. When he saw us he straightened up and thanked me for my help. As the mechanics diagnosed the problem (overheated engine) I spoke with the old gentleman. When I shook hands with him earlier he had noticed my Marine Corps ring and had commented about it, telling me that he had been a Marine too. I nodded and asked the usual question, “What outfit did you serve with?” He had mentioned that he served with the first Marine Division at Tarawa, Saipan, Iwo Jima and Guadalcanal.
He had hit all the big ones and retired from the Corps after the war was over.
As we talked we heard the car engine come on and saw the mechanics lower the hood. They came over to us as the old man reached for his wallet, but was stopped by me and I told him I would just put the bill on my AAA card. He still reached for the wallet and handed me a card that I assumed had his name and address on it and I stuck it in my pocket. We all shook hands all around again and I said my goodbye’s to his wife.
I then told the two mechanics that I would follow them back up to the station. Once at the station I told them that they had interrupted their own jobs to come along with me and help the old man. I said I wanted to pay for the help, but they refused to charge me. One of them pulled out a card from his pocket looking exactly like the card the old man had given to me.
Both of the men told me then, that they were Marine Corps Reserves. Once again we shook hands all around and as I was leaving, one of them told me I should look at the card the old man had given to me and I said I would and drove off.
For some reason I had gone about two blocks when I pulled over and took the card out of my pocket and looked at it for a long, long, time. The name of the old gentleman was on the card in golden leaf and under his name………”Congressional Medal of Honor Society.”
I sat there motionless looking at the card and reading it over and over.
I looked up from the card and smiled to no one but myself and marveled that on this day, four Marines had all come together, because one of us needed help. He was an old man all right, but it felt good to have stood next to greatness and courage and an honor to have been in his presence.
America is not at war. The U.S. Military is at war. America is at the Mall.
The Wrong Bitch
The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged French woman’s poodle.
The war weary Marine asked, ‘Ma’am, may I have that seat?’The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular ‘Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.’
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. ‘Please, ma’am. May I sit down? I’m very tired’ She snorted, ‘Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!’
This time the Marine didn’t say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked, ‘Someone must defend my honor! This American should be put in his place!’
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, ‘Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window!
Differences Between Women And Men
1. NAMES
If Rebecca, Linda, Anna and Jeanne go out for lunch, they will call each other Rebecca, Linda, Anna and Jeanne.
If Mark, Harold, Dave and Rob go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.
2. EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mark, Harold, Dave and Rob will each throw in a $20, even though it’s only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
3. MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need, but it’s on sale.
4. BATHROOMS
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.
The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
5. ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that… is the beginning of a new argument.
6. CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren’t looking, men kick cats.
7. FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
8. SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
9. MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.
10. DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage,answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
11. NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
12. OFFSPRING
Ah,children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
13. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
All married men should forget their mistakes. There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing.
Cat Baths
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A few thoughts on cat baths…by The Cat
“But You Said You Loved Me!”
“You will pay, as God is my witness, you will pay.”
“Jeepers, you call this water warm???”
“I don’t think I like you anymore.”
“You SUCK!!!!!!”
“E.T. phone home……quick!”
“No, I’m not your Good Little Kitty anymore.”
“Traction….I’m losing Traction!”
“I want my Mommmmmmyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!”
“No, no, no, no…..NOOOO!!!!”
Upper Peninsula Moose
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Not one, but two! Truly amazing! These animals were photographed just north of the Wisconsin border on a highway near Marenisco, Michigan. Once in awhile there is an opportunity to take in a piece of nature that you may never see. In these days of unrest and turmoil it is great to see that Mother Nature can still produce some wondrous beauty.
The odds of seeing an albino moose are astronomical and to see this in the upper peninsula of Michigan, is even greater than astronomical. To see two of them together is nearly impossible. We wanted to share these photos with as many people as possible because you will probably never have a chance to see this rare sight again. This is a really special treat, so enjoy the shot of a life time.
Hot date in Alabama
A young Alabama man goes to a drug store and says to the pharmacist: “I got a hot date ! tonight , an’ I need me some pertection. How much is a pack a’ them rubbers gonna cost me?” The pharmacist responds: “A three-pack of condoms is $4.99 with tax.” “TACKS!” the shocked redneck says. “Gawd a’mighty, don’t they stay on by themselves?
Groaner
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. And was somewhat upset. “You are a disrespectful pig!” she cried. “How dare you do this to me — a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!”
And the husband replied “Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.”
“Fine, go ahead,” she sobbed, ” but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!”
And the husband began — “Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t use because I don’t have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t use because someone at work has a pair the same.”
The husband took a quick breath and continued – “She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, Please … do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?”
Those Crazy Bikers
A biker is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion’s cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A reporter has seen the whole scene, and addressing the biker, says “Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life.”
“Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.”
“Well, I’ll make sure this won’t go unnoticed. I’m a journalist, you know, and tomorrow’s papers will have this on the first page. What motorcycle do you ride?”
“A Harley Davidson.”
The journalist leaves. The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on first page:
Biker Gang Member Assaults African Immigrant and Steals His Lunch