Winner of the Not My Job Award
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Fortune Cookie
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Bomb Technician
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Stay Off The Course
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Twenty Dollars
On their wedding night, the young bride Approached her new Husband and asked for $20.00 for their first Lovemaking encounter. In His highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made Love, for more
Than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a Cute way for her to
Afford new clothes and other incidentals that She needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was Surprised to find
Her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that His employer Was going through a process of corporate
Downsizing, and he had Been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of
59, he’d be able to find Another position that paid anywhere near what He’d been earning , and Therefore, they Were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which Showed more than thirty
Years of steady deposits and interest totaling Nearly $1 million. Then she
Showed him certificates of deposits issued By the bank which were worth over $2 million, And informed him that they Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.
She explained that For the more than Three decades she had “charged” him for sex, These holdings had multiplied And these were the Results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments Worth over $3
Million, her husband was so astounded he could Barely speak, but
Finally he found his voice and blurted out, “If I’d had any idea what you
Were doing, I would have given you all my Business!”
That’s when she shot him.
You know, sometimes, men just don’t know when
To keep their mouths shut.
The University of Michigan Women’s Volleyball Sweeps the Oregon State University
Today I watched the University of Michigan Sweep Oregon State University in 3 games to win the ASICS Rainbow Wahine Invitational Tournament. This game was not as exciting as the game against the University of Hawaii last night, but it was good to see that the University of Michigan is still undefeated.
Chinese Newlyweds
A young Chinese couple gets married. She’s a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn’t know that. On their wedding night, she cowers
naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.
He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. “My darring,” he whispers, “I know dis your firss time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting – juss anyting you want. You juss ask… so… whatchu want?” he says, trying to sound experienced and
worldly, which he hopes will impress her.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually shyly whispers back, “I want to try someting I have
heard about from other girls… Numbaa 69.”
More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her…
“You want… Mushroom Chicken with steam vegetable????
The University of Michigan Women’s Volleyball Upsets #10 Ranked University of Hawaii
This morning I was talking with a guy from work and he informed me that there is a season opening tournament for the University of Hawaii women’s volleyball. He also informed me that UH is playing the University of Michigan for their opening game. Once I heard that I knew I had to go to the game to support the University of Michigan. Prior to going to the game I looked up the rankings and statistics for both teams. The University of Hawaii is ranked #10 in the nation and the University of Michigan isn’t even ranked. The University of Michigan is ranked #6 in the Big Ten rankings. With that in mind I knew I still had to go support the University of Michigan because it will probably be the only Michigan team I will be able to cheer for this year in person.
I drove down to the Stan Sheriff Center at the University of Hawaii campus in Manoa. The 1st game of the night was Colorado State University against Oregon State University. This game went to 5 games and Oregon State University upset Colorado State University. After that game UH played UM. Out of the 7,343 people present at the stadium watching the games there was only about 20 or 25 that were there supporting the University of Michigan and I was one of them wearing my Michigan t-shirt and being surrounded by a bunch of fans from the University of Hawaii. Prior to the start of the game it looked like the University of Hawaii was pumped up and ready to play and the University of Michigan looked like they were just not as ready during warm-ups. Surprisingly the University of Michigan came out and won the 1st game 30 to 14. The 2nd game Michigan won as well 30 to 28. The 3rd game the University of Hawaii won 30 to 22. During the 4th game the University of Michigan was up by 5 point with a score of 27 to 22 and the University of Hawaii went on a run to win with a final score of 30 to 27. This game went into a 5th game to 15. This final game was real exciting because UH and UM kept switching the lead, but at the end the University of Michigan ended up upsetting the University of Hawaii with a final score of 18 to 16. It was really exciting and well worth it to go support the University of Michigan and watch the games. If you ever get a chance to go, I recommend trying the garlic fries while watching the games. The fries are killer.
The Miracle of Toilet Paper
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.Instead of characteristically telling me it’s not so, He uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
“If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds”.
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. “How long will this take?” I asked.
“They will grow larger over a period of years,” my husband replies.
I stopped. “Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?”
Without missing a beat he says, “Worked for your butt, didn’t it?”
He’s still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw for a very long time.
Stupid, stupid man.
As I Mature
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Haven’t You Ever Seen?
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T-shirts
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Gas Chamber
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Stuck Pen
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A coworker got his ink pen stuck inside our printer while trying to clear a jam. He attempted several times to remove the pen, but I told him we don’t have time for that now, just put a note on the printer telling folks not to use it. We would have to report it to the Help Desk later. So he grabbed a piece of paper and a pencil and started writing the warning, so I left.
About 20 minutes later, one of my techs came in laughing and says he was just in the lobby, saw a piece of paper on a printer and went to investigate.
Attached is what he found. Sometimes things don’t always come out the way you want them to..
Bartender
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Dog Food Diet
I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for our dog and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog…….. Duh!
I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn’t because I’d ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and I.V.’s in both arms.
Her eyes about bugged out of her head. I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying it. I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.
Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the hospital.
I said no…..I’d been sitting in the street licking my butt when a car hit me.
I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.
Difference Between Europe and USA
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Ouch
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Scaredy Cat
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Online Shoppers
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