Thailand Crocodile Show

Today I went over to the Pattaya crocodile farm and watched a crocodile show. The only thing I can say is, “Holy Crap!” This guy climbed into a pit with a bunch of crocodiles. He then began to do things like open their mouths and stick his hand in it. Then he tapped their teeth with a stick and then this crazy bastard actually stuck his head in the crocodile’s mouth. Holy crap! I hope those crocs have already been fed. After he did that then he kept one of the crocodile’s mouth open and he took a run at the croc and slid to where his head was in the mouth. Holy Crap! After that he picked up a little croc and played it like a guitar. Holy Crap! It was exciting and definitely a good experience, however I wouldn’t want his job. He definitely earns his money doing shows like that. He is the 1st Thai Superman I have ever seen.

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No sex since 1955

A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. “Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?”

“Negative, ma’am. Just serious by nature.”‘, ‘”The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, “It looks like you have seen a lot of action.”

“Yes, ma’am, a lot of action.”

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, “You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.”

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, “You know, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?”

“1955, ma’am.”

“Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955!” She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to “relax” him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, “Wow, you sure didn’t forget much since 1955!”

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, “I hope not; it’s only 2130 now.”

Making Thai Silk

Today I went and watched how Thai silk is made. Here are some photos of the process and the professionals at work.

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The Gay Flight Attendant

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he’ll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn’t moved a muscle. Perhaps you didn’t hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo,so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.

She calmly turned her head and said, In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one, to which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, “Well, sweet- cheeks, in my country I’m called a Queen, so I outrank you.

Tray-up, bitch.

Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don’t disguise your voice.
3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it “In”.
5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 Weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6. In the memo field of all your checks, write “For Smuggling Diamonds”.
7. Finish all your sentences with “In accordance with the prophecy”.
8. Don’t use any punctuation.
9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
10. Order a diet water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.’
11. Specify that your drive-through order is “To Go”.
12. Sing along at the opera.
13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don’t rhyme?
14. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day.
15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can’t attend their party because you’re not in the mood.
16. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, “Rock Bottom.”
17. When the money comes out the ATM, Scream “I Won! I Won!”
18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling “Run for Your Lives! They’re Loose!”
19. Tell your children over dinner, “Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.”
20. Send this link to someone to make them smile. It’s called…therapy.

Precaution

A senior citizen visits his doctor for a routine check-up and everything seems fine. The doctor asks him about his sex life.

“Well…” the man drawled, “not bad at all to be honest. The wife ain’t all that interested anymore, so I just cruise around. In the past week I was able to pick-up and bed at least three girls, none of whom were over thirty years old.”

“My goodness Jack, and at your age too.” the doctor said. “I hope you took at least some precautions.”

“Yep. I may be old, but I ain’t senile yet doc. I gave ”em all a phony name.”

Wedding Terms

On their wedding night, the young bride told her groom “Since we’re married now, we can arrange our sex life like this: In the evening if my hair is done, that means I don’t want sex at all. If my hair is somewhat undone, that means I may or may not have sex. Last…. if my hair is completely undone, that means I want sex…”

The groom replied: “OK honeycup. Just make sure that when I come home, I usually have a drink… If I have only one drink, that means I don’t want sex. If I have two drinks, I may or may not be wanting sex. But if I drink more than two…. your hair won’t matter!

Brooklyn Tony on Math

Brooklyn Tony returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

“Why?” asks the father.

The teacher asked ”How much is 2×3,” I said ”6,” replies Tony.

“But that’s right!” says his dad.’, ‘”Yeah, but then she asked me ” How much is 3×2?”” “What’s the fucking difference?” asks the father.

“That’s what I said!”

Brooklyn Tony

Theteacher asks her class, “If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence andyou shoot one of them, how many will be left ?”She calls on Brooklyn Tony.

He replies, “None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.”

Theteacher replies, “The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.”‘, ‘Then Brooklyn Tony says, “I have a question for you. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

  • One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
  • The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
  • The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
    Which one is married?”

    The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, “Well, I suppose the one that’s gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.”

    To which Brooklyn Tony replied, “The correct answer is” the one with the wedding ring on,but I like your thinking.”

    • Should Children Witness Childbirth?

    Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry again. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

    Kathleen quickly responded, “He shouldn’t have crawled in there in the first place……smack his ass again!”

    New Diet

    I have a Golden retriever & I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn”t because I”d ended up in the hospital last time, but that I”d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

    I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.’, ‘I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

    Horrified, she asked if I”d ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned, from the food. I told her no; it was because I”d been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

    I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

    Mexican Boarder Wall Problem Solved

    Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border, take the dirt and raise the levies in New Orleans, and then put the Florida alligators into the border moat!

    Any other problems you would like for me to solve?

    How Do You Feel?

    Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: “Slim, I”m 83 years old now and I’m just full of aches and pains. I know you’re about my age. How do you feel?”

    Slim says, “I feel just like a newborn baby.”

    “Really!? Like a newborn baby!?”

    “Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.”

    Elderly Marriage

    A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
    “So I hear you”re getting married?”
    “Yep!”
    “Do I know her?”
    “Nope!”
    “This woman, is she good looking?”
    “Not really.”
    “Is she a good cook?”
    “Naw, she can’t cook too well.”
    “Does she have lots of money?”
    “Nope! Poor as a church mouse.”
    “Well, then, is she good in bed?”
    “I don’t know.”
    “Why in the world do you want to marry her then?”
    “Because she can still drive!”

    Elderly Drinker

    A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked-after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady, (mid eighties).

    The gentleman walks over, sits alongside of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, “So tell me, do I come here often?”

    Two New Dogs

    A girl was visiting her friend who had acquired two new dogs. She asked her what their names were.

    The friend responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

    Her friend said, “Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that”?

    “Hellooooo,” she answered. “They’re watch dogs!”

    She Ain’t Easy… But…

    She’s been on her knees more times than Billy Graham.
    She’s been laid on more kitchen floors than linoleum.
    She’s done more screwing than Black and Decker.
    She’s responsible for more merry men than Robin Hood.
    She’s turned more tricks than Houdini has.
    She’s been in more motel rooms than the Bible.
    She’s been boarded more times than Amtrak.
    She’s been mounted more often than Trigger.
    She’s been involved with more animals than Marlin Perkins has.
    She’s entertained more troops than Bob Hope.’, ‘She”s been at more bedsides than Dr. Kildare has.
    She’s been turned more ways than Rubik”s Cube.
    She’s spent more time under men than barstools.
    She’s seen more traffic than the George Washington Bridge.
    She’s had more turnovers than the International House of Pancakes.
    She’s been under more sheets than the Ku Klux Klan.
    She’s had more marines land on her bed than on Iwo Jima.
    Hoover classifies her tongue as a vacuum cleaner.
    Her body has been declared a national recreation area.
    Her diaphragms come with a service contract.
    Her underwear is by Rubbermaid.
    Her pantyhose has a pet door.

    How to Shower

    How to shower like a woman:

    Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
    Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
    Look at your womanly physique in the mi rror — make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
    Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
    Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
    Wash your hair again to make sure it”s clean.
    Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
    Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
    Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair.
    Shave armpits and legs.
    Turn off shower.
    Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
    Spray mold spots with Tilex.
    Get out of shower.
    Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
    Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. ‘, ‘How to shower like a man:

    Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
    Walk naked to the bathroom.
    If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the woo-woo sound.
    Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.
    Get in the shower.
    Wash your face.
    Wash your armpits.
    Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
    Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
    Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
    Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
    Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
    Pee.
    Rinse off and get out of shower.
    Partially dry off.
    Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
    Admire wiener size in mirror again.
    Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
    Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo sound again.
    Throw wet towel on bed.

    Chicken and the Harley

    On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.

    Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the Farmer for help!

    Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.

    Running around, the chicken spied; the farmer”s new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend”s life. Back at the bog, the Horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.

    After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer”s bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful Bike, rescued the horse!’, ‘Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.

    A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!

    The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy down thing
    and he would then lift him out of the pit.

    The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, Saving his life.

    The moral of the story?
    “When You”re Hung Like A Horse, You Don”t Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks”.

    Elk Hunters

    Two hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting. They were quite successful in their venture, and bagged six big bucks. The pilot came back as arranged to pick them up.

    They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk. But the pilot objected. “The plane can take out only four of your elk; you will have to leave two behind,” he stated.

    They argued with him; the year before they had shot six and the pilot had allowed them to put all aboard, and the plane was just the same model and capacity as this.

    Reluctantly the pilot finally permitt put all six aboard.’, ‘But when they attempted to take off and leave the valley where they were, the little plane could not make it, and they crashed in the wilderness.

    Climbing out of the wreckage, one hunter said to the other, “Do you know where we are?”

    “I think so,” replied the other hunter. “I think this is about the same place where the plane crashed last year.”

    Two Guys

    These two guys meet after not having seen each other for many many years. First guy asks the second guy,

    “How have things been going?”

    The second guy speaking very slowly tells the first guy, “I w..a..s a..l..m..o..s..t m..a..r..r..i..e..d.”

    The first guy says in amazement, “Hey; you don’t stutter any more.”

    The answer comes, ” Y..e..s, I w..e..n..t t..o a d..o..c..t..o..r a..n..d h..e t..o..l..d m..e t..h..a..t i..f I s..p..e..a..k s..l..o..w..l..y I w..i..l..l n..o..t s..t..u..t..t..e..r.”‘, ‘The first friend congratulates him and than asks again about how he was almost married.

    “W..e..l..l, m..y f..i..a..n..c..e..e a..n..d I w..e..r..e s..i..t..t..i..n..g o..n h..e..r p..o..r..c..h a..n..d t..h..e d..o..g w..a..s s..c..r..a..t..c..h..i..n..g h..i..s b..a..c..k a..n..d I t..o..l..d h..e..r t..h..a..t w..h..e..n w..e a..r..e m..a..r..r..i..e..d, s..h..e c..o u l d d..o t..h..a..t f..o..r m..e a..n..d s..h..e t..h..r..e..w t..h..e r..i..n..g i..n m..y f..a..c..e..”

    “Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?” asks the first friend.

    ” W..e..l..l, I s..p..e..a..k s..o s..l..o..w..l..y, t..h..a..t b..y t..h..e t..i..m..e s..h..e
    l..o..o..k..e..d a..t t..h..e d..o..g, h..e w..a..s l..i..c..k..i..n..g h..i..s b..a..l..l..s”

    Big Island Hawaii – Creepy Photo


    Normally I wouldn’t think very much of photos like these, however in this instance I actually know the person who took the photo. He said he was on the Big Island of Hawaii and went to visit relative’s grave site. While he was there he took this photo of an unknown person’s grave. When you look at the photo you probably won’t think much of it, but if you look over the small grave you’ll see what appears to be a grey fog in the shape of a person over the grave. He told me there was no fog that day. If you zoom in on the photo you can begin to make out what looks like a face. This is the original photo that is un-doctored and unedited. Make of it what you will, but it seems a little creepy to me.

    The Pasta Diet

    The Pasta Diet
    1) You walka pasta da bakery.
    2) You walka pasta da candy store.
    3) You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.
    4) You walka pasta da table and fridge.

    And for those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on nutrition and health. It”s a relief to know the truth after all the conflicting medical studies:

    1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
    2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
    3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
    4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
    5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausage and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

    Conclusion: Eat and drink what you like. — Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

    Hillbilly Medical Terms

    Benign………………….What you be after you be eight.
    Bacteria………………..Back door to cafeteria.
    Barium…………………What you do with dead folks.
    Cesarean Section……A neighborhood in Rome.
    Catscan……………….Searching for the cat.
    Cauterize……………..Made eye contact with her.
    Colic……………………A sheep dog.
    Coma………………….A punctuation mark.
    D&C……………………Where Washington is.
    Dilate………………….To live longer than your kids do.’, ‘Enema………………Not a friend.
    Fester……………….Quicker than someone else.
    Fibula………………..A small lie.
    G.I.Series………….World Series of military baseball.
    Hangnail……………What you hang your coat on.
    Impotent……………Distinguished, well known.
    Labor Pain………….Getting hurt at work.
    Morbid……………….A higher offer than I bid.
    Nitrates……………..Cheaper than day rates.
    Medical Staff……….A Doctor”s cane, sometimes shown with a snake.
    Node…………………I knew it.
    Outpatient………….A person who has fainted.
    Pap Smear…………A fatherhood test.
    Pelvis………………..Second cousin to Elvis.
    Post Operative…….A letter carrier.
    Recovery Room……Place to do upholstery.
    Secretion……………Hiding something
    Tablet………………..A small table to change babies on.
    Seizure………………Roman emperor who lived in the Ceasarean Section.
    Terminal Illness……Getting sick at the train station.
    Tumor………………..More than one.
    Urine…………………Opposite of mine.
    Varicose…………….Near by
    Hospital……………..The biggest building in town, other than Joe”s feed warehouse or Franks lumber mill.

    Tickle Me Elmo

    There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager”s door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule. The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the two men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo”s all over the factory floor and they”re really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo”s. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

    The two men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo”s legs. The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.

    “I”m sorry,” he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, “but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday…”

    “Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.”

    The Cork…oops!

    Two Arab terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower after their bomb making class, when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his butt.

    If you do not mind me saying,” said the second, “that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why do you not take it out?”

    I regret I cannot”, lamented the first Arab. “It is permanently stuck in my butt.”

    “I do not understand,” said the other.

    The first Arab says, “I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in an American flag attire with a white beard and top hat came boiling out.

    He said, “I am Uncle Sam, the Genie. I can grant you one wish.” I said, “No shit?”

    New Pharmacology

    In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

    The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

    Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of “cocktails”, “highballs” and just a good old-fashioned “stiff drink”. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

    If you don’t send this to five old friends right away there will be five fewer people laughing in the world.

    Remember… STRESSED is just desserts spelled backwards!

    In Loving Memory of Janice Madamba. This was the last e-mail I received from her on Friday at 4:45 PM and she was killed on Saturday June 17th, 2006 at 3:45 by a driver driving down the wrong way on the freeway.

    Great One-Liners

    1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was
    God and I didn’t!
    2. I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
    3. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
    4. Some people are alive only because it”s illegal to kill them.
    5. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
    6. Don”t take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.
    7. You”re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
    8. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
    9. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
    10. Quoting one is plagiarism; quoting many is research.’, ’11. I”m not a complete idiot — some parts are missing.
    12. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
    13. Nyquil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
    14. God must love stupid people; he made so many.
    15. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
    16. It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
    17. Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
    18. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
    19. MOP AND GLOW – Floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team.
    20. Being “over the hill” is much better than being under it!
    21. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up
    22. Procrastinate Now!
    23. My Dog Can Lick Anyone
    24. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
    25. FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software.
    26. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
    27. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
    28. STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!
    30. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
    31. A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS, but it uses up three thousand
    times the memory.
    32. HAM AND EGGS – A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a
    pig.
    33. The trouble with life is there”s no background music.
    34. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.

    Why We Broke Up

    She told me we couldn’t afford beer anymore and I’d have to quit. Then I caught her spending $65.00 on make-up. I asked how come I had to give up stuff and she didn’t. She said she needed the make-up to look pretty for me. I told her that was what the beer was for.

    I don’t think she’s coming back.

    Be Careful When You Have a Fast Car, it Could Hurt

    A man goes out and buys a new Vette convertible. One night he takes it out for a spin, and stops at a red light. An old man pulls up next to him riding a mo-ped. The old man looks over the Vette and says, “What kind of car ya got there sonny?”

    The man replies, “It’s a 2000 Corvette, the best sports car in the USA; it cost me over $50,000.”

    “That’s a lot of money” says the old man. Why do they cost so much?” The man answers, “Because they can go 170 miles an hour!” The old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his mo-ped, the old man says, “That’s a pretty nice car all right!”‘, ‘Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what the car can do. He floors it, and in a few seconds the speedo reads 120 MPH. Suddenly he notices a dot in his rear view mirror that seems to be catching up to him. Afraid it might be a cop, he slows down to 65 and suddenly whhhoooosshh! Something whips by him going much faster!

    “What on earth could be going faster than this Vette?” the man asks himself. Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming towards him. Whhoooosshh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And it sorta looked like the old man on the mo-ped!

    “Couldn’t be,” thinks the guy. “How could a mo-ped outrun a Vette?”

    Then again he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whhooosshh – Blam! It plows into the back of the Vette! The man jumps out. It IS the old man! Of course, the mo-ped and the old man are in a world of hurt. The guy runs up to the old man and cries, “You’re hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?”

    The old man groans and replies, “Yes, could you please unhook my suspenders from your side mirror?”

    Anal Glaucoma

    A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.
    “What’s the matter?” he asks
    “I have a case of anal glaucoma,” she says in a weak voice.
    “What the hell is anal glaucoma?”
    “I can’t see my ass coming into work today.”