Should Children Witness Childbirth?

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry again. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, “He shouldn’t have crawled in there in the first place……smack his ass again!”

New Diet

I have a Golden retriever & I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn”t because I”d ended up in the hospital last time, but that I”d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.’, ‘I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I”d ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned, from the food. I told her no; it was because I”d been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Mexican Boarder Wall Problem Solved

Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border, take the dirt and raise the levies in New Orleans, and then put the Florida alligators into the border moat!

Any other problems you would like for me to solve?

How Do You Feel?

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: “Slim, I”m 83 years old now and I’m just full of aches and pains. I know you’re about my age. How do you feel?”

Slim says, “I feel just like a newborn baby.”

“Really!? Like a newborn baby!?”

“Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.”

Elderly Marriage

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
“So I hear you”re getting married?”
“Yep!”
“Do I know her?”
“Nope!”
“This woman, is she good looking?”
“Not really.”
“Is she a good cook?”
“Naw, she can’t cook too well.”
“Does she have lots of money?”
“Nope! Poor as a church mouse.”
“Well, then, is she good in bed?”
“I don’t know.”
“Why in the world do you want to marry her then?”
“Because she can still drive!”

Elderly Drinker

A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked-after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady, (mid eighties).

The gentleman walks over, sits alongside of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, “So tell me, do I come here often?”

Two New Dogs

A girl was visiting her friend who had acquired two new dogs. She asked her what their names were.

The friend responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, “Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that”?

“Hellooooo,” she answered. “They’re watch dogs!”

She Ain’t Easy… But…

She’s been on her knees more times than Billy Graham.
She’s been laid on more kitchen floors than linoleum.
She’s done more screwing than Black and Decker.
She’s responsible for more merry men than Robin Hood.
She’s turned more tricks than Houdini has.
She’s been in more motel rooms than the Bible.
She’s been boarded more times than Amtrak.
She’s been mounted more often than Trigger.
She’s been involved with more animals than Marlin Perkins has.
She’s entertained more troops than Bob Hope.’, ‘She”s been at more bedsides than Dr. Kildare has.
She’s been turned more ways than Rubik”s Cube.
She’s spent more time under men than barstools.
She’s seen more traffic than the George Washington Bridge.
She’s had more turnovers than the International House of Pancakes.
She’s been under more sheets than the Ku Klux Klan.
She’s had more marines land on her bed than on Iwo Jima.
Hoover classifies her tongue as a vacuum cleaner.
Her body has been declared a national recreation area.
Her diaphragms come with a service contract.
Her underwear is by Rubbermaid.
Her pantyhose has a pet door.

How to Shower

How to shower like a woman:

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mi rror — make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it”s clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mold spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. ‘, ‘How to shower like a man:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the woo-woo sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
Pee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
Admire wiener size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.

Chicken and the Harley

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.

Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the Farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.

Running around, the chicken spied; the farmer”s new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend”s life. Back at the bog, the Horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.

After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer”s bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful Bike, rescued the horse!’, ‘Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!

The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy down thing
and he would then lift him out of the pit.

The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, Saving his life.

The moral of the story?
“When You”re Hung Like A Horse, You Don”t Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks”.

Elk Hunters

Two hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting. They were quite successful in their venture, and bagged six big bucks. The pilot came back as arranged to pick them up.

They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk. But the pilot objected. “The plane can take out only four of your elk; you will have to leave two behind,” he stated.

They argued with him; the year before they had shot six and the pilot had allowed them to put all aboard, and the plane was just the same model and capacity as this.

Reluctantly the pilot finally permitt put all six aboard.’, ‘But when they attempted to take off and leave the valley where they were, the little plane could not make it, and they crashed in the wilderness.

Climbing out of the wreckage, one hunter said to the other, “Do you know where we are?”

“I think so,” replied the other hunter. “I think this is about the same place where the plane crashed last year.”

Two Guys

These two guys meet after not having seen each other for many many years. First guy asks the second guy,

“How have things been going?”

The second guy speaking very slowly tells the first guy, “I w..a..s a..l..m..o..s..t m..a..r..r..i..e..d.”

The first guy says in amazement, “Hey; you don’t stutter any more.”

The answer comes, ” Y..e..s, I w..e..n..t t..o a d..o..c..t..o..r a..n..d h..e t..o..l..d m..e t..h..a..t i..f I s..p..e..a..k s..l..o..w..l..y I w..i..l..l n..o..t s..t..u..t..t..e..r.”‘, ‘The first friend congratulates him and than asks again about how he was almost married.

“W..e..l..l, m..y f..i..a..n..c..e..e a..n..d I w..e..r..e s..i..t..t..i..n..g o..n h..e..r p..o..r..c..h a..n..d t..h..e d..o..g w..a..s s..c..r..a..t..c..h..i..n..g h..i..s b..a..c..k a..n..d I t..o..l..d h..e..r t..h..a..t w..h..e..n w..e a..r..e m..a..r..r..i..e..d, s..h..e c..o u l d d..o t..h..a..t f..o..r m..e a..n..d s..h..e t..h..r..e..w t..h..e r..i..n..g i..n m..y f..a..c..e..”

“Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?” asks the first friend.

” W..e..l..l, I s..p..e..a..k s..o s..l..o..w..l..y, t..h..a..t b..y t..h..e t..i..m..e s..h..e
l..o..o..k..e..d a..t t..h..e d..o..g, h..e w..a..s l..i..c..k..i..n..g h..i..s b..a..l..l..s”

Big Island Hawaii – Creepy Photo


Normally I wouldn’t think very much of photos like these, however in this instance I actually know the person who took the photo. He said he was on the Big Island of Hawaii and went to visit relative’s grave site. While he was there he took this photo of an unknown person’s grave. When you look at the photo you probably won’t think much of it, but if you look over the small grave you’ll see what appears to be a grey fog in the shape of a person over the grave. He told me there was no fog that day. If you zoom in on the photo you can begin to make out what looks like a face. This is the original photo that is un-doctored and unedited. Make of it what you will, but it seems a little creepy to me.

The Pasta Diet

The Pasta Diet
1) You walka pasta da bakery.
2) You walka pasta da candy store.
3) You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.
4) You walka pasta da table and fridge.

And for those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on nutrition and health. It”s a relief to know the truth after all the conflicting medical studies:

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausage and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

Conclusion: Eat and drink what you like. — Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Hillbilly Medical Terms

Benign………………….What you be after you be eight.
Bacteria………………..Back door to cafeteria.
Barium…………………What you do with dead folks.
Cesarean Section……A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan……………….Searching for the cat.
Cauterize……………..Made eye contact with her.
Colic……………………A sheep dog.
Coma………………….A punctuation mark.
D&C……………………Where Washington is.
Dilate………………….To live longer than your kids do.’, ‘Enema………………Not a friend.
Fester……………….Quicker than someone else.
Fibula………………..A small lie.
G.I.Series………….World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail……………What you hang your coat on.
Impotent……………Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain………….Getting hurt at work.
Morbid……………….A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates……………..Cheaper than day rates.
Medical Staff……….A Doctor”s cane, sometimes shown with a snake.
Node…………………I knew it.
Outpatient………….A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear…………A fatherhood test.
Pelvis………………..Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative…….A letter carrier.
Recovery Room……Place to do upholstery.
Secretion……………Hiding something
Tablet………………..A small table to change babies on.
Seizure………………Roman emperor who lived in the Ceasarean Section.
Terminal Illness……Getting sick at the train station.
Tumor………………..More than one.
Urine…………………Opposite of mine.
Varicose…………….Near by
Hospital……………..The biggest building in town, other than Joe”s feed warehouse or Franks lumber mill.

Tickle Me Elmo

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager”s door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule. The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the two men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo”s all over the factory floor and they”re really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo”s. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The two men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo”s legs. The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.

“I”m sorry,” he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, “but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday…”

“Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.”

The Cork…oops!

Two Arab terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower after their bomb making class, when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his butt.

If you do not mind me saying,” said the second, “that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why do you not take it out?”

I regret I cannot”, lamented the first Arab. “It is permanently stuck in my butt.”

“I do not understand,” said the other.

The first Arab says, “I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in an American flag attire with a white beard and top hat came boiling out.

He said, “I am Uncle Sam, the Genie. I can grant you one wish.” I said, “No shit?”

New Pharmacology

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of “cocktails”, “highballs” and just a good old-fashioned “stiff drink”. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

If you don’t send this to five old friends right away there will be five fewer people laughing in the world.

Remember… STRESSED is just desserts spelled backwards!

In Loving Memory of Janice Madamba. This was the last e-mail I received from her on Friday at 4:45 PM and she was killed on Saturday June 17th, 2006 at 3:45 by a driver driving down the wrong way on the freeway.

Great One-Liners

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was
God and I didn’t!
2. I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
4. Some people are alive only because it”s illegal to kill them.
5. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6. Don”t take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.
7. You”re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
8. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
9. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
10. Quoting one is plagiarism; quoting many is research.’, ’11. I”m not a complete idiot — some parts are missing.
12. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
13. Nyquil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
14. God must love stupid people; he made so many.
15. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
16. It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
17. Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
18. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
19. MOP AND GLOW – Floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team.
20. Being “over the hill” is much better than being under it!
21. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up
22. Procrastinate Now!
23. My Dog Can Lick Anyone
24. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
25. FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software.
26. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
27. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
28. STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!
30. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
31. A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS, but it uses up three thousand
times the memory.
32. HAM AND EGGS – A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a
pig.
33. The trouble with life is there”s no background music.
34. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.

Why We Broke Up

She told me we couldn’t afford beer anymore and I’d have to quit. Then I caught her spending $65.00 on make-up. I asked how come I had to give up stuff and she didn’t. She said she needed the make-up to look pretty for me. I told her that was what the beer was for.

I don’t think she’s coming back.

Be Careful When You Have a Fast Car, it Could Hurt

A man goes out and buys a new Vette convertible. One night he takes it out for a spin, and stops at a red light. An old man pulls up next to him riding a mo-ped. The old man looks over the Vette and says, “What kind of car ya got there sonny?”

The man replies, “It’s a 2000 Corvette, the best sports car in the USA; it cost me over $50,000.”

“That’s a lot of money” says the old man. Why do they cost so much?” The man answers, “Because they can go 170 miles an hour!” The old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his mo-ped, the old man says, “That’s a pretty nice car all right!”‘, ‘Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what the car can do. He floors it, and in a few seconds the speedo reads 120 MPH. Suddenly he notices a dot in his rear view mirror that seems to be catching up to him. Afraid it might be a cop, he slows down to 65 and suddenly whhhoooosshh! Something whips by him going much faster!

“What on earth could be going faster than this Vette?” the man asks himself. Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming towards him. Whhoooosshh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And it sorta looked like the old man on the mo-ped!

“Couldn’t be,” thinks the guy. “How could a mo-ped outrun a Vette?”

Then again he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whhooosshh – Blam! It plows into the back of the Vette! The man jumps out. It IS the old man! Of course, the mo-ped and the old man are in a world of hurt. The guy runs up to the old man and cries, “You’re hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?”

The old man groans and replies, “Yes, could you please unhook my suspenders from your side mirror?”

Anal Glaucoma

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.
“What’s the matter?” he asks
“I have a case of anal glaucoma,” she says in a weak voice.
“What the hell is anal glaucoma?”
“I can’t see my ass coming into work today.”

Why Condoms Come in Boxes of 3, 6, and 12

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, “What are these, Dad? To which the man matter-of-factly replies, “Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.” “Oh I see,” replied the boy pensively. Yes, I”ve heard of that in health class at school.”‘, ‘He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, “Why are there 3 in this package?”The dad replies, “Those are for high school boys, ONE for Friday, ONE for Saturday, and ONE for Sunday.”

“Cool” says the boy.

He notices a 6 pack and asks, “Then who are these for?” “Those are for college men,” the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday.”

“WOW!” exclaimed the boy, “then who uses THESE?” he asks, picking up a 12 pack.

With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, “Those are for married men. ONE for January, ONE for February, ONE for March…..”

In The Closet

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman”s husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.’, ‘The little boy says, “Dark in here.”
The man says, “Yes, it is.”

Boy – “I have a baseball.”
Man – “That”s nice.”

Boy – “Want to buy it?”
Man – “No, thanks.”

Boy – “My dad”s outside.”
Man – “OK, how much?”

Boy – “$150”
Man – “Sold.”

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy – “Dark in here.”
Man – “Yes, it is.”

Boy – “I have a Wilson infielder”s glove.”
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, “How much?”

Boy – “$350”
Man – “That”s Highway robbery. Sold.”

A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your gloves, let”s go outside and have a game of catch.” The boy says, “I can”t, I sold my ball and my glove.” The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?” The boy says, “$500″The father says, “That”s terrible to overcharge your friends like that … that is way more than those two things cost. I”m going To take you to church and make you confess your greed.” They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, “Dark in here.”The priest says, “Don”t start that shit again, you”re in MY closet now.”

A Boy, A Man & A Donkey

An old man, a boy & a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey & the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking & the boy was riding. The man & boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions. Later, they passed some people that remarked, “What a shame, he makes that little boy walk.” They then decided they both would walk!’, ‘Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey. Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey. The boy & man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey. As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal & he fell into the river and drowned. The moral of the story? If you try to please everyone, you might as well…Kiss your ass good-bye.

Daddy’s Gonna Eat Your Fingers

This one is for all of you who:
a) have kids
b) had kids
c) was a kid
d) know a kid!’, ‘As I was packing for my business trip, my 3-year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said…. “Daddy look at this,” and she stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, “Daddy’s gonna eat your fingers!” pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.

When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, “What’s wrong, honey?”

She replied, “What happened to my booger?

Strange Buzzing Noise

As a woman passes her daughter”s closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter giving herself a real workout with vibrator.

Shocked, she asked, “What in the world are you doing?”

The daughter replied, “Mom, I”m thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I”ll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.”‘, ‘The next day, the girl”s father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.

To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said, “Dad, I”m thrity-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I”ll ever get to a husband. Please go away and leave me alone.”

A couple of days later the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen table and heard a buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the T.V. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.

The wife asked, “What the hell are you doing?”

The husband replied, “I”m watching football with my son in law.”

The $1000 Bet

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1,000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.), but nobody could do it.’, ‘One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, “I”d like to try the bet.”

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said okay, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd”s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1,000, and asked the little man, “What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?”

The man replied, “I work for the IRS.

Advantages and Disadvantages of Network Topologies

Different network topologies have different advantages and disadvantages. A bus network topology is nice because it is simple and cheap, however it has its limitations. On a bus topology you are limited to the number of hosts you can place on a single bus. A ring topology can be beneficial because it provides redundancy, however if more than one node along the bus goes down, this will break the ring and can seriously impact the functionality. A star topology can easily be deployed, but once again, if the node or hub in the center of that star goes down, then each host off that connection will be isolated. A mesh topology would be the most ideal topology for larger networks, however it is more expensive and can be more difficult to deploy since there will be more connections needed for the infrastructure. Another advantage of a mesh topology is the redundancy the infrastructure provides. As you can see, there are advantages and disadvantages of each network topology and each type of topology has its place of where it should be deployed.

There are many different types of networking standards that were developed to ensure there is a certain degree of development standardization, stability and availability among networks. Cable standards are there to ensure that the type of physical media being used is rated for the distance and speeds it can handle before degradation begins. Wireless standards (IEEE 802.11 and 802.15 standards) were developed to ensure there is a certain degree of access and ensuring communication between systems over a wireless connection. The IEEE 802.3 LAN/MAN/CMSA/CD standard was developed to ensure there are an access method, physical layer specifications, and network management specifications. Some standards are to ensure the smooth evolution and development of the internet, such as the function of the Internet Engineering Task Force. No matter what the standard is, the standardization process provides guidelines for all to follow to ensure devices will work with each other.

Networking protocols are how different devices are able to communicate with each other. The most widely used internet protocol used today for network equipment to talk with each other is TCP/IP. Currently when using TCP/IP the most widely used version is internet protocol version 4, which is 32 bit. IPv4 has met the needs of the internet until recent years. IPv4 is restricted by the number of unique IP addresses are available for the whole Internet to use, that number being 4,294,967,296. IPv6 is the next version that will be coming out, which expands on IPv4 and provides many more IP addresses to be used and seems to have a limitless number of IP addresses due to it being 128 bit. Even though a device is physically connected to a network and has met standards, without network protocols the device will not be able to communicate with other devices on that network.

When devices on a network use protocols to communicate with each other, access methods are used to determine which device is able to transmit or receive at a time without interfering with other devices. Carrier sense multiple access (CSMA) performs this function by a device determining if it sees a carrier on the media, if the host sees a carrier it knows not to transmit, but if it does not then the host can transmit it’s data. There are two types of CSMA one being collision avoidance and the other being collision detection. With collision avoidance, devices try to determine when a collision might occur and then they don’t transmit during that time. With collision detection, two devices sense there is nothing being transmitted and then they transmit at the same time and a collision occurs. Both devices then wait for a random amount of time before they retransmit. Another access method is token passing, token passing method works by simply a token being passed around and whoever holds the token is allowed to transmit. No matter what access method is used, this is how devices are able to share media and determine that every device is not trying to transmit at the same time.

Networks are connected to other networks by various different methods. Networks can be interconnected by different ways of transmission, some of those methods are satellite, microwave, high frequency, integrated digital switched network, Ethernet, thicknet, thinnet, token ring, asynchronous transfer mode, etc. The means of how these networks are connected may impact what types of network interfaces we use to communicate with the networks. For example: if thicknet (Coaxial cable) is used for the network, then the host would definitely need a BNC connector to interface with the network. If ATM is used, more than likely a fiber optic NIC would need to be utilized to talk on the ATM network. Networks are connected to each other in various different way, depending on what method is used to interconnect networks may impact what network interfaces are needed to connect to different media types.

In conclusion, there are many different ways a network can be designed, connected, and accessed based upon different standards. Different topologies can be used to provide a layout for different networks. Each individual network adheres to different networking standards. Depending on the type of network, different methods can be used for accessing the network and in turn different types of media may be used to connect these networks.

References:
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http://www.linktionary.com/a/access_method.html

Management 101

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office…..but she belonged to someone else. One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said I’ll give you a 1000 dollars if you let me screw you….but the girl said no. Johnny said I’ll be fast, I’ll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, I’ll be finished by the time you pick it up. She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend…..so she called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says ask him for 2,000 dollars and then pick up the money really fast, he won’t even have time to get his pants down. So she agrees and accepts the proposal.

Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened……She said, “The bastard used quarters!”

Management Lesson: Always consider a business proposal in its entirety.

Texas Drinking Rules

A Mexican drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, “In Mexico our glass is so cheap we don’t need to drink from the same glass twice.”

An Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his AK-47 and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, “In Iraq we have so much sand to make glasses that we don”t need to drink out of the same glass twice either.

Then Dick Cheney, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the Mexican and the Iraqi, and catches his glass. He says, “In America we have so many illegal Mexicans and Arabs that we don’t have to drink with the same ones twice.”