An Indian With One Testicle

There once was a Red Indian whose given name was “Onestone”. So named because he had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, “If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!” The word got around and nobody called him that any more.’, ‘Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, “Good morning, Onestone.” He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years.

Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird’s cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, “Good to see you, Onestone.”

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn”t die!

And the moral is…You can”t kill two birds with one stone!!

More Rejected Titles for Brokeback Mountain

Oklahomo
High Nooner
The Magifient Seven Inches
Jeremiah’s Johnson
Polesmoke
Butch Assidy and the Bundance Kid
How the West Was Hung
The Legend of the Long Ranger
Doc’s Holiday With Billy the Kid
Very Raw Hide
Lonesome Doug
A Fistful of Ned
Hi, Plains Drifter!
Quickly Down Under
Bareback Mounting
Bone-nanza
Don’t Mess With Tex’ass
Home on the Ranger
Rooster Cockburn
Prances with Wolves
Baloney Pony Rodeo
Tubesteak Cowboys

Chinaman’s Hat – Oahu, Hawaii


Today I was driving around the island and I decided to stop and take another photo of Chinaman’s hat from the viewpoint of Oahu, Hawaii. Here is the picture from that.

Short Harley Davidson Jokes

Have you heard about the new Harley-Davidson beer?
You put it in your fridge and it leaks overnight.

Harley-Davidson: The most efficient way to convert gasoline into noise without the adverse side effect of horsepower.

Is it true that Harleys are chick magnets?
Yes, but only if the chick has a steel plate in her head.

What’s the cheapest way to get another 50hp from your Harley?
Trade it in on a Suzuki.

Why don’t Harley riders sit on their bikes when the kickstands are down?
They”re afraid to lean over that far.’, ‘What’s the difference between a Harley and a Harley owner’s home?
The Harley costs more and has fewer wheels.

How do you now you’re riding a Harley?
While coming off an exit-ramp you get passed by a Vespa.

Why don’t Harley riders wave at sport bike riders?
Because they don’t want to drop their tools.

How do you know all the aftermarket parts you bought for your Harley are worth the money?
You finally break into the 15’s in the quarter mile.

How do Harley engineers tell if a bike is worthy of the Harley name?
They check to make sure the exhaust noise in decibels exceeds the horsepower rating.

Why don’t Harley owners smile?
Once you realized you got conned into paying $25,000 for an outdated piece of $#!+ would you be smiling?

Why do Harleys have fringe?
So you can tell if they’re moving.

How is a Harley Davidson like an old dog?
They both like to ride in the back of pickup trucks.

How do you know your Harley is handling great?
You can almost keep up with the logging trucks when you’re riding in the canyons.

What is the difference between a Harley Davidson and an old dog?
The dog can get in the back of the pickup by itself.

What”s the difference between a Harley taken to Daytona on a trailer and one that”s being ridden there?
The one on the trailer is going about 30mph faster.

Why do all Harley owners have trailers?
So they can go around corners faster!

You know you’re a Harley rider if…
…you’re unable to let your bike simply IDLE at a stop light.
…you confuse the word “character” with the more accurate term “engineering flaws.”
…”water cooled” means standing on the side of the road, in the rain, waiting for a wrecker.

Rejected Titles for Brokeback Mountain


10. Bone-anza
9. Way Out West Hollywood
8. Young Buns II: Blaze of Glory Holes
7. Prances With Wolves
6. Westward Homo
5. Bi Noon
4. Male Rider / Tail Rider / Pole Rider (tie)
3. McCabe & Mr. Miller
2. Rawhides
1. Blazing Saddles

‘, ‘Next ten:

10. “Not-That-There”s-Anything-Wrong-With-That Mountain”
9. “How The West Was Hung”
8. “Little Bathhouse on the Prairie”
7. “For a Few Dollars More We Can Make It a Threesome”
6. “Go West, Young Man…Now South..A Little More To The South… Oh God, Yes! Right There!”
5. “Clint Eastwood”s Nightmare”
4. “The Good, The Bad and The Fabulous!”
3. “Broke My Back Mounting Him”
2. “Oklahomo”
1. “Fun With Dick In James”

Last ten:

10. “The Good, The Bad And The Hunky”
9. “How The West Was Redecorated”
8. “The Adventures Of Frank And Jesse And James”
7. “Seven Brothers For Seven Brothers”
6. “Butch Cassidy And The Even Butcher Sundance Kid”
5. “Rio Lesbo”
4. “Dances with Men”
3. “The Magnificent Seven Inches”
2. “Go West, Young Man…Now South… A Little More To The South… Oh, Yes! Right There!”
1. “A Fistful Of Wild Bill”

What begins with “F” and ends with “K”

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, “Harry, what”s your problem?”

Harry answered, “I”m too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I”m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!”

Ms Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal”s office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.’, ‘Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: “What is 3 x 3?”

Harry: “9.”

Principal: “What is 6 x 6?”

Harry: “36.”

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, “I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.”

Ms Brooks says to the principal, “Let me ask him some questions.”

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms Brooks asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?”

Harry, after a moment: “Legs.”

Ms Brooks: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?”

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: “Pockets.”

Ms Brooks: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?”

Harry: “Pants.”

Ms Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?”

Harry: “Coconut.”

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms Brooks: “What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?”

The principal”s eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, “Bubble gum.”

Ms Brooks: “What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a
dog does on three legs?”

Harry: “Shake hands.”

The principal was trembling.

Ms Brooks: “What word starts with an ”F” and ends in ”K” that means a lot of heat and excitement?”

Harry: “Firetruck.”

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, “Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.

G.W. Bush Intelligence

After numerous rounds of “We don”t know if Osama is still alive,” Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of coded message:

370HSSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he E-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA. With no clue as to its meaning they eventually asked Britain”s MI-6 for help. Within a minute MI-6 cabled the White House with this reply:

“Tell the President he”s holding the message upside down.”

Good Enough?

At the movie theater a man noticed a young woman sitting all by herself. He was excited to see she had both hands under her skirt and was frigging herself furiously.

He moved to the next seat to her and offered his help. She agreed, and the man started fingering her like crazy. When he tired and withdrew his hand, he was surprised to see her go back to work on herself with both hands. Wasn’t I good enough?” he asked sheepishly.

You were great,” she said, but these crabs are still itching!”

New Postage Stamp

The US Postal Service created a stamp with a picture of Senator Hillary Clinton to honor her achievements as the First Lady of our nation. In daily use it was shown that the stamp was not sticking to envelopes. This enraged Senator Clinton, who demanded a full investigation. After a month of testing, a special presidential commission made the following findings:

* The stamp was in perfect order.
* There was nothing wrong with the applied adhesive.
* People were spitting on the wrong side.

Old Cow

Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road in New York State one evening when an ancient cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn’t – the aged bovine was struck and killed. Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. She stayed in the car making phone calls to lobbyists.

About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a rare, huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.

“What happened to you?”, asked Hillary?

“Well,” the driver replied, “The farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made made passionate love to me.”

“My God, what did you tell them?” asked Hillary.

The driver replied : “I just stepped inside the door and said, I’m Hillary Clinton’s driver and I’ve just killed the old cow. The rest happened like lightning!”

Brokeback Mountain?

A rugged cowboy from Brokeback Mountain, Wyoming, goes into the doctor’s office and has some tests run. The doctor comes back and says, “I am not going to beat around the bush. You have AIDS.” The cowboy tugs at his Stetson and sets his jaw and asks, “Doc, what can I do?” The doctor replies, “I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, half a box of Grapenuts cereal, and top it all off with a gallon of prune juice.” The cowboy squares his rugged shoulders and asks, “Will that cure me, Doc?” The doctor says, “No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ass is for.

4th Graders

One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up — fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth. Little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, “My father’s an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and make love with him for money.”‘, ‘The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises, then took little Justin aside to ask him, “Is that really true about your father?”

“No,” the boy said, “He works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to secure the Nomination of Hillary Clinton in 2008, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids.

Dead Mule in the Churchyard….

A Pastor went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule in the church yard He telephoned the police. Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the Pastor to the Health Department.

They explained, “Since there was no health threat, you”ll need to call the Sanitation Department.”

When the pastor called the Sanitation Department, the Manager of the Sanitation Department said, “I can”t pick up that dead mule without authorization from the mayor.” The Pastor was not at all too eager to call the mayor, who possessed a very bad temper and was always extremely unpleasant and hard to deal with, but, eventually, the Pastor called the mayor anyway.

The mayor did not disappoint the Pastor. The mayor immediately began to rant and rave. After his continued rant at the pastor, the mayor finally said, “Why did you call me any way? Isn”t it your job to bury the dead?”

The pastor paused for a brief prayer, and asked the Lord to direct his response.

The lord led the pastor to the words he was seeking, “Well Yes, Mayor, it IS my job to bury the dead, but I always like to notify the next of kin first!

Never Lie to Momma

Mrs. Gonzalez comes to visit her son Jose for dinner. Jose lives with a female roommate, Maria. During the course of the meal, Mama can’t help but notice how pretty Jose’s roommate is. She had long been suspicious of the relationship between the two, and this made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between her son, Jose and his roommate than meets the eye. Reading his Mom’s thoughts, Jose volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Mama, Maria and I are just roommates.”

About a week later, Maria comes to Jose saying, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don’t suppose she took it, do you?” “Well, I doubt it, but I’ll e-mail her, just to be sure.” So he sends his Mom an email:’, ‘Dear Mama,
I’m not saying that you took the sugar bowl from my house, and I’m not saying that you didn’t take it.
But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Jose

Several days later, Jose receives an email response from his Mama:

Mijo,
I’m not saying that you ”do” sleep with Maria, and I’m not saying that you ”do not” sleep with her.
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
Love, Mama

Safari Speedup

Did you know that in OS X if you want Safari to load faster, there are a couple tricks you can do in order for Safari to speed up? The first thing you should do is empty your cache. You can do this by going to your preferences, choose Safari and then click on empty cache. The next thing you should do is clear your history. This can be accomplished by clicking on history in your menu selection and then choose the option at the bottom which is, clear history. One other thing you can do to speed up Safari is by turning off the auto fill option. In order to do this you go to preferences, and then select the auto fill pane. Once you are there you can ensure the user names and passwords or other forms, is unchecked. By doing these little steps you are ensuring Safari isnt storing data that you dont need it to and will speed up the loading process.

Reference: March 2006, Macworld Magazine page 52.

Admiral Introductions

Three men are sitting stiffly side by side on a long commercial flight. After they’re airborne and the plane has leveled off, the man in the window seat abruptly says, distinctly and confidently, in a loud voice, “Admiral, United States Navy, retired. Married, two sons, both surgeons.”

After a few minutes the man in the aisle seat states through a tight lipped smile, “Admiral, United States Coast Guard, retired. Married, two sons, both Judges.”

After some thought, the fellow in the center seat decides to introduce himself. With a twinkle in his eye he proclaims, “Master Chief Gunnery Sergeant, United States Marines, retired. Never married, two sons, both Admirals.

Crusty Old Naval Chief

“Well,” snarled the tough old Navy chief to the bewildered seaman, “I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you’ll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and “P” on my grave.”

“Not me, Chief!” the seaman replied. “Once I get out of the Navy, I’m never going to stand in line again!”

Air Force Members Getting Shaved

An Air Force chief master sergeant and a general officer were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces. The general shouted, “Hey, don’t put that stuff on me! My wife will think I’ve been in a whorehouse!”

The chief turned to his barber and said, “Go ahead and put it on me. My wife doesn’t know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.”

Filing Taxes

A woman walks into her accountant’s office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says: “Before we begin, I’ll need to ask you a few questions.” He gets her name, address, social security number, etc, and then asks, “What is your occupation?”

“I’m a whore,” she says.

The accountant balks and says, “No, No, No, that won’t work. That is too gross. Let’s try to rephrase that.”

The woman says, “OK., I’m a high-end call girl.”

“No, that is still too crude. Try again.”

They both think for a minute, then the woman says, “I’m an elite chicken farmer.”

The accountant asks, “What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore & call girl? “Well, I raised over a thousand little peckers last year.”

He replies: “Good enough.”

New prescription?

Do you have feelings of inadequacy? Do you suffer from shyness? Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Tequila.

Tequila is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. Tequila can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you”re ready and willing to do just about anything. You will notice the benefits of Tequila almost immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, and you will discover many talents you never knew you had Stop hiding and start living, with Tequila. ‘, ‘Tequila may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Tequila. However, women who wouldn”t mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it. Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

Holy Bathroom Light

An 80-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, “George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”

George replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he”s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! the light goes on. When I”m done, poof! the light goes off.”

“Wow, that”s incredible,” the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls George”s wife. “Ethel,” he says, “George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I”m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he”s done, poof! the light goes off?”

“Oh my God!” Ethel exclaims. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”

Two Fleas

Two fleas had an arrangement to meet every winter in Miami for a vacation.
Last year when one flea gets to Miami, he”s shivering and shaking.

The other flea asks him, “Why are you shaking so badly?”

The first flea says, “I rode down here from New Jersey in the mustache of a guy on a Harley.”

The other flea responds saying,” That”s the worst way to travel. Try what I do. Go to the New Jersey airport bar. Have a few drinks. While you are there, look for a nice stewardess. Crawl up her leg and nestle in where it”s warm and cozy. It”s the best way to travel that I can think of.”

The first flea thanks the second flea and says he will give it a try next winter.
A year goes by….. When the first flea shows up in Miami he is shivering and shaking again.

The second flea says, “Didn”t you try what I told you?”

“Yes,” says the first flea, “I did exactly as you said. I went to the New Jersey airport bar. I had a few drinks. Finally, this nice young stewardess came in. I crawled right up to her warm cozy spot. It was so nice and warm that I fell asleep. When I woke up, I was back in the mustache of a guy on a Harley.

500 dollars

A woman was walking down the street when she was approached by a man.

The man said, “I want to have sex with you right now! I’ll drop 500 dollars on the ground at your feet and in the time it takes for you to pick it up I will screw you from behind and be on my way!”

The woman thought it over and told the man to wait a minute. She called her girlfriend on her cell phone and told her about the man’s proposition.

Her girlfriend said ” When he drops the $500 on the ground I’m sure you can pick it up and run before he gets his pants down. Call me back and tell me what happened.”

An hour and a half later the lady called her girlfriend back. “What happened?” the girlfriend asked.

The lady said “That Son-Of-A-bitch had $500 in quarters.”

Plastic Garbage Bags

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There’s a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her….”Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag…”
“Damn!” says the little old lady…..”I’d better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!”
“Well, now, not so fast,” says the cop. “How did you get all that money?” ” Did you steal it?”
“Oh, no”, says the little old lady. “You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium.
Each time there’s a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!”
“So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes!”
“Hey, not a bad idea!” laughs the cop. “OK, good luck! By the way, what’s in the other bag?”
“Well”, says the little old lady, “not all of them pay.”

Rectum Stretcher

While she was “flying” down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, “What’s your hurry?”
To which she replied, “I’m late for work.”
“Oh yeah,” said the cop, “what do you do?”
I’m a rectum stretcher,” she responded.
The cop stammered, “A what ?
A rectum stretcher?
And just what does a rectum stretcher do?”
“Well,” she said, “I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it’s about 6 feet wide.”
“And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?” he asked.
“You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge…”‘, ‘Traffic Ticket $95.00
Court Costs $45.00
Look on the Cop’s Face……………PRICELESS

8 Ways to Determine A Gay Guy

1. If you are over thirty and you have a washboard stomach, you are gay. It means you haven’t sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet.

2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaming homo. A cat is like a dog, but gay – it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog…. “Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here, Killer!” Now think about how you call a cat…”Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!” Jeeezus, you’re fit to be framed, you’re so gay.

3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on bar-b-que ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish guts, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and you are in training to suck El Dicko and undeniably gay.

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man’s world is his bathroom; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.

5. If you drink decaf coffee with skim milk, you like a high hard one in the poop chute. Coffee is to be had strong, black, and full aroma. A straight man will never be heard ordering a “Decaf Cafe Latte with Skim” and he will never, ever know what artificial sweetener tastes like. If you’ve had NutraSweet in your mouth, you’ve had a man there, too.

6. If you know more than six names of colors, or four different types of dessert, you might as well be handing out free passes to your ass. A real man doesn’t have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap as well as all the names of all the players in the Major league, NFL, NBA, college ball, PGA and NASCAR. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what a “fressier” is you’re gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than denim, you are most certainly gay.

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you’re dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-ass driver or to cut the punk off. The rest of the time he needs
that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, hold his beer, or play with his little soldier in the passenger seat.

8. If you enjoy romantic comedies or French films, mon-frere, vous le Gay, oui? The only time it is acceptable to watch one of those is with a woman who knows how to reward her man.

Kids Say the Darndest Things

Jack (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: “Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?”

Melanie (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn’t remember any more. Melanie said, “If you don”t remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.”

Steven (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom goodnight. “I love you so much, that when you die I’m going to bury you outside my bedroom window.”

Brittany (age 4) had an earache and wanted a painkiller. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a childproof cap and she”d have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: “How does it know it”s me?

Susan (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. “Please don’t give me this juice again,” she said, “It makes my teeth cough.”

D I (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: “How much do I cost?”

Marc (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: “Why is he whispering in her mouth?”

Clinton (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, “I don’t know what”ll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?”

James (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: “The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.” Concerned, James asked: “What happened to the flea?”

Tammy (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for awhile and then asked, “Why doesn’t your skin fit your face?

The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget….this particular Sunday sermon…”Dear Lord,” the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. “Without you, we are but dust.” He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter (who was listening!) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, “Mom, what is butt dust?”

Yearly visit to the Doctor

I went into my proctologist’s office for my first rectal exam. His new nurse, Elaine, took me to an examining room and told me to get undressed and have a seat until the doctor could see me.

She said that he would only be a few minutes.

After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down.

While waiting I observed that there were three items on a stand next to
the exam table:

1. a Tube of K-Y jelly
2. a rubber glove
3. and a beer.

When the doctor finally came in I said, “Look Doc, I”m a little confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?”

At that Doctor Paul became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. He flung the door open and yelled to his nurse…….

Darn it ELAINE!!!!!!!!!!!

I said a BUTT LIGHT”

The Marine

A Marine was attending a college course between missions in Iraq and Afghanistan. The professor, an avowed atheist, shocked the class one day when he walked in, looked toward the ceiling, and said loudly, “God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I’ll give you exactly 15 minutes.” The lecture room fell silent and the professor began his lecture. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, “Here I am God – still waiting.” It got down to the last minute when the Marine stood up, walked toward the professor and threw his best punch knocking him off the platform and out cold. The Marine went back to his seat and sat down. The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence.

The professor came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, “What is the matter with you? Why did you do that?” The Marine calmly replied, “God is busy today protecting America’s soldiers who are protecting your right to behave like an idiot, so He sent me.

Happy New Year!

We here at The Kumachan would like to wish each and every one of you a Happy New Year! We hope this upcoming year will bring you many fortunes and new endeavors.

The Kumachan Staff

Chinaman’s Hat – Oahu, Hawaii


Today I drove by Chinaman’s hat on the island of Oahu, Hawaii. If you ever get a chance to check it out, this place is beautiful.