A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. She says to the clerk, “May I have 50 Christmas stamps? ”
The clerk says, “What denomination? ”
The blonde says, “Heaven help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists.”
A doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills.
‘, “Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?” “Yes, they help me sleep at night.” “Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!” She reached out and patted the young Doctor’s knee. “Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks……………………………. And believe me, it helps me sleep at night.”
1. That farm boy you see at the gas station did more work before
breakfast than you do all week at the gym.
2. It”s called a “gravel road. ” No matter how slow you drive, you”re
going to get dust on your Navigator. Drive it or get out of the way.
3. The red dirt — it”s called clay. Red clay. If you like the color
don”t wash your car for a couple weeks — it”ll be permanent.
4. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old.
Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.
5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don”t cry to us if a
flathead breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little
13-inch trout you fish for — bait.
6. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.
7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making
their final approach, we will shoot it. You might want to ensure it”s not up
to your ear at the time.
8. No, there”s no “Vegetarian Special” on the menu. Order steak.
Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef”s Salad and pick off the two
pounds of ham and turkey.
9. Tea – yeah, we have tea. It comes in a glass over ice and is
sweet. You want it hot — sit it in the sun. You want it unsweetened — add
a lot of water.
10. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served
over ice.’, ‘
11. So you have a sixty thousand-dollar car. We”re real impressed. We
have a quarter of a million-dollar combine that we only use two weeks a
year.
12. Let”s get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop
when it”s red. We may even stop when it”s yellow.
13. We eat dinner together with our families. We pray before we eat
(yeah, even breakfast). We go to church on Wednesdays and Sundays and we go
to high school football games on Friday nights. We still address our seniors
with “yes, sir” and “yes, ma”am, ” and we sometimes still take Sunday drives
around town to see friends and neighbors.
14. We don”t do “hurry up” well.
15. Greens – yeah, we have greens, but you don”t putt on them. You
boil them with salty fatback, bacon or a ham hock.
16. Yeah, we eat catfish, bass, bream and carp. You really want sushi
and caviar? It”s available at the bait shop.
17. They are pigs. That”s what they smell like. Get over it. Don”t
like it? Interstate 85 goes two ways – Interstate 40 goes the other two.
Pick one.
18. Grits are corn. You put butter, salt, and maybe even some pepper
on them. If you want to put milk and sugar on them, then you want Cream of
Wheat – go to Kansas. That would be I-40 west.
19. The “Opener” refers to the first day of deer season or dove
season. Both are holidays. You can get pancakes, cane syrup, and sausage
before daylight at the church on either day.
20. So every person in every pickup waves? Yeah, it”s called being
friendly. Understand the concept?
21. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don”t hit in the water hazards. It
spooks the fish and bothers the gators – and if you hit it in the rough, we
have these things called diamondbacks, and they”re not baseball players.
22. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving
like an idiot — his name is “Sir, ” no matter how young he is.
23. We have lots of pine trees. They have sap. It drips from them. You
park your Navigator under them, and they”ll leave a logo on your hood.
24. You burn an American flag in our state, you get beat up. No
questions. The liberal contingent of our state legislature — all four of
them — enacted a measure to stop this. There is now a $2. 50 fine for
beating up the flag burner.
25. No, we don”t care how you do things up North. If it is so great
up there, why not visit a Northern state or stay there? And no, down here,
we don”t have an accent, you do.
Twas the night before Christmas–Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!
I’ve busted my ass for damn near a year,
Instead of “Thanks Santa”–what do I hear?
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night.
The elves want more money–The reindeer all fight.
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from the IRS sent me a letter,
They say I owe taxes–if that ain’t damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?
And the kids these days–they all are the pits
They want the impossible–Those mean little shits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls…Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo’s–No request for them,
They want computers and robots…they think – I’m IBM!
Flying through the air…dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I’m quitting this job there’s just no enjoyment
I’ll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.
There’s no Christmas this year now you know the reason,
I found me a blonde. I’m going SOUTH for the season.
They enjoyed each other’s company very much and at the end of the evening. Sharon invited Jim to her place, where they quickly got involved in a very passionate and energetic session in bed together. Finally, tired and satisfied, they both lay back in the bed and snuggled up close to each other. After a short while, Sharon began tenderly stroking Jim’s manhood. Surprised but appreciative, Jim comments, “Surely you can’t be ready for more already?” Sharon replies, “No, but every now and then I get a bit nostalgic, and I miss the days when I had my own.
Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales began.
The first said, “I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands.”
The second can’t stand to be bested, “Why that’s nothing. I was out walkin” on the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that critter with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I’m still here today.”
The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his dick.
When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, they took the astronauts to a Navajo reservation in Arizona for training. One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew walking among the rocks. The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question. His son translated for the NASA people: “What are these guys in the big suits doing?” One of the astronauts said they were practicing for a trip to the moon. When the son relayed this comment, the Navajo elder got all excited and asked if it would be possible to give the astronauts a message to deliver to the moon.
Recognizing a promotional opportunity, a NASA official accompanying the astronauts said, “Why certainly!” and told an underling to get a tape recorder. The Navajo elder’s comments into the microphone were brief. The NASA official asked the son to translate what his father had said. The son listened to the recording and laughed uproariously. But he refused to translate. So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo village and played it for other members of the tribe. They too laughed long and loudly but also refused to translate the elder’s message to the moon. An official government translator was summoned.
After he finally stopped laughing, the translator relayed the message: “WATCH OUT FOR THESE ASSHOLES. THEY HAVE COME TO STEAL YOUR LAND.”
Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other, “you know, I don’t know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we’ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get into the driveway, shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before going into the house, sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, ease into bed, and my wife still wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!”‘, ‘His buddy looks at him and says, “Well, you are probably taking the wrong approach. I screeched into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say “You as horny as I am?” and she always acts like she’s sound asleep.
A young lady visited the government matchmaker for marriage & said, “I am looking for a spouse. Can you please help me find a suitable one?” The marriage officer said, “Your requirements, please.” ” Well, let me see…needs to be good-looking, polite, humorous, sporty, knowledgeable, good singing and dancing….willing to accompany me the whole day at home during my leisure hour, if I don’t go out….telling me interesting stories when I need a companion for conversation and be silent when I want to rest.” The officer listened carefully and replied. “I understand. You need a television.”
While passing through the Bangkok airport I took these photos of these statues showing a bit of Thai culture.
Drove over to the north shore on Oahu, Hawaii today and went to the polynesian cultural center located in Laie. This place is a fun place to learn about Polynesia and learn about what makes up Polynesia and where the people originally came from and what is unique about each culture and what makes them different. It’s a really cool experience if you ever get the chance to go. Here are some of the photos I took of this event.
Monday night football resulted with the Washington Redskins beating the Dallas Cowboys 14-13. Now not to much surprise this really wasn’t an exciting game. This game seemed to have a combination of strong defenses and conservative play calling that led to the non exciting performances, not to mention the temperature on the field of play was about 100 degree F. Basically to sum up the game Dallas scored a field goal in the 2nd quarter. The score at halftime was 3-0 Dallas was up. Then in the opening minutes of the 3rd quarter Dallas came out to score a quick touchdown. In the 4th quarter Dallas scored another field goal and then with about 4 minutes left in the game the Redskins scored their 1st touchdown on a 39 yard pass from Mark Brunell to Santana Moss and then with 3 minutes and 46 seconds left the Redskins scored on a 79 yard pass from Brunell to Moss. It was awesome to see the Redskins beat the Cowboys, but the performance in their offense needs to definitely step up their game.
Here I was on a boat taking a photo of a sunsetting over the west side of the Hawaiian Island of Oahu.
Your age by chocolate math’, ‘Work this out as you read …
Be sure you don”t read the bottom until you”ve worked it out!
This is not one of those waste of time things, it”s fun.
1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have chocolate
(more than once but less than 10)
2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)
3. Add 5
4. Multiply it by 50 — I”ll wait while you get the calculator .
5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1755 ….
If you haven”t, add 1754.
6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.
You should have a three digit number .
The first digit of this was your original number
(i.e., how many times you want to have chocolate each week).
The next two numbers are
YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it is!!!!!)
From the wonderful world of Toronto Canada comes this lovely joke called, “The TRUTH about Barbecuing”‘, ‘Barbecuing is the only type of cooking a real man will do. When a man declares he will BBQ the following chain of events is put into motion:
1.) The woman goes to the store and buys everything.
2.) The woman makes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
3.) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, beer in hand.
4.) The man places the meat on the grill.
5.) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
6.) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He
thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.
7.) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
8.) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
9.) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
10.) Everyone praises man and thanks him for his cooking efforts.
11.) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed; her night off. And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there”s just no pleasing a woman.
The Englishman’s wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to
place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. “Good God, woman! Why aren’t you wearing any knickers?” her husband demanded. “Well, you don’t give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.” The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, “For the sake of decency, here’s 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear.”
Next, the Irishman’s wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her
skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies. “Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You’ve no knickers. Why not?” She replies, “I can’t afford any on the money you give me.” He reaches into his pocket and says, “For the sake of decency, here’s 20. Go and buy some underwear!”
Lastly, the Scotsman’s wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. “Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where thefrig are yer drawers?” She too explains, “You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.” The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, “Well, fer the love ‘o Jaysus, ‘n the sake of decency, here’s a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit.
Think about this: Doctors:
(A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000.
(B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000.
(C) Accidental deaths per physician are 0.171.
Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of Health Human Services
Now think about this: Guns:
(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000. (Yes, that”s 80 million.)
(B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500.
(C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .000188.
Statistics courtesy of FBI
So statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.
Remember, “Guns don”t kill people, doctors do.”
FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR.
Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!!!!!
Out of concern for the public at large, I have withheld the statistics on lawyers for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention.
A concerned citizen?
Saturday was the football game where the number 1 University of Southern California played the University of Hawaii. It was well known that the game was not going to be close and that was predicted by a 35 point spread for those gambling people. USC had most of their returning players, while the UH football team lost 30 of it”s players last year. UH did however pick up Jerry Glandville to compliment June Jones coaching.’, ‘The disappointing factor of this game was that there seemed to be no overwhelming dominance by USC. Granted USC scored 63 points by the end of the game, but the spark of excitement in the Aloha stadium just seemed to be lacking. An estimated total of 15,000 USC fans attended the game and the game was televised. The overwhelming size difference between the USC and UH players was definitely a big factor.
All in all the game was fun to go tailgate and watch, but there just seemed to be some lacking excitement. That was probably due to Hawaii knowing they were defeated prior to opening kickoff.
1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
2. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
3. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don”t hate it.
4. Dogs don”t notice if you call them by another dog”s name.
5. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
6. A dog”s parents never visit.
7. Dogs do not hate their bodies.
8. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
9. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or desk.
10. Dogs seldom outlive you.
11. Dogs can”t talk.
12. You never have to wait for a dog; they”re ready to go 24 hours a day.
13. Dogs find you amusing when you”re drunk.
14. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
15. Another man will seldom steal your dog.
16. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, “If I died, would you get another dog?”
17. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
18. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
19. A dog won”t hold out on you to get a new car.
20. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don”t get mad. They just think it”s interesting.
21. On a car trip, your dog never insists on running the heater.
22. Dogs don”t let magazine articles guide their lives.
23. When your dog gets old, you can have it put to sleep.
24. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pick-up truck.
25. Dogs are not allowed in Bloomingdale”s or Neiman-Marcus.
And, last but not least:
26. If a dog leaves, it won’t take half of your stuff.
Went to the University of Southern California against the University of Hawaii football game today. This was a fun game because USC has Matt Leinart and Reggie Bush with a whole bunch of other good players. The University of Hawaii had Colt Brennan. The game was not even close from the start. The high performance of the artificial turf of the Aloha stadium really helped facilitate the speed of this game. It was a complete romp all in USC’s favor with a final score of 62 to 17. Here are photos of the event.
Hung Chow called into work and says, “Hey, boss I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.”
The boss says, “You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.”
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. “Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house.”
Recently, when I went to McDonald”s I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets I asked for a half dozen nuggets. “We don”t have half dozen nuggets,” said the teenager at the counter. “You don”t?” I replied. “We only have six, nine, or twelve,” was the reply. “So I can”t order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?” “That”s right.” So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.’, ‘I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those “dividers” that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn”t get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the “divider”, looking it all over for t he bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, “Do you know how much this is?” I said to her “I”ve changed my mind, I don”t think I”ll buy that today.” She said “OK,” and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.
A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM “thingy.”
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. “Do you need some help?” I asked. She replied, “I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can”t get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?” “Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?” I asked. “No, just this remote thingy,” she answered, handing it and the car ke! ys to me . As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, “Why don”t you drive over there and check about the batteries. It”s a long walk.”
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, “I”m almost out of typing paper. What do I do?” “Just use copier machine paper,” the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five “blank” copies.
I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in “Twister.” I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the “cruise control” and then went in the back to make a sandwich.
My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: “I”ve got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?”
Police in Radnor, Pa., interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message “He”s lying” was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn”t telling the truth. Believing the “lie detector” was working, the suspect confessed.
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and should be fine. The mother says, “I just gave him some ant killer…..” Dispatcher: “Rush him in to emergency!”
Here is a view from Honolulu, Hawaii westward towards Pearl City, Wainae, Kunia, Waikele, Waipahu, Makakilo, etc.
Here is a view towards Honolulu harbor or Sand Island from the viewpoint of Honolulu, Hawaii.
Today I was driving across the bridge coming from Ford Island to Halawa and snapped a couple photos of a ship sitting in Pearl Harbor. I don’t know anything about Navy ships, but it looks pretty cool. I know I wouldn’t want to mess with the United States Navy.
Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, several southern TV stations are joining together and are planning to do their own, entitled “Survivor: Southern Style.” The contestants will start in Alabama; travel over to Georgia and on to South Carolina.‚Äö From there they will head up to North Carolina and over to Tennessee. They will then proceed down to Mississippi and Louisiana.‚Äö Finally ending up back over in Alabama.’, ‘Each will be driving a pink Volvo with New Jersey license plates and large bumper stickers that read: I”m Gay, I’m a Vegetarian, NASCAR Sucks, Go Yankees!‚Äö Smoking is for Idiots, Hillary in 2004, Deer Hunting is Murder, and I’m Here to Confiscate Your Guns!
The first one that makes it back to Montgomery ALIVE wins. Any takers.
