Survivor Southern Style

Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, several southern TV stations are joining together and are planning to do their own, entitled “Survivor: Southern Style.” The contestants will start in Alabama; travel over to Georgia and on to South Carolina.‚Äö From there they will head up to North Carolina and over to Tennessee. They will then proceed down to Mississippi and Louisiana.‚Äö Finally ending up back over in Alabama.’, ‘Each will be driving a pink Volvo with New Jersey license plates and large bumper stickers that read: I”m Gay, I’m a Vegetarian, NASCAR Sucks, Go Yankees!‚Äö Smoking is for Idiots, Hillary in 2004, Deer Hunting is Murder, and I’m Here to Confiscate Your Guns!

The first one that makes it back to Montgomery ALIVE wins. Any takers.

USS Arizona Memorial

Went to the USS Arizona Memorial. It certainly was a somber experience to think that 1,177 officers and crewmen died in the blink of an eye. Here are my photos from my experience.

Bond Set for Michael Moffatt Charged With Shooting Wife

thekumachan_michael_moffatt-1
(photo courtesy of The Kumachan)

Michael Clinton Moffatt, charged at the beginning of the month with attempted murder, has been trying since then to get a judge to set bail, but until Tuesday had no luck.

Following a hearing before Mobile County Circuit Judge Charles Graddick, a bail of $250,000 was ordered for the 15-year Air Force veteran stationed in Biloxi.

This article was written for
http://www.al.com/
By GARY McELROY
Staff Reporter’, ‘According to prosecutors, Moffatt, 35, shot his estranged wife, Toiya Moffatt, 30, at his mother”s Mobile home on Cotton Street on April 1, then fled.

Michael Moffatt, a tech sergeant, surrendered the next day to his commanding officer at Keesler Air Force Base in Biloxi.

Assistant District Attorney John Furman told Graddick on Tuesday that the victim remained in a hospital, her condition still critical following a number of surgeries to address the shotgun blast she suffered.

Outside court, Furman characterized her chances of surviving as “nip and tuck” and “50-50.”

Following his client’s arrest, Mobile attorney Jeff Deen went before two district judges seeking bail; each time he was turned down.

On Tuesday, he argued before Graddick that Moffatt’s rights under the eighth amendment to the Constitution and Alabama law required a bail be set.

According to Deen, Toiya Moffatt lived in Florida after the couple separated.

Deen said he could not explain why a lower court was reluctant to set bail.

Furman said Toiya Moffatt was under a protective court order at the time of the shooting. He said his office was “still greatly concerned” for her safety.

Atlantis Submarine Tour – Honolulu Hawaii


Today I took the Atlantis Submarine tour out of the Hawaiian Hilton Hotel. This tour was superb. First you leave from Waikiki and they take you out on a boat to rendezvous with a submarine that is waiting. You want to be sure to get there early and try to take the earliest tour if you can because then you have the best chance to see sharks and other cool fish. Once everybody boards the submarine they take you down to a depth of 100 feet deep. While down there you get to see some of the sea restoration projects they have going on where a couple ships, a plane, and scaffolding were sunk in order to create an artificial reef. Here are a few photos from my experience.

New Tax Law

The only thing that the IRS has not yet taxed is the male penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 30% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off and 10% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has two dependents and they are both nuts.’, ‘Effective January 1, 2005, the male penis will be taxed according to size. The brackets are as follows:
12+” Capital Gains $50.00
10-12″ Luxury Tax $30.00
8-10″ Pole Tax $25.00
5-8″ Privilege Tax $15.00
4-5″ Nuisance Tax $3.00
<4″ Elegible for a refund Please do not ask for an extension!

IRS Note: We are still waiting for answers for the following questions:
Are there penalties for early withdrawals?
Are condoms a deductible expense as work clothes?

“Somebody” Knows Jack About Motherhood

  • Somebody said it takes about six weeks to get back to normal after you’ve had a baby…somebody doesn’t know that once you’re a mother,”normal” is history.
  • Somebody said you learn how to be a mother by instinct…somebody never took a three-year-old shopping.
  • Somebody said being a mother is boring…somebody never rode in a car driven by a teenager with a driver’s permit.
  • Somebody said if you’re a “good” mother, your child will “turn out good”…somebody thinks a child comes with directions and a guarantee.
  • Somebody said “good” mothers never raise their voices…somebody never came out the back door just in time to see her child hit a golf ball through the neighbor’s kitchen window.
  • Somebody said you don’t need an education to be a mother….somebody never helped a fourth grader with his math.
  • Somebody said you can’t love the fifth child as much as you love the first…somebody doesn’t have five children.
  • Somebody said a mother can find all the answers to her child-rearing questions in the books…somebody never had a child stuff beans up his nose or in his ears.
  • Somebody said the hardest part of being a mother is labor and delivery somebody never watched her “baby” get on the bus for the first day of kindergarten…or on a plane headed for
    military “boot camp.”
  • Somebody said a mother can do her job with her eyes closed and one hand tied behind her back…Somebody never organized seven giggling Brownies to sell cookies.
  • Somebody said a mother can stop worrying after her child gets married…somebody doesn’t know that marriage adds a new son or daughter-in-law to a mother’s heartstrings.
  • Somebody said a mother’s job is done when her last child leaves home….somebody never had grandchildren.
  • Somebody said your mother knows you love her, so you don’t need to tell her….somebody isn’t a mother.

    • Make Time for Loved Ones

    After 21 years of marriage, My wife wanted me to take another woman out to dinner and a movie. She said, “I love you but I know this other woman loves you and would love to spend some time with you.” The other woman that my wife wanted me to visit was my MOTHER, who has been a widow for 19 years, but the demands of my work and my three children had made it possible to visit her only occasionally.’, ‘That night I called to invite her to go out for dinner and a movie.”What’s wrong, are you well,” she asked? My mother is the type of woman who suspects that a late night call or a surprise invitation is a sign of bad news. “I thought that it would be pleasant to spend some time with you,” I responded. “Just the two of us.” She thought about it for a moment, and then said, “I would like that very much.” That Friday after work, as I drove over to pick her up I was a bit nervous. When I arrived at her house, I noticed that she, too, seemed to be nervous about our date. She waited in the door with her coat on. She had curled her hair and was wearing the dress that she had worn to celebrate her last wedding anniversary. She smiled from a face that was as radiant as an angel”s. “I told my friends that I was going to go out with my son, and they were impressed,” she said, as she got into the car. “They can”t wait to hear about our meeting.”

    We went to a restaurant that, although not elegant, was very nice and cozy. My mother took my arm as if she were the First Lady. After we sat down, I had to read the menu. Her eyes could only read large print. Half way through the entries, I lifted my eyes and saw Mom sitting there staring at me. A nostalgic smile was on her lips. “It was I who used to have to read the menu when you were small,” she said. “Then it”s time that you relax and let me return the favor,” I responded. During the dinner, we had an agreeable conversation nothing extraordinary but catching up on recent events of each other”s life. We talked so much that we missed the movie. As we arrived at her house later, she said, “I’ll go out with you again, but only if you let me invite you.” I agreed.

    “How was your dinner date?” asked my wife when I got home. “Very nice. Much more so than I could have imagined,” I answered. A few days later, my mother died of a massive heart attack. It happened so suddenly that I didn”t have a chance to do anything for her. Some time later, I received an envelope with a copy of a restaurant receipt from the same place mother and I had dined. An attached note said: “I paid this bill in advance. I wasn”t sure that I could be there; but nevertheless, I paid for two plates – one for you and the other for your wife. You will never know what that night meant for me. I love you, son.” At that moment, I understood the importance of saying in time: “I LOVE YOU” and to give our loved ones the time that they deserve. Nothing in life is more important than your family. Give them the time they deserve, because these things cannot be put off till “some other time.”

    Classic Schwartzkopf Quote

    In a recent interview, General Norman Schwartzkopf was asked if he thought there was room for forgiveness toward the people who have harbored and abetted the terrorists who perpetrated the 9/11 attacks on America.

    His answer was classic Schwartzkopf. The General said, I believe that forgiving them is God’s function. Our job is to arrange the meeting.

    Happy Easter

    We here at The Kumachan want to wish each of you a very happy Easter holiday. Be sure to keep an eye out for what kind of chocolate eggs you are eating. We are yet to find a bunny large enough to lay chocolate eggs and even if there are bunnies that big, we still haven”t found a bunny that lays eggs. Bunnies only seem to leave on thing behind and they”re not eggs. They”re bunny berries! Have a Happy Holiday.

    The Kumachan Staff

    Bad habits

    Fifteen days ago, I read that smoking can kill you; The next day I stopped smoking.

    Twelve days ago, I read that too much red meat can kill you; The next day I stopped eating red meat..

    8 days ago, I read that drinking can kill you; The next day I stopped drinking.

    Yesterday, I read that having sex can kill you; This morning I stopped reading.

    Toast of the Night

    John O’Reilly hoisted his beer & said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!” That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the best toast of the night.” She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?” John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.” Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said. The next day Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the corner. He chuckled and said, “John won the prize last night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.” She said, “Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he’s only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.

    IRS Genie

    A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water. His horse has already died of thirst. He”s crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden; he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. This one is wearing an IRS ID badge and a dull gray dress. There”s a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.
    “Well, cowboy,” says the genie “You know how I work. You have three wishes.”
    “I”m not falling for this.” said the cowboy. “I”m not going to trust an IRS genie.”
    “Whatta got ta lose? You”ve got no transportation , and it looks like you”re a goner anyway!”
    The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.
    “OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink.”
    ***POOF***
    The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen and he”s surrounded by jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
    “OK, cowpoke, what”s your second wish?”
    “My second wish is that I am rich beyond my wildest dreams.”
    ***POOF***
    The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
    “OK, cowpuncher, ya got just one more wish. Better make it a good one!”
    After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says, “I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.”
    ***POOF***
    He”s turned into a tampon.

    Government Job

    A guy goes to the U.S. Post Office to apply for a job.  The interviewer asks him, “Have you been in the service?” “Yes,” he says. “I was in Vietnam for three years”.

    The interviewer says, “That will give you extra points toward employment” and then asks, “Are you disabled in any way?”

    The guy says, “Yes 100%…a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off.”

    The interviewer tells the guy, “O.K. I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 A.M.”

    The guy is puzzled and says, “If the hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M.‚ then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M.?”

    “This is a government job” the interviewer says. “For the first two hours we sit around scratching our balls…….no point in you coming in for that.

    One Smart Gator

    Two alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp near Washington, DC. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, “I cain”t unnerstand how you kin be so much bigger ”n me. We”re the same age, we wuz the same size as kids. I just don”t get it.”

    “Well,” said the big ”gator, “what ya been eatin” boy?”

    “Politicians, same”s you,” replied the small gator.

    “Hmm. Well, where ya catch ”em?”

    “Down ”tother side the swamp near the parkin” lot, by the capitol.”

    “Same here. Hmm. How ya catch ”em?”

    “Well, I crawls up under one ”em Lexus and wait fer ”em to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab ”em on the leg, shake the shit out”em, and eat”em!”

    “Ah!” says the big alligator, “I think I see yer problem. You ain”t gettin” any real nourshment. See, by time you done shakin” the shit outta politician, there ain”t nothin” left but an asshole and a briefcase!

    How To Avoid The Flu

    • Eat right! Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies.
    • Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.
    • Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system.
    • Walk for at least an hour a day, go for a swim, take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc.
    • Wash your hands often. If you can”t wash them, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around.
    • Get lots of fresh air. Open windows whenever possible.
    • Get plenty of rest.
    • Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.

    or

    Take the doctor”s office approach.Think about it…When you go for a shot, what do they do first?Clean your arm with alcohol.Why?Because alcohol kills germs.

    so……

    • I walk to the liquor store (exercise).
    • I put lime in my Corona (fruit).
    • Celery in my Bloody Mary (veggie).
    • Drink outdoor at the patio bar (fresh air).
    • Get drunk, tell jokes, laugh (relieve stress).
    • Then pass out (rest).

    If you keep your alcohol levels up, flu germs can’t get you!  Cheers!  “It’s five o’clock somewhere!

    2005 college football Hawaii vs Michigan State

    In 2004, the University of Hawaii with their superstars of Timmy Chang and Chad Owens, beat Michigan State in Hawaii. For the 2005 season, Hawaii will have to find 30 new member replacements for their losses of players they suffered in 2004. This year Hawaii is going to Michigan. It will be nice to watch Michigan State kick the living hell out of Hawaii and let these crappy WAC teams know they just aren’t on the same level as schools in other conferences.

    Happy Valentine’s Day!

    Don’t forget to get that special someone something sweet or romantic today. In case you don’t have a special someone then perhaps you may need to buy a jar of vasoline or batteries, either way have a great day!

    A Mother Suspects

    Brian Hester invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian”s mother couldn”t help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian”s room mate, Stephanie, was. Mrs. Hester had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Stephanie, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two react, Mrs. Hester started to wonder if there was more between Brian and stephanie, than met the eye. Reading his mom”s thoughts, Brian volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Stephanie and I are just room mates.”

    About a week later, Stephanie came to Brian saying, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don’t suppose she took it, do you?” Brian said, “Well, I doubt it, but I’ll send her am e-mail just to be sure.” So he sat down! and wrote:

    Dear Mother:
    I’m not saying that you “did” take the gravy ladle from the house, I’m not saying that you “did not” take the gravy ladle, but the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
    Love, Brian

    Several days later, Brian received a letter from his mother that read:

    Dear Son:
    I’m not saying that you “do” sleep with Stephanie, and I’m not saying that you “do not” sleep with Stephanie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
    Love, Mom

    2005 Superbowl Prediction

    With the Superbowl coming up, now is the chance to make a prediction. This year the predictions should be extremely easy. As you may or may not know it is going to be the Philidelphia Eagles versus the New England Patriots. Now if we take a look at their past track records we can clearly see that the Eagles completely suck in the post season by usually dying in the first round, where as the Patriots have won the Superbowl 4 out of the past 5 years. This year the Superbowl seems like it is a given that the Patriots will win, however the Patriots never seem to completely destroy teams. They usually keep the scores pretty close. My final prediction is that the Patriots will beat the Eagles by a touchdown.

    President Bush’s Inaugural Speech Summary

    This document will cover the key points of the 2005 presidential inaugural speech that was given by George W. Bush in January 2005. Within the Presidential speech you may or may not have heard key points that were a bit confusing. This document will try to mitigate any confusion by spelling it out in plain English.’, ‘The first key point the President made was about the success of liberty in America depends on the success of liberty in foreign lands. By saying this President Bush was simply stating that anybody who opposes our way of life would have to contend with the stern hand of America. Anybody who is willing to accept democracy the United States will be there to support them in becoming a free nation. The second key point that was being made was about human rights. The point being made was that if you accept our views on human rights you will see the US is more than just, however if you want to defy the US’s views on human rights and you will see how much of a burden you will be bringing on yourself. The President identifies what he believes are clear examples of immoral acts of human rights. He tried to identify how human rights would never be upheld without liberty and by stating the message is not only being sent out to rulers of other nations, but to the followers of the rulers. It takes everybody to make these sets of ideals to be upheld. Another key point I believe the President was trying to make was that the US has taken on great responsibilities by taking the lead as a nation to step up and do what other countries weren’t willing to do and for the US to keep doing this there needs to be sacrifices made for one’s country.

    In conclusion, the President’s speech was directed at focusing on the ideals he believes Americans are most concerned with and ultimately will unite everyone with one common bond.

    C-130 Pilot’s Story

    “There I was at six thousand feet over central Iraq, two hundred eighty knots and we”re dropping faster than Paris Hilton”s panties. It”s a typical September evening in the Persian Gulf; hotter than a rectal thermometer and I”m sweating like a priest at a Cub Scout meeting. But that”s neither here nor there. The night is moonless over Baghdad tonight, and blacker than a Steven King novel. But it”s 2004, folks, and I”m sporting the latest in night-combat technology – namely, hand-me-down night vision goggles (NVGs) thrown out by the fighter boys.”‘, ‘”Additionally, my 1962 Lockheed C-130E Hercules is equipped with an obsolete, yet, semi-effective missile warning system (MWS). The MWS conveniently makes a nice soothing tone in your headset just before the missile explodes into your airplane. Who says you can”t polish a turd?”

    “At any rate, the NVGs are illuminating Baghdad International Airport like the Las Vegas Strip during a Mike Tyson fight. These NVGs are the cat”s ass. But I”ve digressed.”

    “The preferred method of approach tonight is the random shallow. This tactical maneuver allows the pilot to ingress the landing zone in an unpredictable manner, thus exploiting the supposedly secured perimeter of the airfield in an attempt to avoid enemy surface-to-air-missiles and small
    arms fire. Personally, I wouldn”t bet my pink ass on that theory but the approach is fun as hell and that”s the real reason we fly it.”

    “We get a visual on the runway at three miles out, drop down to one thousand feet above the ground, still maintaining two hundred eighty knots. Now the fun starts. It”s pilot appreciation time as I descend the mighty Herk to six hundred feet and smoothly, yet very deliberately, yank into a sixty degree left bank, turning the aircraft ninety degrees offset from runway heading. As soon as we roll out of the turn, I reverse turn to the right a full two hundred seventy degrees in order to roll out aligned with the runway. Some aeronautical genius coined this maneuver the “Ninety/Two-Seventy.” Chopping the power during the turn, I pull back on the yoke just to the point my nether regions start to sag, bleeding off energy in order to configure the pig for landing.”

    “Flaps Fifty!, Landing Gear Down!, Before Landing Checklist!” I look over at the copilot and he”s shaking like a cat shitting on a sheet of ice. Looking further back at the navigator, and even through the NVGs, I can clearly see the wet spot spreading around his crotch. Finally, I glance at
    my steely-eyed flight engineer. His eyebrows rise in unison as a grin forms on his face. I can tell he”s thinking the same thing I am…. “Where do we find such fine young men?”

    “Flaps One Hundred!” I bark at the shaking cat. Now it”s all aimpoint and airspeed. Aviation 101, with the exception there are no lights, I”m on NVGs, it”s Baghdad, and now tracers are starting to crisscross the black sky. Naturally, and not at all surprisingly, I grease the Goodyear”s on brick-one of runway 33 left, bring the throttles to ground idle and then force the props to full reverse pitch. Tonight, the sound of freedom is my four Hamilton Standard propellers chewing through the thick, putrid, Baghdad air. The huge, one hundred thirty thousand pound, lumbering whisper
    pig comes to a lurching stop in less than two thousand feet. Let”s see a Viper do that!”

    “We exit the runway to a welcoming committee of government issued Army grunts. It”s time to download thir beans and bullets and letters from their sweethearts, look for war booty, and of course, urinate on Saddam”s home. Walking down the crew entry steps with my lowest-bidder, Beretta 92F, 9 millimeter strapped smartly to my side, I look around and thank God, not Allah, I”m an American and I”m on the winning team. Then I thank God I”m not in the Army. Knowing once again I”ve cheated death, I ask myself, “What in the hell am I doing in this mess?” Is it Duty, Honor, and Country? You bet your ass. Or could it possibly be for the glory, the swag, and not to mention, chicks dig the Air Medal? There”s probably some truth there too. But now is not the time to derive the complexities of the superior, cerebral properties of the human portion of the aviator-man-machine model. It is however, time to get out of this shit-hole. “Hey copilot, clean yourself up! And how”s ”bout the ”Before Starting Engines Checklist.””

    “God, I love this job!!”

    [US/60]

    Confession

    Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand in the weak light, tears running down her face. Her praying woke him from his slumber. He looked up, pale lips moving slightly.

    “Becky my darling,” he whispered.

    “Hush my love,” she said. “Rest, don”t talk.”

    He was insistent. “Becky,” he said in his tired voice, “I have something that I must confess.”

    “There”s nothing to confess,” replied the weeping Becky, “everything”s all right, go to sleep now.”

    “No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I…I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother.” “I know sweet one” whispered Becky, “let the poison work.

    Patrols at Bagram Airfield


    Patrols at Bagram airfield in Afghanistan can certainly be hazardous to your health. Be sure not to go off the beaten path the life you save could be your own.

    Bad Day at Work

    Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 on FM dial in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.’, ‘Hi Sue,
    Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you”ve been feeling down lately at work,so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it”s not so bad after all.

    Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It”s a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater.

    This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I”ve used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It”s like working in a Jacuzzi.

    Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.

    Now, since I don”t have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn”t stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive.

    I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn”t poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut.

    So, next time you”re having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.

    When I Was a Kid

    When I was a kid adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning uphill both ways through year ”round blizzards carrying their younger siblings on their backs to their one-room schoolhouse where they maintained a straight-A average despite their full-time after-school job at the local textile mill where they worked for 35 cents an hour just to help keep their family from starving to death!’, ‘And I remember promising myself that when I grew up there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they”ve got it!

    But…. Now that I”ve reached the ripe old age of twenty-nine, I can”t help, but look around and notice the youth of today. You”ve got it so ***** easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a goddamned Utopia! I hate to say it but you kids today you don”t know how good you”ve got it!

    I mean, when I was a kid we didn”t have The Internet-we needed to find out something, we had to go to the goddamned library and look it up ourselves!

    And there was no email! We had to actually write somebody a letter-with a pen! –And then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the ***** mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!

    And there were no MP3s or Napsters! You wanted free music, you had to go to the damned record store and shoplift it yourself! Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ”d usually talk over the beginning and f***ed it all up!

    You want to hear about hardship? You couldn”t just download porn! You had to bribe some homeless dude to buy you a copy of “Hustler” at the 7-11! It was either that or jackoff to the lingerie section of the JC Penney catalog! Those were your options!

    We didn”t have fancy shit like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal! And we didn”t have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was. It could be your boss, your mom, your drug dealer, your ex-girlfriend, that ugly chick from math class, that hot chick from math class, you just didn”t know!!! You just had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

    And we didn”t have any fancy Sony Playstation videogames with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like “Space Invaders” and “Asteroids” and the graphics sucked ass! Your guy was a little square! You had to use your imagination! And there were no multiple levels or screens; it was just one screen forever! And you could never win, the game just kept getting harder and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

    When you went to the movie theater there no such thing as Stadium seating! All the seats were the same height! A tall guy sat in front of you, you were screwed!

    And sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 20 channels and there was no onscreen menu! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! And there was no Cartoon Network! You could only get cartoons on Saturday morning… D”ya hear what the ***** I”m saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK, you spoiled little bastards!

    That”s exactly what I”m talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You”re spoiled, I swear to God! You guys wouldn”t last five minutes back in 1980!

    Male or Female?

    You may not know that many non-living things have a gender. For example:

    1.) Ziploc Bags — They are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

    2.) Copiers — They are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. It”s an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

    3.) Tire — Male, because it goes bald and it”s often over-inflated.

    4.) Hot Air Balloon — Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it and, of course, there”s the hot air component.

    5.) Sponges — Female, because they”re soft, squeezable and retain water.

    6.) Web Page — Female, because it”s always getting hit on.

    7.) Subway — Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

    8.) Hourglass — Female, because over time, the weight can shift to the bottom.

    9.) Hammer — Male, because it hasn”t changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it”s handy to have around.

    10.) Remote Control — Female. Ha! You thought it”d be Male. But consider this — it gives a man pleasure, he”d be lost without it, and while he doesn”t always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

    Circle Flies

    An old farmer was hauling a load of manure when he was stopped by a state trooper. “You were speeding,” the cop said. “I’m going to have to give you a ticket.”

    “Yep,” the farmer said as he watched the trooper shoo away several flies.

    “These flies sure are terrible,” the trooper complained.

    “Yep,” the farmer said. “Them are circle flies.”

    “What’s a circle fly?”

    “Them flies that circle a horse’s tail,” answered the farmer. “Them are circle flies.”

    “You wouldn’t be calling me a horse’s ass, would you?” the trooper angrily asked.

    “Nope, I didn’t” the farmer replied. “But you just can’t fool them flies.

    Are they?

    A man is lying in bed in a Catholic hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young auxiliary nurse appears to sponge his face and hands. “Nurse,” he mumbles from behind the mask, “Are my testicles black?” Embarrassed the young nurse replies, “I don”t know, I”m only here to wash your face and hands.” He struggles again to ask, “Nurse, Are my testicles black?” Again the nurse replies, “I can”t tell. I”m only here to wash your face and hands.” The ward sister was passing and saw the man getting a little distraught so marched over to inquire what was wrong. “Sister,” he mumbled, “Are my testicles black?” Being a nurse of longstanding, the sister was undaunted. She whipped back the bedclothes, pulled down his pajama trousers, moved his penis out of the way, took a good look, pulled up the pajamas, replaced the bedclothes and announced, “Nothing wrong with them!!!” At this the man pulled off his oxygen mask and asked again, “Are my test results back?

    Rejection Line

    In case you meet anybody who you don”t want to give your telephone number to, but you do anyway because you feel bad – try this instead: Rejection line: If you are a woman/man and are constantly approached by unattractive or undesirable women/men asking for your phone number, give them this number:

    Boston: 617-658-7083
    New York City: 212-479-7990
    Los Angeles: 310-217-7638
    San Francisco: 415-356-9833
    Atlanta: 770-908-7383
    Charlotte: 704-559-4169
    Chicago: 773-509-5096
    Cleveland: 216-556-0051
    Denver: 303-575-1696
    Las Vegas: 702-387-2619
    Miami: 305-460-3285
    Seattle: 206-781-3928
    Washington, DC: 202-452-7468

    when the guy/woman calls that number, they get a friendly message saying that they were rejected.

    Apache Helicopters in Action


    It is not advisable to be on the receiving end of one of these apache helicopters.

    Black Hawk Helicopters in Action


    Here are some Black Hawk helicopters in action over the skies in Iraq.