John O’Reilly hoisted his beer & said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!” That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the best toast of the night.” She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?” John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.” Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said. The next day Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the corner. He chuckled and said, “John won the prize last night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.” She said, “Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he’s only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.
IRS Genie
A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water. His horse has already died of thirst. He”s crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden; he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. This one is wearing an IRS ID badge and a dull gray dress. There”s a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.
“Well, cowboy,” says the genie “You know how I work. You have three wishes.”
“I”m not falling for this.” said the cowboy. “I”m not going to trust an IRS genie.”
“Whatta got ta lose? You”ve got no transportation , and it looks like you”re a goner anyway!”
The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.
“OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink.”
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen and he”s surrounded by jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
“OK, cowpoke, what”s your second wish?”
“My second wish is that I am rich beyond my wildest dreams.”
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
“OK, cowpuncher, ya got just one more wish. Better make it a good one!”
After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says, “I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.”
***POOF***
He”s turned into a tampon.
Government Job
A guy goes to the U.S. Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, “Have you been in the service?” “Yes,” he says. “I was in Vietnam for three years”.
The interviewer says, “That will give you extra points toward employment” and then asks, “Are you disabled in any way?”
The guy says, “Yes 100%…a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off.”
The interviewer tells the guy, “O.K. I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 A.M.”
The guy is puzzled and says, “If the hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M.‚ then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M.?”
“This is a government job” the interviewer says. “For the first two hours we sit around scratching our balls…….no point in you coming in for that.
One Smart Gator
Two alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp near Washington, DC. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, “I cain”t unnerstand how you kin be so much bigger ”n me. We”re the same age, we wuz the same size as kids. I just don”t get it.”
“Well,” said the big ”gator, “what ya been eatin” boy?”
“Politicians, same”s you,” replied the small gator.
“Hmm. Well, where ya catch ”em?”
“Down ”tother side the swamp near the parkin” lot, by the capitol.”
“Same here. Hmm. How ya catch ”em?”
“Well, I crawls up under one ”em Lexus and wait fer ”em to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab ”em on the leg, shake the shit out”em, and eat”em!”
“Ah!” says the big alligator, “I think I see yer problem. You ain”t gettin” any real nourshment. See, by time you done shakin” the shit outta politician, there ain”t nothin” left but an asshole and a briefcase!
How To Avoid The Flu
- Eat right! Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies.
- Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.
- Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system.
- Walk for at least an hour a day, go for a swim, take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc.
- Wash your hands often. If you can”t wash them, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around.
- Get lots of fresh air. Open windows whenever possible.
- Get plenty of rest.
- Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.
or
Take the doctor”s office approach.Think about it…When you go for a shot, what do they do first?Clean your arm with alcohol.Why?Because alcohol kills germs.
so……
- I walk to the liquor store (exercise).
- I put lime in my Corona (fruit).
- Celery in my Bloody Mary (veggie).
- Drink outdoor at the patio bar (fresh air).
- Get drunk, tell jokes, laugh (relieve stress).
- Then pass out (rest).
If you keep your alcohol levels up, flu germs can’t get you! Cheers! “It’s five o’clock somewhere!
2005 college football Hawaii vs Michigan State
In 2004, the University of Hawaii with their superstars of Timmy Chang and Chad Owens, beat Michigan State in Hawaii. For the 2005 season, Hawaii will have to find 30 new member replacements for their losses of players they suffered in 2004. This year Hawaii is going to Michigan. It will be nice to watch Michigan State kick the living hell out of Hawaii and let these crappy WAC teams know they just aren’t on the same level as schools in other conferences.
Happy Valentine’s Day!
Don’t forget to get that special someone something sweet or romantic today. In case you don’t have a special someone then perhaps you may need to buy a jar of vasoline or batteries, either way have a great day!
A Mother Suspects
Brian Hester invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian”s mother couldn”t help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian”s room mate, Stephanie, was. Mrs. Hester had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Stephanie, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two react, Mrs. Hester started to wonder if there was more between Brian and stephanie, than met the eye. Reading his mom”s thoughts, Brian volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Stephanie and I are just room mates.”
About a week later, Stephanie came to Brian saying, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don’t suppose she took it, do you?” Brian said, “Well, I doubt it, but I’ll send her am e-mail just to be sure.” So he sat down! and wrote:
Dear Mother:
I’m not saying that you “did” take the gravy ladle from the house, I’m not saying that you “did not” take the gravy ladle, but the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Brian
Several days later, Brian received a letter from his mother that read:
Dear Son:
I’m not saying that you “do” sleep with Stephanie, and I’m not saying that you “do not” sleep with Stephanie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mom
President Bush’s Inaugural Speech Summary
This document will cover the key points of the 2005 presidential inaugural speech that was given by George W. Bush in January 2005. Within the Presidential speech you may or may not have heard key points that were a bit confusing. This document will try to mitigate any confusion by spelling it out in plain English.’, ‘The first key point the President made was about the success of liberty in America depends on the success of liberty in foreign lands. By saying this President Bush was simply stating that anybody who opposes our way of life would have to contend with the stern hand of America. Anybody who is willing to accept democracy the United States will be there to support them in becoming a free nation. The second key point that was being made was about human rights. The point being made was that if you accept our views on human rights you will see the US is more than just, however if you want to defy the US’s views on human rights and you will see how much of a burden you will be bringing on yourself. The President identifies what he believes are clear examples of immoral acts of human rights. He tried to identify how human rights would never be upheld without liberty and by stating the message is not only being sent out to rulers of other nations, but to the followers of the rulers. It takes everybody to make these sets of ideals to be upheld. Another key point I believe the President was trying to make was that the US has taken on great responsibilities by taking the lead as a nation to step up and do what other countries weren’t willing to do and for the US to keep doing this there needs to be sacrifices made for one’s country.
In conclusion, the President’s speech was directed at focusing on the ideals he believes Americans are most concerned with and ultimately will unite everyone with one common bond.
Confession
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand in the weak light, tears running down her face. Her praying woke him from his slumber. He looked up, pale lips moving slightly.
“Becky my darling,” he whispered.
“Hush my love,” she said. “Rest, don”t talk.”
He was insistent. “Becky,” he said in his tired voice, “I have something that I must confess.”
“There”s nothing to confess,” replied the weeping Becky, “everything”s all right, go to sleep now.”
“No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I…I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother.” “I know sweet one” whispered Becky, “let the poison work.
Patrols at Bagram Airfield
Patrols at Bagram airfield in Afghanistan can certainly be hazardous to your health. Be sure not to go off the beaten path the life you save could be your own.
Bad Day at Work
Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 on FM dial in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.’, ‘Hi Sue,
Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you”ve been feeling down lately at work,so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it”s not so bad after all.
Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It”s a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater.
This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I”ve used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It”s like working in a Jacuzzi.
Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.
Now, since I don”t have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn”t stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive.
I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn”t poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut.
So, next time you”re having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.
When I Was a Kid
When I was a kid adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning uphill both ways through year ”round blizzards carrying their younger siblings on their backs to their one-room schoolhouse where they maintained a straight-A average despite their full-time after-school job at the local textile mill where they worked for 35 cents an hour just to help keep their family from starving to death!’, ‘And I remember promising myself that when I grew up there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they”ve got it!
But…. Now that I”ve reached the ripe old age of twenty-nine, I can”t help, but look around and notice the youth of today. You”ve got it so ***** easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a goddamned Utopia! I hate to say it but you kids today you don”t know how good you”ve got it!
I mean, when I was a kid we didn”t have The Internet-we needed to find out something, we had to go to the goddamned library and look it up ourselves!
And there was no email! We had to actually write somebody a letter-with a pen! –And then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the ***** mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!
And there were no MP3s or Napsters! You wanted free music, you had to go to the damned record store and shoplift it yourself! Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ”d usually talk over the beginning and f***ed it all up!
You want to hear about hardship? You couldn”t just download porn! You had to bribe some homeless dude to buy you a copy of “Hustler” at the 7-11! It was either that or jackoff to the lingerie section of the JC Penney catalog! Those were your options!
We didn”t have fancy shit like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal! And we didn”t have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was. It could be your boss, your mom, your drug dealer, your ex-girlfriend, that ugly chick from math class, that hot chick from math class, you just didn”t know!!! You just had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!
And we didn”t have any fancy Sony Playstation videogames with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like “Space Invaders” and “Asteroids” and the graphics sucked ass! Your guy was a little square! You had to use your imagination! And there were no multiple levels or screens; it was just one screen forever! And you could never win, the game just kept getting harder and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!
When you went to the movie theater there no such thing as Stadium seating! All the seats were the same height! A tall guy sat in front of you, you were screwed!
And sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 20 channels and there was no onscreen menu! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! And there was no Cartoon Network! You could only get cartoons on Saturday morning… D”ya hear what the ***** I”m saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK, you spoiled little bastards!
That”s exactly what I”m talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You”re spoiled, I swear to God! You guys wouldn”t last five minutes back in 1980!
Male or Female?
You may not know that many non-living things have a gender. For example:
1.) Ziploc Bags — They are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
2.) Copiers — They are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. It”s an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
3.) Tire — Male, because it goes bald and it”s often over-inflated.
4.) Hot Air Balloon — Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it and, of course, there”s the hot air component.
5.) Sponges — Female, because they”re soft, squeezable and retain water.
6.) Web Page — Female, because it”s always getting hit on.
7.) Subway — Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
8.) Hourglass — Female, because over time, the weight can shift to the bottom.
9.) Hammer — Male, because it hasn”t changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it”s handy to have around.
10.) Remote Control — Female. Ha! You thought it”d be Male. But consider this — it gives a man pleasure, he”d be lost without it, and while he doesn”t always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
Circle Flies
An old farmer was hauling a load of manure when he was stopped by a state trooper. “You were speeding,” the cop said. “I’m going to have to give you a ticket.”
“Yep,” the farmer said as he watched the trooper shoo away several flies.
“These flies sure are terrible,” the trooper complained.
“Yep,” the farmer said. “Them are circle flies.”
“What’s a circle fly?”
“Them flies that circle a horse’s tail,” answered the farmer. “Them are circle flies.”
“You wouldn’t be calling me a horse’s ass, would you?” the trooper angrily asked.
“Nope, I didn’t” the farmer replied. “But you just can’t fool them flies.
Are they?
A man is lying in bed in a Catholic hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young auxiliary nurse appears to sponge his face and hands. “Nurse,” he mumbles from behind the mask, “Are my testicles black?” Embarrassed the young nurse replies, “I don”t know, I”m only here to wash your face and hands.” He struggles again to ask, “Nurse, Are my testicles black?” Again the nurse replies, “I can”t tell. I”m only here to wash your face and hands.” The ward sister was passing and saw the man getting a little distraught so marched over to inquire what was wrong. “Sister,” he mumbled, “Are my testicles black?” Being a nurse of longstanding, the sister was undaunted. She whipped back the bedclothes, pulled down his pajama trousers, moved his penis out of the way, took a good look, pulled up the pajamas, replaced the bedclothes and announced, “Nothing wrong with them!!!” At this the man pulled off his oxygen mask and asked again, “Are my test results back?
Rejection Line
In case you meet anybody who you don”t want to give your telephone number to, but you do anyway because you feel bad – try this instead: Rejection line: If you are a woman/man and are constantly approached by unattractive or undesirable women/men asking for your phone number, give them this number:
Boston: 617-658-7083
New York City: 212-479-7990
Los Angeles: 310-217-7638
San Francisco: 415-356-9833
Atlanta: 770-908-7383
Charlotte: 704-559-4169
Chicago: 773-509-5096
Cleveland: 216-556-0051
Denver: 303-575-1696
Las Vegas: 702-387-2619
Miami: 305-460-3285
Seattle: 206-781-3928
Washington, DC: 202-452-7468
when the guy/woman calls that number, they get a friendly message saying that they were rejected.
Apache Helicopters in Action
It is not advisable to be on the receiving end of one of these apache helicopters.
Black Hawk Helicopters in Action
Here are some Black Hawk helicopters in action over the skies in Iraq.
Stupid Statistics
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that”s more like it!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)
A pig”s orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I”m still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home…… maybe at work.)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male”s head off.
(“Honey, I”m home. What the….?!”)
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It”s like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes… lucky pig… can you imagine??)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life…quality over quantity)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm……..)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you”re ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing….)
A cat”s urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
An ostrich”s eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)
Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they”ll live a lot longer.)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)
3 Certainties
The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late 60s or early 70s. “Can I help you?” she asked.
“I want to see Natalie’ the man replied.
“Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else.” said the madam.
“No. I must see Natalie” was the man’s reply.
Just then, Natalie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one hundred dollar bills and gave them to Natalie and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Natalie.
Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row – it was simply too expensive – and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Natalie and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left. The following night the man was there again.
Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Natalie and they went upstairs. After their session, Natalie questioned the man. “No one as ever used me three nights in a row.” Where are you from?” she asked.
The man replied, “Texas.”
“Really” she said. “I have family in Texas.”
“I know,” the man said. “Your father died and I am your sister’s attorney.
She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance.”
The moral of the story is:
Some things in life are certain
1. Taxes
2. Death
3. Being screwed by a lawyer
Poker Player
Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor.
When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he couldn”t help but notice that Bill”s wife Sue”s, legs were spread wide and she wasn”t wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, John, upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments.
Bill”s wife followed and asked, “Did you see anything you liked under there?”
Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well, indeed he did.
She said, “Well, you can have it but it”ll cost you $500.”
After taking a minute or two to assess the financial as well as the moral costs of this offer, John indicated that he is indeed interested. She told him that since her husband, Bill, worked Friday afternoons and John didn”t, that John should be at her house around 2:00 Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill”s house for the planned time with Sue at 2:00pm sharp and after paying her the agreed sum of $500, they went to the bedroom and closed their sexual transaction as Sue had promised.
Afterwards, John quickly dressed and left.
As usual, Bill came home from work at 6:00pm and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly, “Did John come by the house this afternoon?”
A little worried, Bill”s wife answered, “Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.”
Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, “And did he give you $500?”
In terror, she assumed that somehow he had found out, and after mustering up her best poker face, replied, “Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500.”
Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, “Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he”d stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.”
NOW THAT”S A POKER PLAYER.
Napkins for a special occasion
My mother taught me to read when I was three years old (her first mistake). One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors was ajar. I read the box in the cabinet.
I then asked my mother why she was keeping ”napkins” in the bathroom. Didn”t they belong in the kitchen? Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts, she told me that those were for “special occasions”.
Now fast forward a few months…
It”s Easter Day, and my folks are leaving to pick up the pastor and his wife for dinner. Mom had assignments for all of us while they were gone. Mine was to set the table.
When they returned, the pastor came in first and immediately burst into laughter. Next came his wife who gasped, then began giggling. Next came my father, who roared with laughter.
Then came mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table with a “special occasion” napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully arranged on top. I had even tucked the little tail in so they didn”t hang off the edge!
My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response sent the other adults into further fits of laughter.
Want to Curl Up and Die?
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, “How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?” I turned around and walked back out and never. My husband didn’t say a word, he knew better.
Melinda Lowe, 39, Seguin, TX
Pad, please! An insurance man visited me at home to talk about our mortgage insurance. He was throwing a lot of facts and figures at me, and I wanted to follow as best I could, so I told my 6-year-old son to run and get me a pad. He came back and handed me a Kotex right in front of our guest.
Kathy Newman, 46,Winston-Salem, NC
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, “No, I”m just looking at your nuts. “My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned,and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
Faye Emerick, 34, Ellerslie, MD
A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, “PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX SUPER SIZE.” That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word “Tampax” for THUMBTACKS.” In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom. “DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?”
Diane E. Amov
Ask a child the same question too many times… Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said “No.” I kept thinking, “Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don”t have any clothes with me.” Then I said, “Danny, are you SURE you didn’t have an accident?” “No,” he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo! I asked one more time, “Danny, did you have an accident?” This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. “SEE MOM, IT’S JUST FARTS!!” While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing. He calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they”d ever had!
Don’t Close the Blinds
The other day, my nine year old son wanted to know why we were at war. My husband looked at our son and then looked at me. My husband and I were in the Army during the Gulf War and we would be honored to serve and defend our Country again today. I knew that my husband would give him a good explanation.’, ‘My husband thought for a few minutes and then told my son to go stand in our front living room window. He said “Son, stand there and tell me what you see?”
“I see trees and cars and our neighbor”s houses.” he replied.
“OK, now I want you to pretend that our house and our yard is the United States of America and you are President Bush.”
Our son giggled and said “OK.”
“Now son, I want you to look out the window and pretend that every house and yard on this block is a different country” my husband said.
“OK, Dad, I”m pretending.”
“Now I want you to stand there and look out the window and pretend you see Saddam come out of his house with his wife. He has her by the hair and is hitting her. You see her bleeding and crying. He hits her in the
face, he throws her on the ground, then he starts to kick her to death. Their children run out and are afraid to stop him, they are screaming and crying, they are watching this but do nothing because they are kids and they are afraid of their father. You see all of this son…. what do you do?”
“Dad?”
“What do you do son?”
“I”d call the police, Dad.”
“OK. Pretend that the police are the United Nations and they take your call, listen to what you know and saw but they refuse to help. What do you do then, son?”
“Dad………. but the police are supposed to help!” My son starts to whine.
“They don”t want to son, because they say that it is not their place or your place to get involved and that you should stay out of it,” my husband says.
“But Dad…he killed her!!” my son exclaims.
“I know he did…but the police tell you to stay out of it. Now I want you to look out that window and pretend you see our neighbor who you”re pretending is Saddam turn around and do the same thing to his children.”
“Daddy…he kills them?”
“Yes son, he does. What do you do?”
“Well, if the police don”t want to help, I will go and ask my next door neighbor to help me stop him.” our son says.
“Son, our next door neighbor sees what is happening and refuses to get involved as well. He refuses to open the door and help you stop him,” my husband says.
“But Dad, I NEED help!!! I can”t stop him by myself!!”
“WHAT DO YOU DO, SON?” Our son starts to cry.
“OK, no one wants to help you, the man across the street saw you ask for help and saw that no one would help you stop him. He stands taller and puffs out his chest. Guess what he does next, son?”
“What Daddy?”
“He walks across the street to the old lady”s house and breaks down her door and drags her out, steals all her stuff and sets her house on fire and then…he kills her. He turns around and sees you standing in the
window and laughs at you. WHAT DO YOU DO?”
“Daddy…”
“WHAT DO YOU DO?”
Our son is crying and he looks down and he whispers, “I”d close the blinds, Daddy.”
My husband looks at our son with tears in his eyes and asks him, “Why?”
“Because, Daddy…..the police are supposed to help people who need them…and they won”t help…. you always say that neighbors are supposed to HELP neighbors, but they won”t help either…they won”t help me stop him…I”m afraid….I can”t do it by myself, Daddy….I can”t look out my window and just watch him do all these terrible things and…and…..do nothing…so….I”m just going to close the blinds…so I can”t see what he”s doing……..and I”m going to pretend that it is not happening.”
I start to cry.
My husband looks at our nine year old son standing in the window, looking pitiful and ashamed at his answers to my husband”s questions and he says, “Son.”
“Yes, Daddy.”
“Open the blinds, because that man…. he”s at your front door. “WHAT DO YOU DO?”
My son looks at his father, anger and defiance in his eyes. He balls up his tiny fists and looks his father square in the eyes, without hesitation he says: “I”D DEFEND MY FAMILY, DAD!! I”M NOT GONNA LET HIM HURT MOMMY OR MY SISTER, DAD!!! I”M GONNA FIGHT HIM, DAD, I”M GONNA FIGHT HIM!!!!!”
I see a tear roll down my husband”s cheek and he grabs our son to his chest and hugs him tight, and says… “It”s too late to fight him, he”s too strong and he”s already at YOUR front door, son…..you should have stopped him BEFORE he killed his wife, and his children and the old lady across the way. You have to do what”s right, even if you have to do it alone, before it”s too late,” my husband whispers.
THAT scenario I just gave you is WHY we are at war with Iraq. When good men stand by and let evil happen, THAT is the greatest EVIL of all.
Our President is doing what is right. We, as a free nation, must understand that this war is a war of humanity. WE must remove evil men from power so that we can continue to live in a free world where we are not
afraid to look out our window so that my nine year old son won”t grow up in a world where he feels that if he just “closes” the blinds the atrocities in the world won”t affect him.
“YOU MUST NEVER BE AFRAID TO DO WHAT IS RIGHT! EVEN IF YOU HAVE TO DO IT ALONE!” BE PROUD TO BE AN AMERICAN! BE PROUD OF OUR TROOPS!! SUPPORT THEM!!! SUPPORT AMERICA SO THAT IN THE FUTURE OUR CHILDREN WILL NEVER HAVE TO CLOSE THEIR BLINDS…”
Quickies!
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values. Stu said, “I didn”t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?” Leroy replied, “I”m not sure, What was her maiden name?
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A little boy went up to his father and asked: “Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?” The father replied. “Well son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine”
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“Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,” the divorce court Judge said, “And I”ve decided to give your wife $775 a week.” “That”s very fair, your honor,” the husband said. “And every now and then I”ll try to send her a few bucks myself.”
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A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, “I don”t like the looks of your wife at all,” “Me neither doc,” said the husband. “But she”s a great cook and really good with the kids.”
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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, “Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse
on you.” The old man says without hesitation, “I now pronounce you man and wife.”
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Two Reasons Why It”s So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder.
1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.
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A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, “Can you tell me how long it”ll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?”
The agent replies, “Just a minute…”
“Thank you,” the blonde says, and hangs up.
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Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. “How was he killed?” asked one detective. “With a golf gun,” the other detective replied. “A golf gun?! What is golf gun?” “I don”t know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.”
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The investigation of Martha Stewart continues. Her recipe for chicken casserole is quite efficient. First you boil the chicken in water. And then you dump the stock.
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This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde wearing the tightest pants he”s ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks, “How do you get into those pants?”
The young woman looks him over and replies, “Well, you could start by buying me a drink.”
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Moe: “My wife got me to believe in religion.”
Joe: “Really?”
Moe: “Yeah. Until I married her I didn”t believe in hell.”
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A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling. “I”m O. K. but I didn”t like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,” he answered. “What did he say?” asked the nurse. “OOPS!”
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While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband”s advice.
“What do you think? ” I asked.
“Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?”
“Better get a bikini,” he replied. “You”d never get it all in one.”
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“Every morning in Africa, a gazelle wakes up. It knows it must run faster than the fastest lion or it will be killed…every morning a lion wakes up. It knows it must outrun the slowest gazelle or it will starve to death. It doesn”t matter whether you are a lion or a gazelle…when the sun comes up, you”d better be running.”
Roping
A young cowboy and cowgirl decided to get married. After the wedding they left for their honeymoon and while driving down the road, the new bride saw a bull and a cow having sex. She asks, “What are they doing honey?” He answers, “They are roping!” She replies, “Oh, I see.” They drive a few more hours and she sees a horse and a mare having sex. Again she asks, “What are they doing honey?” He answers, “They are roping!” She replies, “Oh, I see.” They finally get to the hotel, washed up, and got ready for bed. They get in bed and start exploring each other”s body. She discovers his penis and asked, “What is this?” “That”s my rope,” he answers. She slides her hands down further and gasps, “What are those?” “They are my knots,” he replies. Finally, they begin making love. After several minutes, she says, “Stop, honey, wait a minute!” “What”s the matter baby?” he asks. She replies, “Undo those knots, I need more rope!
Signs You’ve Grown Up
1. Your house plants are alive, and you can”t smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. You”re the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won”t turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
10. You don”t know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
11. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.
12. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.
13. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
14. You no longer take naps from noon to 6:00 PM
15. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset rather than settle your stomach.
16. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condom and pregnancy tests.
17. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer “pretty good stuff.”
18. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
19. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that this doesn”t apply to you.
Government
A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle; I’m still a virgin.”
“What?” said the puzzled groom. “How can that be if you”ve been married ten times?”
“Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he”d look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn”t get the system up.
Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn”t know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn”t sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was……..God, I miss him!
But now that I”ve married you, I”m so excited!”
“Good,” said the husband, “but, why?”
“You’re with the Government honey. This time I KNOW I’m gonna get screwed!