The Ventriloquist

A young ventriloquist is touring Sweden and, one night, he’s doing a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, “I’ve heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Swedish blond women that way? What does the color of a woman’s hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It’s men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all Blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general…pathetically all in the name of humor!”

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells: “You stay out of this! I’m talking to that little shit on your lap.”

Pubs, Scots Style

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Ring Ring Ring …

Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg, ‘Hello?’ ‘Hi Honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the Phone? ‘.

‘No, Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Gabe.’

After a brief pause, Daddy says, ‘but Honey, you don’t have an Uncle Gabe.’

‘Oh Yes I do, and He’s upstairs with Mommy in the room, right now.’

Brief Pause.

‘Uh, okay then, this is what I Want You to do. Put the phone down on the Table, Run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that. Daddy’s car just pulled into the driveway. ‘.

‘Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.’

A few minutes later the Little Girl comes back to the Phone…’I did it, Daddy.’

‘And what happened, honey?’

‘Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit on her head the dresser and now she is not at all Moving!’

‘Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Gabe? ‘.

‘He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.

He was all scared and jumped out of the back window he and into the swimming pool. But I guess he did not know that you took out the water last week to clean it.

He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he’s dead.’

Long Pause.
Longer Pause.
Even Longer Pause.

Then Daddy says, ‘Swimming pool? (Confused) Is this 486-5731?

California Hippie Van

A tell tale sign you’re in California. I was following behind this vehicle in traffic. This vehicle has hippie van written all over it. The guy who was driving it looked like he was a member of the Grateful Dead. If you can read the sticker on the back it says, “0-55 in 11 minutes.”

What Starts With “F”

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her more precocious students. The teacher asked, ‘Harry, what exactly is your problem?’
Harry answered, ‘I’m too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I’m smarter than she is!  I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!’

Ms. Brooks finally had enough. She took Harry to the principal’s office.  While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained the situation to the principal. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.  Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he happily agreed to take the test.

Principal:  ‘What is 3 x 3?’
Harry: ‘9.’

Principal: ‘What is 6 x 6?’
Harry: ’36.’

And so it went with every question the principal thought a bright 3rd grader should know.  The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, ‘Y’know I reckon Harry can go to the 3rd grade’  But Ms. Brooks is still skeptical of the little bugger and says to the principal, ‘Not so fast, let me ask him a few questions…’ The principal and Harry both agree.

Ms. Brooks asks, ‘What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?’
Harry, after a moment: ‘Legs.’

Ms.  Brooks: ‘What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?’
The principal wondered why she would ask such a question!
Harry replied: ‘Pockets.’ to the Principal’s great relief…..

Ms. Brooks: ‘What does a dog do that a man steps into?’
Harry: ‘Pants.’

By now, the principal is sitting forward with his mouth hanging open… Ms. Brooks: ‘What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?’ Now the principal’s eyes open really wide and before he could intervene, Harry replied, ‘Bubble gum.’

Ms. Brooks: ‘What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?’
Harry: ‘Shake hands.’

The principal is now trembling with apprehension as Ms. Brooks asks the last question… Ms. Brooks: ‘What word starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ and indicates a great deal of heat and excitement?’
Harry: ‘Firetruck.’

The principal breaths a huge sigh of relief and tells the teacher, ​”​Put the little bastard in 5th-Grade, I got the last seven questions wrong myself​…”

Political Correctness

For the last six odd years, almost all of the things I wanted to write or say, have been stymied by that modern term referred to as ‘POLITICAL CORRECTNESS’.. Although I consider myself reasonably fluent in English, that term was not in my vocabulary. Curiosity got the better of me so I decided to do a little research, and after two weeks of chasing fruitless leads, I found what I’d been looking for at the Truman Library and Museum in Independence Missouri. An unnamed source there sent me copies of four telegrams between then-President Harry Truman and Gen Douglas MacArthur on the day before the actual signing of the WW2 Surrender Agreement in September 1945.. The contents of those four telegrams below are exactly as received at the end of the war – not a word has been added or deleted!


(1) Tokyo, Japan
0800-September 1,1945
To: President Harry S Truman
From: General D A MacArthur
Tomorrow we meet with those yellow-bellied bastards and sign the Surrender Documents, any last minute instructions?

(2) Washington, D C
1300-September 1, 1945
To: D A MacArthur
From: H S Truman
Congratulations, job well done, but you must tone down your obvious dislike of the Japanese when discussing the terms of the surrender with the press, because some of your remarks are fundamentally not politically correct!

(3) Tokyo, Japan
1630-September 1, 1945
To: H S Truman
From: D A MacArthur and C H Nimitz
Wilco Sir, but both Chester and I are somewhat confused, exactly what does the term politically correct mean?

(4) Washington, D C
2120-September 1, 1945
To: D A MacArthur/C H Nimitz
From: H S Truman
Political Correctness is a doctrine, recently fostered by a delusional, illogical minority and promoted by a sick mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a piece of shit by the clean end!

Rock 105.3 FM Banner in San Diego, Chargers Stadium

While I was at the 1st preseason game for the San Diego, Chargers on Thursday I saw a banner for Rock 105.3 FM. I thought it would be a great idea to take a photo of it and give a shout out to the awesome radio personalities over at the radio station. Eddie, Sky, Ashlee, & Thor this one’s for you.

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San Diego Chargers Cheerleaders

Last night was the opening NFL preseason football game between the Dallas Cowboys and the San Diego Chargers. Here are some photos I took of the San Diego Charger Cheerleaders from that event.

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Qualcomm Stadium San Diego, California

I went to Qualcomm stadium for the 1st time in my life. I tried to get photos of outside the stadium and also inside the stadium. Here are my photos from that experience.

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The Importance of Water

Interview with 101 year-old Hattie Mae MacDonald of Feague, Kentucky:
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Reporter: Can you give us some health tips for reaching the age of 101?

Hattie: For better digestion I drink beer. In the case of appetite loss I drink white wine. For low blood pressure I drink red wine. In the case of high blood pressure I drink scotch. And when I have a cold I drink Schnapps.

Reporter: When do you drink water?

Hattie: I’ve never been that sick.

Coronado Bridge


Here are some sights you can see while driving over the Coronado bridge in San Diego, California.

Torrey Pines Beach Surf


Today I drove over to Torrey Pines state park in San Diego, California and the surf looked great for body boarding. Here are some photos of the surf at roughly 8:30 A.M.

The Coyote Principle

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CALIFORNIA

– The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks the Governor’s dog, then bites the Governor.
-The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie “Bambi” and then realizes he should stop because the coyote is only doing what is natural.
– He calls animal control. Animal Control captures the coyote and bills the state $200 testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it.
– He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases.
– The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite wound bandaged.
– The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is now free of dangerous animals.
– The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a “coyote awareness program” for residents of the area.
– The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world.
– The Governor’s security agent is fired for not stopping the attack. The state spends $150,000 to hire and train a new agent with additional special training for the nature of coyotes.
– PETA protests the coyote’s relocation and files a $5 million suit against the state.

TEXAS

– The Governor of Texas is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks his dog.
– The Governor shoots the coyote with his state-issued pistol and keeps jogging. The Governor has spent $0.50 on a 0.45 ACP hollow point cartridge.
– The buzzards eat the dead coyote.

And that is why California is broke and Texas is not.

The Way Women Think

Husband’s Text Message to wife

Honey, I got hit by a car outside the office.
Paula brought me to the Hospital.
Doctors presently doing tests and taking X-rays.
Severe blow to my head but not likely to have any lasting effects. Wound required 19 stitches.
I have three broken ribs, a broken arm and compound fracture in the left leg. Amputation of my right foot is a possibility.

Love you.

Wife’s Response:

Who’s Paula?

Strange Things

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Things That Make You Smile

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Rules Are Rules

A young boy comes down for breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his Mother asks if he has done his chores.

“Not yet,” said the little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he’s a little ticked off so when he feeds the chickens, he kicks a chicken. When he feeds the cows, he kicks a cow. When he feeds the pigs, he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

How come I don’t get any eggs and bacon, and why don’t I have any milk in my cereal?” he asks.

Well,” his mother says, “I saw you kick a chicken, so you don’t get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don’t get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren’t getting any milk.”

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, “You gonna tell him or should I?”

Texas Humor

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Jewish Mother’s Know Best

A Jewish daughter says to her mother, “I’m divorcing Nathan.” All he wants is sex, sex, and more sex. My vagina is now the size of a 50 – cent piece when it used to be the size of a nickel.”

Her mother says…

“You’re married to a multi – millionaire businessman! You live in an 8 bedroom mansion! You drive a $ 250,000 Ferrari! You get $2,000 a week allowance! You take 6 vacations a year and you want to throw all that away…over 45 cents!!!!?”

How To Catch A Bear

A man in Michigan ‘s Upper Peninsula wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough..there’s an ad for “Up North Bear Removers.”

He calls the number and the bear remover says he’ll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He’s got a ladder, a baseball bat, 12-gauge shotgun, and a mean heavily scarred old pit bull.

What are you going to do?” the homeowner asks.

“I’m going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I’m going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van.”

He then hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

“What’s the shotgun for?” asks the homeowner.

“If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog.”

Deliciously Evil Funnel Cake

During the summer there are many festivals, fairs, parties, and other fun events to attend. If you happen to run across the funnel cake, stay away! The funnel cake is evil. It is so yummy that you just can’t stay away. There is something about that fragrence in the air that just draws you in and once you try it, you’re addicted.

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America’s Smartest President

An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes. The first passenger, Holly Madison said, “I have my own reality show and I am the smartest and prettiest woman at Playboy, so American’s don’t want me to die.” She took the first pack and jumped out of the plane.

The second passenger, John McCain, said, “I’m a senator, and a decorated war hero from an elite Navy unit from the United States of America.” So he grabbed the second pack and jumped.
The third passenger, Barack Obama said, “I am the President of the United States and I’m the smartest ever in the history of the country, some even call me the “Anointed One.” So he grabbed the pack next to him and jumped out.

The fourth passenger, Billy Graham, said to the fifth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolgirl, “I have lived a full life and served my God to the best I could. I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute. “The little girl said, “That’s ok, Mr. Graham. There’s a parachute left for you. America’s smartest President took my schoolbag.”

Whatever You Give a Woman

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American Independence Day 2015

Happy Independence Day 2015. On July 2nd 1776 is when American declared independence from England. It wasn’t until August 2nd, 1776 when all members actually signed the declaration. Either way, this is the only American holiday during the summer and it means many things to many different people. It is a good time to enjoy the summer. It is a good chance to spend time with family. It is a time to show patriotism and honor all of those both past and present who are making so many sacrifices for the good ole United States of America.

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Must Love Seniors

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, “How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?”

“Well,” he said, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub.”

“Oh, I understand,” I said. “A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup..”

“No” he said. “A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?”

The Cab Ride

I arrived at the address and honked the horn. After waiting a few minutes, I walked to the  door and knocked.
‘Just a minute’, answered a frail, elderly voice. I could hear something being dragged across the floor.

After a long pause, the door opened. A small woman in her 90’s stood before me. She was wearing a print dress and a pillbox hat with a veil pinned on it,

like somebody out of a 1940’s movie.

By her side was a small nylon suitcase. The apartment looked as if no one had lived in it for years.  All the furniture was covered with sheets.

There were no clocks on the walls, no knickknacks or utensils on the counters. In the corner was a card board box filled with photos and glassware..

‘Would you carry my bag out to the car?’ she said. I took the suitcase to the cab, then returned to assist the woman.

She took my arm and we walked slowly toward the curb.

She kept thanking me for my kindness. ‘It’s nothing’, I told her. ‘I just try to treat my passengers the way I would want my mother to be treated.’

‘Oh, you’re such a good  boy, she said. When we got in the cab, she gave me an address and then asked, ‘Could you drive through downtown?’

‘It’s not the shortest way,’ I answered quickly..

‘Oh, I don’t mind,’ she said. ‘I’m in no hurry. I’m on my way to a  hospice.

I looked in the rear-view mirror. Her eyes were glistening. ‘I don’t have any family left,’ she continued in a soft voice.

‘The doctor says I don’t have very long.’ I quietly reached over and shut off the meter.

What route would you like me to take?’ I asked.

For the next two hours, we drove through the city. She showed me the building where she had once worked as an  elevator operator.

We drove through the neighborhood where she and her husband had lived when they were newlyweds

She had me pull up in front of a furniture warehouse that had once been a ballroom where she had gone dancing as a girl.

Sometimes she’d ask me to slow in front of a particular building or corner and would sit staring into the darkness, saying nothing.

As the first hint of sun was creasing the horizon, she suddenly said, ‘I’m tired. Let’s go now’.

We drove in silence to the address she had given me. It was a low building, like a small convalescent home with a driveway that passed under a  portico.

Two orderlies came out to the cab as soon as we pulled up. They were solicitous and intent, watching her every move. They must have been expecting her.
I opened the trunk and took the small suitcase to the door. The woman was already seated in a wheelchair.

‘How much do I owe you?’ She asked, reaching into her purse.

‘Nothing,’ I said

‘You have to make a living,’ she answered.

‘There are other passengers,’ I responded.

Almost without thinking, I bent and gave her a hug. She held onto me tightly.

‘You gave an old woman a little moment of joy,’ she  said ‘Thank you.’
I squeezed her hand, and then walked into the dim morning light. Behind me, a door shut. It was the sound of the closing of a life.

I didn’t pick up any more passengers that shift. I drove aimlessly lost in thought. For the rest of that day, I could hardly talk.  What if that woman had gotten an angry driver, or one who was impatient to end his shift? What  if I had refused to take the run, or had honked once, then driven away?

On a quick review, I don’t think that I have done anything more important in my life.  We’re conditioned to think that our lives revolve  around great moments.  But great moments often catch us unaware – beautifully wrapped in what others may consider a small one.

How in the World Did You Get There?

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2015 California Drought

You may have noticed in the news lately where the media has been discussing the California sever drought and water crisis. There are commercials that tell residents of California to conserve water and this affects everybody. I have heard that the majority of water consumption for the state of California is between the state government and commercial business and that only 5% is being consumed by consumers. I don’t know weather that is true or not, however I do know that California is an expensive state to live in. I haven’t been able to put a finger on exactly why it is so expensive. Now I know the answer why. This past weekend I drove up the I-5 to San Francisco and somewhere north of Los Angeles around Bakersfield all the way up to east of San Jose I found a huge issue why the state of California is so darn expensive to live in.

Here are some photos of what I saw along the way:
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As you can see there isn’t a lot growing and it is arid, dry, and desert like.

Before long I started seeing signs along the roadway. Here are some of the signs I’ve seen:

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I couldn’t believe what I saw. I saw signs stating that they need water to grow crops. One sign actually said, “millions paid and no water delivered.” I thought this was just the craziest thing I’ve seen. Why would anybody be trying to grow crops in this desert like area? I thought this would be a must better place to have solar or wind farms. It would be an excellent way to produce large amounts of electricity on land where much isn’t growing…well, I was surprised again. Before long I actually seen that fresh water was being pumped to this part of the state so that crops could grow. Here are the photos of the canal where water was being pumped.

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Sure enough a little further down the road I saw farms that were growing everything from corn, to oranges, lemons, apples, wheat, almonds, and lots of other crops. Here are those photos:
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Would you believe that they were actually raising cattle where the water was being pumped to? Here are those photos:
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The weird thing was that in places where water wasn’t being pumped to, it was clear that things don’t grow there and here are some of those photos:
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Now I don’t know whether it was a crack head, a hippie, or a politician who decided to have taxpayers pay millions and millions of dollars to pump precious California water to a desert area in order to grow crops, but I can assure you that the entire United States of America is not short on growing plenty of crops to feed the entire United States. It is very wasteful to pump water to this area of California in order to try to make things grow. I am actually really curious as to how much water is being lost by evaporation. I would guess that a high percentage of it is, since these water canals aren’t covered and water can freely evaporate. It would make a lot more sense for this area of California to put solar farms to provide energy that can be transmitted to other parts of the United States and have crops shipped to California. The electrical infrastructure is already here where these farms are. If you look in the background of some of the photos you will see power lines. It seems to me that the real water crisis is how the government of California is wasting the water. This is just one more reason why I can’t listen to the state of California’s government telling me to conserve water, while they are being so wasteful. I just can’t take the California drought seriously.

Memorial Day 2015

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On this Memorial Day 2015, remembering all who served and paid the ultimate price for the United States.

Lombard Street

Today I decided to drive down Lombard street in San Francisco, California. This road is known for being the windiest road. I thought it would be a nice novelty since I’m here in San Francisco anyway. In this first picture, I am sitting in traffic waiting to get to Lombard street and I snapped a picture of Alcatraz island in my rear view mirror.

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I don’t know how much you’ll actually be able to see of the street because I haven’t even driven down it before and the photos will be taken from inside the vehicle, but I will give it my best shot.

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I think the thing that was most surprising about Lombard street was that it was so short. The way they make it sound on t.v. is that it is this big windy street. The street only went 1 city block and it was more of a novelty than anything. Anyway, I can check that off my bucket list.

Alcatraz Island San Francisco, California

Since I was in San Francisco today I decided to take some photos from different vantage points of Alcatraz. One perspective was from Pier 39 with a flag flapping in the breeze. Another picture was from Pier 39 again, but over by the boat harbor where the sea lions were resting. The last shot was while I was waiting to go down Lombard street I took a photo of Alcatraz in the rear view mirror. I thought they were interesting perspectives.

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