Tag: dog
The Italian Funeral
A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a …
True Courage
Is it fighting a bull without a weapon? Is it flying a fighter in combat? Is it free fall parachuting? Is it bungee jumping? Is it white water rafting? Ah – But ​aare nothing! This, my friend, is true courage: (It’s also the last photo I have of my dog.)
Inner Peace
If you can start the day without caffeine, If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains, If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles, If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it, If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to …
What Starts With “F”
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her more precocious students. The teacher asked, ‘Harry, what exactly is your problem?’ Harry answered, ‘I’m too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I’m smarter than she is!  I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!’ Ms. Brooks finally had …
How To Catch A Bear
A man in Michigan ‘s Upper Peninsula wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough..there’s an ad for “Up North Bear Removers.” He calls the number and the bear remover says he’ll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives and …
Polish Sausage
Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream ‘prejudice’ these days…………….A customer asked, “In what aisle can I find the Polish sausage?” The clerk asks, “Are you Polish?” The guy, clearly offended, says, “Yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me …
Minnesotan Hunter
Lyle was hunting geese up in the Minnesota woods. He leaned the old 16 gauge against the corner of the blind to take a leak. As luck would have it, his foolish dog Ginger knocked the gun over, it went off and Ole took most of an ounce of #4 in the groin. Several hours …
Old Doberman
An old Doberman starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he’s lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch. The old Doberman thinks, “Oh, oh! I’m in it now!” Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on …
Children are Quick
TEACHER: Why are you late? STUDENT: Class started before I got here. ____________________________________ TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables. __________________________________________ TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell ‘crocodile?’ GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L’ TEACHER: No, that’s wrong GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but …
Japanese Red Lobster Vending Machine
I love Japanese vending machines. You can literally get an ice cold beer and a hot coffee from the same machine. You can get an ice cream and a hot dog from the same machines. Here was an interesting vending machine I found outside a Red Lobster.
Cautionary Tale
A woman brought a very limp duck to a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, “I’m sorry, Ma’am, but your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.” The …
Why Some Men Have a Dog And No Wife:
1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you. 2. Dogs don’t notice if you call them by another dog’s name. 3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor. 4. A dog’s parents never visit. 5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your …
Sniffer
A man had just Boarded and settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his Black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man. The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed …
Hell of a Day
There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig. “Well, whatcha’ gonna do about it?” he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears. “Come on, man,” the biker says, “I didn’t think you’d …
Late Night Call to the Vet
A dog lover, whose dog was a female and “in heat,” agreed to look after her neighbors male dog while the neighbors were on vacation. She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, …
The Taxi
– For young men, it’s a nice ass. The really observant will see the thong. – For older men, it is a respectable woman with a nice ass crossing the street. – The perverts will imagine her as a naked woman. – The wise men will ponder the presence of mind of the photographer in …
Californians
So as not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, and Texan jokes, somebody had to come up with this: You know you’re from California if… 1. Your coworker has 8-body piercings and none are visible. 2. You make over $300,000 a year and still can’t afford to buy a house 3. You take …
Brave Man Jokes
How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry It! What is the difference between a battery and a woman? A battery has a positive side. Why is the space between a woman’s breasts and her hips called a waist? Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.. How do you …
California vs Texas: What To Do About An Attack By A Wild Coyote
California: The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks the Governor’s dog, then bites the Governor. 1. The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie “Bambi” and then realizes he should stop because the coyote is only doing what is natural. 2. …
Garage Owner
He was sick and tired of thugs breaking into his garage shop to steal tools, etc. So he came up with this idea. He put the word out that he had a Lion that would attack anyone that would break in or climb his fence. Would-be thieves saw the “Lion” from a distance and fled …
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