A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween Party. He doesn’t know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg, So he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he received a parcel with the following note: Dear Sir, Please find enclosed …
Tag: head
For All The Man-haters: Why Buy the Pig
For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get the milk for free. Here’s an update for you: Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it’s not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage. Men are like…. 1. Men are like Laxatives. …
Humor – Five Surgeons
Five surgeons having drinks together at a surgical convention exchanged opinions regarding their favorite patient types. The first, a Florida surgeon, said, “I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.” The second, a Michigan surgeon, responded, “Yeah, but you should try electricians. Everything inside …
The Fastest Thing
Jennifer, a manager at Wal-Mart, had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of 20 resumes she found four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the …
Irish Golfer
A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer’s ball beside him. Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him. …
Garage Owner
He was sick and tired of thugs breaking into his garage shop to steal tools, etc. So he came up with this idea. He put the word out that he had a Lion that would attack anyone that would break in or climb his fence. Would-be thieves saw the “Lion” from a distance and fled …
Three Elderly Sisters
Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, ‘Was I getting in or out of the bath?’ The 94-year-old yells back, ‘I don’t know. I’ll come up and see.’ She starts …
A Blonde in the Baptist Church
An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumour that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to …
Banking on a Bet: The Curious Case of Round Testicles and Square Bets
An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money. After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an …
Children Writing About the Ocean
1) – This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6) 2) – Oysters’ balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6) 3) – If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don’t Have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (, age 7) 4) – Sharks …
Questions to Ponder
Can you cry under water? _____ How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? _____ Why do you have to “put your two cents in”…. but it’s only a “penny for your thoughts”? Where’s that extra penny going to? _____ Once you’re in heaven, do you …
A Jack Daniels Fishing Story
I went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bait. Knowing the snake couldn’t bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put …
Collaboration System
[Abstract] The purpose of this document is to provide an implementation and management plan, as part of a scenario, for implementing a collaboration system into Kucera Clothiers. Included within this document is a definition of the organizational goals or communication issues the collaboration system will resolve. Also included within this document is an explanation of …
Don’t Choke on Food in the South
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough, and after a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her …
When Daddy Calls
‘Hello?’ ‘Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?’ ‘No Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.’ After a brief pause, Daddy says, ‘But honey, you haven’t got an Uncle Paul.’ ‘Oh yes I do, and he’s upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now.’ Brief Pause. ‘Uh, okay then, this …
It’s Just a Catfish
This would be ‘all the catfish you can eat.’ Each year, a few people were drowning or disappearing mysteriously in Huadu, China’s Furong Reservoir. It was not until recently, when the son of a government official went swimming, in the reservoir and was drowned, that the secret was revealed. It is a 3 meter long …
Most Romantic First Line, But least Romantic Second Line
These are entries to a competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line but least romantic second line: Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss but I only slept with you, because I was pissed. I thought that I could love no other Until, that is, I met your brother. Roses …
Penis Research
The American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man’s penis was larger than the shaft. After 1 year and $180,000, they concluded that the reason that the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex. After the US published the study, the French …
Lil’ ole lady
A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by …
Cajun Math
A Cajun man wants a job, but the foreman won’t hire him until he passes a little math test. Here is your first question, the foreman said. “Without using numbers, represent the number 9.” “Without numbers?” The Cajun says, “Dat is easy.” And proceeds to draw three trees. “What’s this?” the boss asks “Ave you …
Customs
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?” “Of course child. What may I do for you?” “Well, I bought an expensive woman’s electronic hair dryer for my mother’s birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I’m afraid they’ll …
You Finish?
The Italian Lover, a virile middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled …
Cats and Dogs
How To Give A Cat A Pill 1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill …
Untrained Personnel Developing Information System
[Abstract] The purpose of this document is to provide a basic knowledge of what types of problems an untrained user may face with trying to develop an information system. Also included within this document is information about different case tools and how these case tools can aid in reducing cycle time and increase quality. [Content] …
After almost 60 years of marriage…
An elderly gent was invited to an old friends’ home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 60 years and, clearly, they were still very much …
All Catholic Girls Go To Heaven
A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl, “Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?” She giggles and shyly replies, “Well, I once touched the head of one …
Ed Zachary Disease
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese sex …
Is America at War?
As I came out of the supermarket that sunny day, pushing my cart of groceries towards my car, I saw an old man with the hood of his car up and a lady sitting inside the car, with the door open. The old man was looking at the engine. I put my groceries away in …