One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife “Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!!” His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn’t let such a comment go unrewarded. The next morning the …
Tag: husband
How to Tell the Sex of a Fly
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. “What are you doing?” she asked. “Hunting Flies” he responded. “Oh. Killing any?” she asked. “Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,” he replied. Intrigued, she asked; “How can you tell them apart?” He responded, “3 were on a beer can, …
Bullfrog
A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn’t want to spend a fortune. ‘Well,’ said the clerk, ‘I have a very large bullfrog. …
The Transformative Effects of Marriage on the Y-chromosome
The Transformative Effects of Marriage on the Y-chromosome. Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men….that night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over their eyes . After a few days they meet again…..The engaged girlfriend …
Women vs Men
Woman’s Perfect Breakfast She’s sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton. Woman’s Revenge “Cash, check or …
Groaner
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. And was somewhat upset. “You are a disrespectful pig!” she cried. “How dare you do this to me — a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce straight …
New Sex Study
It has been determined, the most used sexual position for married couples is the doggie position. The husband sits up and begs. The wife rolls over and plays dead.
West Virginia Mountain Woman
A West Virginia mountain woman went to the doctor and was told to go home and come back in a couple of days with a specimen. When she got home, she asked her husband, “What is a specimen?” He replied, “Danged if I know. Go next door and ask Edith. She’s a nurse.” The woman …
Fireman Sex
A fireman came home from work one day and told his wife, ‘You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: Bell 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, Bell 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, Bell 3 rings and we’re on the fire truck ready to go.’From …
Divorce vs. Murder
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist,¬¨‚Ćlooked straight into his eyes,and said, ‘I would like to buy some cyanide.’ ¬¨‚ĆThe pharmacist asked, ‘Why in the world do you need cyanide?’ ¬¨‚ĆThe lady replied, ‘I need it to poison my husband.’ ¬¨‚ĆThe pharmacist’s eyes got big and he …
Married Couple
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man’s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor …
Family Vacation
Family on holiday in Australia for a week and a half when husband, wife and their 15 year old son decided to go scuba diving. The husband is in the navy and has had some scuba experience. His son wanted a pic of his mum and dad in all their gear so got the underwater …
The Last Word
One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight starving, dirty, smelled terrible, hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn’t know what to call her so we named her “Pussycat.” …
A mystery unfolded……
For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with marriage or religion, but the Indian Embassy in Washington, DC has recently revealed the true story. When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the …
Twenty Dollars
On their wedding night, the young bride Approached her new Husband and asked for $20.00 for their first Lovemaking encounter. In His highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made Love, for more Than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a Cute way for her to …
Chinese Newlyweds
A young Chinese couple gets married. She’s a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn’t know that. On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness. He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. “My darring,” he whispers, …
The Miracle of Toilet Paper
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.Instead of characteristically telling me it’s not so, He uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. “If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between …
The Blonde & The Heart Attack
A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. She rushes upstairs to find her husband naked on the bed, sweating and panting. “What’s up?” she asks. “I’m having a heart attack,” cries the husband. The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she’s dialing, her …
Warning: Idiots in the Area
We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.The reason: “Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don’t think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.”From Kingman, KS. I was at the …
$20.00
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to …
Mood Swings
Dear Abby,My husband is not happy with my mood swings. So for Christmas he bought me a mood ring so he would be able to monitor my moods. When I’m in a good mood it turns green. When I’m in a bad mood it leaves a big fucking red mark on his forehead. Maybe next …
How to Shower
How to shower like a woman: Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mi rror — make mental note to do …
Great One-Liners
1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he wasGod and I didn’t! 2. I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.3. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!4. Some people are alive only because it”s illegal to kill them.5. I used to have a handle …
In The Closet
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman”s husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.’, …
Strange Buzzing Noise
As a woman passes her daughter”s closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter giving herself a real workout with vibrator. Shocked, she asked, “What in the world are you doing?” The daughter replied, “Mom, I”m thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is …
Poker Player
Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he couldn”t help but notice that Bill”s wife Sue”s, legs were spread wide and she wasn”t wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, John, upon trying to sit back up …
Want to Curl Up and Die?
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, “How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?” I turned around and walked back out and never. My husband didn’t say a word, he knew better. Melinda Lowe, 39, Seguin, TX Pad, please! An …
Don’t Close the Blinds
The other day, my nine year old son wanted to know why we were at war. My husband looked at our son and then looked at me. My husband and I were in the Army during the Gulf War and we would be honored to serve and defend our Country again today. I knew that …
Quickies!
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values. Stu said, “I didn”t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?” Leroy replied, “I”m not sure, What was her maiden name?———————————————————————-A little boy went up to his father and asked: “Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?” The …
Government
A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle; I’m still a virgin.” “What?” said the puzzled groom. “How can that be if you”ve been married ten times?” “Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me …
The Thimble
One day, a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river and her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, “Why are you crying?” The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed the thimble to help her husband in making …