– I had just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage roll. A poor homeless man sat there and said ‘I’ve not eaten for two days’ I told him ‘I wish I had your f**king will power’. – I got fired on my …
Tag: love
5 Minute Management Course
Lesson 1 A priest offered a Nun a lift…She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg…….The nun said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’ The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he …
Coco Ichiban-ya Curry House
I went over to Coco Ichiban-ya curry house today. I absolutely love their curry. Here are a couple of different ways you can eat it. One is beef curry and the other is called “hire katsu curry.” Hire katsu curry simply means that it is hand made. The prices here are cheap and the food …
Just Stay
A nurse took the tired, anxious serviceman to the bedside. “Your son is here,” she said to the old man. She had to repeat the words several times before the patient’s eyes opened. Heavily sedated because of the pain of his heart attack, he dimly saw the young uniformed Marine standing outside the oxygen tent. …
What is the main ingredient of WD-40?
Before you read to the end, does anybody know what the main ingredient of WD-40 is? Don’t lie and don’t cheat. WD-40. Who knew; I had a neighbor who bought a new pickup. I got up very early one Sunday morning and saw that someone had spray painted red all around the sides of this …
A Trip to Europe
A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her. “You have so much to live for, “said the man. “I’m a sailor, and we’re off to Europe …
My Favorite Animal
Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, “Fried chicken.” She said I wasn’t funny, but she couldn’t have been right, because everyone else in the class laughed. My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad …
Nancy’s Driver
The limo was speeding down the highway. It was just past dusk. Suddenly, a cow rambled onto the road. The car hit it broadside and came to a stop.‚Ä®‚Ä® Nancy, in her usual charming manner, said to the chauffeur, “You get out and check. You were driving.”‚Ä®‚Ä® So the chauffeur got out, checked, and reported …
Cow vs Sheep
A man walks into the bedroom carrying a sheep in his arms and says, “Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache.” The wife, laying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, “If you weren’t such an idiot, you’d know that’s a sheep, not a cow.” …
Affairs
First Affair A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. …
Talk About Luck
Can you believe it? This guy wins 181 million in the lottery on a Wednesday, and then finds the love of his life just 2 days later. Talk about luck!
Love Making
The Italian says, “When I’ve a finished a makina da love withna my wife, I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floats 6 inches above a da bed in ecstasy.” The Frenchman replies, zat is noting, “When Ah’ve finished making ze love with ze wife, Ah kiss all ze way¬† …
Single vs. Engaged vs. Married
Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, “Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend’s office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He …
Most Romantic First Line, But least Romantic Second Line
These are entries to a competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line but least romantic second line: Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss but I only slept with you, because I was pissed. I thought that I could love no other Until, that is, I met your brother. Roses …
Getting Older
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple”s house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, “Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.” The other man said, “What …
Customs
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?” “Of course child. What may I do for you?” “Well, I bought an expensive woman’s electronic hair dryer for my mother’s birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I’m afraid they’ll …
Buttercups and Golfballs
Towards the end of the golf course, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch. All of a sudden . . .POOF!! In a flash and puff …
Hallmark Writers
Ever wondered what happens when Hallmark writers are having a bad day…….. My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat When I looked at the tire… I noticed your cat. Sorry! Heard your wife left you, How upset you must be. But don’t fret about it.. . She moved in with me. Looking back …
After almost 60 years of marriage…
An elderly gent was invited to an old friends’ home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 60 years and, clearly, they were still very much …
Groaner
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. And was somewhat upset. “You are a disrespectful pig!” she cried. “How dare you do this to me — a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce straight …
Just Like In The Movies?
An ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face. ‘What are you so happy about?’ asks the barman. ‘Well, I’ll tell you,’ replies the ugly man. ‘You know I live by the railroad tracks. Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the …
The “Middle Wife” by an Anonymous 2nd Grade Teacher
I’ve been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back. When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps …
Fireman Sex
A fireman came home from work one day and told his wife, ‘You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: Bell 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, Bell 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, Bell 3 rings and we’re on the fire truck ready to go.’From …
Money
A man came home from work late, tired and irritated, to find his 5-year old son waiting for him at the door. SON : “Daddy, may I ask you a question?” DAD: “Yeah sure, what is it?” SON : “Daddy, how much do you make an hour?” DAD: “That’s none of your business. Why do …
The Last Word
One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight starving, dirty, smelled terrible, hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn’t know what to call her so we named her “Pussycat.” …
Twenty Dollars
On their wedding night, the young bride Approached her new Husband and asked for $20.00 for their first Lovemaking encounter. In His highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made Love, for more Than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a Cute way for her to …
A Can of Worms
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup. The …
$20.00
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to …
Great One-Liners
1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he wasGod and I didn’t! 2. I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.3. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!4. Some people are alive only because it”s illegal to kill them.5. I used to have a handle …
Strange Buzzing Noise
As a woman passes her daughter”s closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter giving herself a real workout with vibrator. Shocked, she asked, “What in the world are you doing?” The daughter replied, “Mom, I”m thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is …