1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down. 2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don’t disguise your voice. 3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that. 4. Put your garbage …
Tag: work
Great One-Liners
1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he wasGod and I didn’t! 2. I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.3. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!4. Some people are alive only because it”s illegal to kill them.5. I used to have a handle …
Anal Glaucoma
A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well. “What’s the matter?” he asks “I have a case of anal glaucoma,” she says in a weak voice. “What the hell is anal glaucoma?” “I can’t see my ass coming into work today.”
In The Closet
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman”s husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.’, …
Advantages and Disadvantages of Network Topologies
Different network topologies have different advantages and disadvantages. A bus network topology is nice because it is simple and cheap, however it has its limitations. On a bus topology you are limited to the number of hosts you can place on a single bus. A ring topology can be beneficial because it provides redundancy, however …
Good Enough?
At the movie theater a man noticed a young woman sitting all by herself. He was excited to see she had both hands under her skirt and was frigging herself furiously. He moved to the next seat to her and offered his help. She agreed, and the man started fingering her like crazy. When he …
4th Graders
One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up — fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth. Little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, “My father’s an exotic dancer in a …
Filing Taxes
A woman walks into her accountant’s office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says: “Before we begin, I’ll need to ask you a few questions.” He gets her name, address, social security number, etc, and then asks, “What is your occupation?” “I’m a whore,” she says. The accountant balks …
Rectum Stretcher
While she was “flying” down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, “What’s your hurry?”To which …
If You’re Going to Live in the South, Know These Rules
1. That farm boy you see at the gas station did more work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym. 2. It”s called a “gravel road. ” No matter how slow you drive, you”re going to get dust on your Navigator. Drive it or get out of the way. 3. The red …
Chinese Sick Leave
Hung Chow called into work and says, “Hey, boss I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.” The boss says, “You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me …
Few Short Stories of Stupid Events
Recently, when I went to McDonald”s I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets I asked for a half dozen nuggets. “We don”t have half dozen nuggets,” said the teenager at the counter. “You don”t?” I replied. “We only have six, nine, or twelve,” was …
Make Time for Loved Ones
After 21 years of marriage, My wife wanted me to take another woman out to dinner and a movie. She said, “I love you but I know this other woman loves you and would love to spend some time with you.” The other woman that my wife wanted me to visit was my MOTHER, who …
Confession
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand in the weak light, tears running down her face. Her praying woke him from his slumber. He looked up, pale lips moving slightly. “Becky my darling,” he whispered. “Hush my love,” she said. “Rest, don”t talk.” He …
Bad Day at Work
Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 on FM dial in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she …
Stupid Statistics
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.) If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that”s more like it!) …
Poker Player
Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he couldn”t help but notice that Bill”s wife Sue”s, legs were spread wide and she wasn”t wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, John, upon trying to sit back up …
Want to work here?
Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics: 29 have been accused of spousal abuse 7 have been arrested for fraud 19 have been accused of writing bad checks 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses 3 have done time …
Apple releases the G5 iMac
Apple has really done it this time by releasing the new iMac with the G5 processor. This computer packs a lot of punch all into one little sleek design. I really like this design because it saves a whole lot of space, but the shear power of this computer is mind blowing. From what I’ve …
Republican / Democrat, What is the Difference?
With the voting season coming I would like to share a few thoughts with you. First off I would like to say that I don’t pressure anybody into voting. The reason behind this is because it is a right and who am I to tell you what rights you should concern as your highest priority. …
4th of July, 2004
This 4th of July I was planning on taking it easy. I was planning on washing the car, giving the dog a bath, and just relaxing. Well it seems things did not work out like that, but in a good way. This year, at about noon a phone call was received asking to come out …
Shaping the Future for the Next Generation of Terrorists?
By what is happening in Iraq, Afghanistan, Isreal, and other countries, is this shaping the future for the next generation of terrorists? Look at this simple scenario. Lets say a kid has his father killed while fighting for what he believes is right. Now this kid grows up with a lot of rage and fury …
Atkins Diet is No Answer for Lack of Self Discipline
Everybody from McDonalds to Subway seems to be jumping on the bandwagon for this Atkins diet. Atkins may be a good diet, but for most fatasses out there it will not be the answer to getting slim as opposed to getting off your fat ass and doing a little exercise. A sucessful mathmatical equation to …
My First Xbox Does Not Want to Play Nice
My coworkers have been talking about how great Xbox is and how much fun it is to play online and since I’m still playing Mario cart on Nintendo 64, I decided it was time for an upgrade. I went out and bought an Xbox today. It was fantastic I got 3 games that came with …
A Difference Between Working Overseas and Working in America
After living overseas for some years it is a shock to see how different people act in America. For example: Americans working overseas, at the end of the day overseas people would usually hang out with the people they worked with. It made an easy atmosphere for resolving work issues. Here in America once the …
Issues With Dell
On March 5th, 2004 I decided I had been waiting around long enough to get a new computer. The predicament I kept running into though was that every time I tried customizing a computer on Dell’s website the price would jump up drastically. So I decided to call their phone support to help me with …
Cell Phone Plus Washing Machine Equals No Worky, Worky
A few weeks ago I had gotten home from work and realized I needed to wash laundry. Since I was washing laundry anyway I decided to wash the shorts I was wearing. So I loaded the washing machine and started the load of laundry. While I was waiting for the laundry to get done I …
Put Your Foot in Your Mouth
On Friday I went out with some coworkers at first we talked some work and then later after we had been drinking for a while we started shooting the shit for a while. Everything was great except for the stupid things that kept coming out of my mouth. It seemed that every point I was …
Jason Newsted (Former Metallica Bassist) the Unknown Story
In 1998 I was in Okinawa, Japan when I received my Metallica fan club magazine which informed me of the bands upcoming tour. It was actually happening, Metallica was coming to Japan. I knew immediately I had to get tickets. So I checked with the Metallica club to see if I could get tickets through …